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‘Everybody Hates Promises’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Promises

207. Everybody Hates Promises

Aired November 13, 2006

Chris has trouble keeping the promises he made on the campaign trail now that he's class president. Meanwhile, Julius is annoyed when Rochelle's layabout brother, Michael, crashes at their place.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] When I was elected president at Corleone, my school was way ahead of its time. The rest of the country didn't get a Black president until Clinton. Like all presidents, I had made campaign promises that were gonna be hard to keep.
[montage:]
Chris: I promise you, no more rope climbing in gym unless your favorite sport is climbing rope.
Chris: I promise, no more homework on Saturday, unless you gotta be in school on Sunday.
Chris: I promise all our book reports will be on books that were made into movies.
Chris: I promise you rubber floors, so that when the bully knocks you down, you'll bounce right back up.
Chris: We've got spring break, we've got summer break, what about a fall break and a winter break? I don't want to come to school when it's hot, so why would I have to come to school when it's cold?

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Quote from Michael

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was looking for help, my Uncle Michael was looking for a free meal.
Michael: Big Man!
Drew: Hey, Uncle Mike.
Michael: Hey, I didn't know y'all was having dinner.
Julius: Why would you? It's only dinnertime.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My Uncle Michael didn't have a job, so he was always free to stop by and free to eat some free food.
[montage:]
Michael: I didn't know y'all was having breakfast.
Michael: I didn't know y'all was having lunch.
Michael: I didn't know y'all was having pancakes.
Julius: We in a pancake house.

Quote from Michael

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father and Michael didn't get along because whatever my father said, my uncle said the opposite.
[flashback to Julius & Michael at a car lot:]
Julius: I like the Ford.
Uncle Mike: I like the Chevy.
[flashback to Julius & Michael in the subway looking at posters for museum exhibits:]
Julius: I want to go see Picasso.
Uncle Mike: I want to go see Matisse.
[flashback to Julius and Michael drinking beer on the stoop:]
Julius: Tastes great.
Uncle Mike: Less filling.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] To win my office, I told them everything they wanted to hear. There was only one problem. Hey, listen.
[montage:]
Boy #1: You promised you take us to a Knicks Game.
Boy #2: You promised I get new locker.
Custodian: You promised I'd get a raise.
Lunch Lady: You promised I'll get a shave.
Boy #3: You promised we'll get some real meat.
Boy #4: [speaks Spanish]
Girl: What are you gonna do about it?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I had no idea what I was going to do. So I did what all great leaders do.
Chris: I'll get right on it. I promise.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at school, I stopped making promises, and started making demands.
Chris: I'd like all book reports to be on books that were made into movies.
Ms. Morello: Are you high? I'm asking, not judging.
Chris: No. I'm just trying to fulfill my campaign promises.
Mrs. Milone: Just for curiosity's sake, what else did you promise?
Chris: A TV in the library, more field trips, instituting recess, and no more detention.
Ms. Morello: Chris, how are you going to know how to act when you get stopped by the police if we don't give you detention?

Quote from Ms. Morello

Chris: Well, you're saying that, even though I'm Class President, I can't change anything around here?
Mrs. Milone: Exactly.
Chris: Well, if I don't have any power, how can you let them impeach me? I mean, come on, I can't do anything. Can I at least get French fries at lunch?
Ms. Morello: I always thought you'd be more the sweet potato type.
Mrs. Milone: The point is, Chris, the students run the student government, and they can do what they want.
Chris: And I can't do anything.
Mrs. Milone: That's not true. Maybe you can talk them into letting you stay in office.
Ms. Morello: That's a good idea. Give another one of those speeches. But if I can make a suggestion, maybe this time you should try rhyming.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Maybe you should try Prozac.

Quote from Chris

Joey Caruso: All right, Kingfish, you got the floor.
Chris: Okay, over the past few days, rumors have been circulated about me. The press have put out stories saying that I'm guilty of a lot of things.
Joey Caruso: Are you done?
Chris: No. I didn't do any of those things. I'm not a crook. Nevertheless...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] After talking to Greg, I imagined what my father would say to me.
[fantasy:]
Julius: So you're just gonna quit, huh? All these people who made it possible for you to become the first Black class president, and now you're just gonna quit?
Tuskegee Airman: Yeah, and what if we quit? Black people would never have become pilots.
Aunt Jemima: If I had quit, pancakes would taste like crap!
Cream of Wheat Man: If I had quit, Cream of Wheat would have been called Cream of White!
Uncle Ben: If I had quit, it would take hours to cook rice.
Julius: Chris, I know you don't think being eight-grade class president is a big deal, but one day, it will be.

Quote from Greg

Chris: I didn't mean any of that stuff. Caruso stole my speech. He's no better than me.
Greg: Yeah, but he didn't win. Now you're stuck with all those campaign promises.
Chris: All presidents lie to get elected. What do they do?
Greg: Distraction. They just force the press to cover other, more benign issues, until the public loses interest in the story.
Chris: Maybe we should ignore the problem till it goes away.
Greg: I was thinking more like setting the cafeteria on fire, but we'll try it your way first.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father was tired from work and tired of Uncle Michael.
Julius: Where's Uncle Michael?
Chris: Oh, he's upstairs asleep in my room.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sounds like a night at the Neverland Ranch.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Did you know I didn't have any power?
Greg: What are you talking about you got no power? You're the president.
Chris: I'm a figurehead, like Mayor McCheese, like Colonel Sanders, like Dr. Detroit.

Quote from Julius

Julius: I don't want to know, I don't want to understand, I don't even want to hear it. I just want him gone.
Rochelle: Well, he has no place to go.
Julius: I don't care.
Rochelle: Him and my mother had a fight.
Julius: He about to have a fight with me. What's he doing with my shirt on?
Rochelle: Well, he spilled chocolate sauce on his.
Julius: My chocolate sauce?
Rochelle: Well...
Julius: Now he's spilling my food, he's wearing my shirt, sitting on my couch, eating my popcorn, watching my television, burning my electricity.

Quote from Michael

Michael: Big Man! I see why these cheese grits are your favorite. Mmm-mmm.
[cut to Uncle Mike locked out of the house in his underwear:]
Michael: Julius, come on, man! I said I'm sorry, man! Julius!
Julius: What?
Michael: Can I at least get my clothes, man?
Julius: You want your clothes? I got your clothes. I got your clothes. [throws the clothes out the window] That's for eating my cheese grits.
Michael: Julius, this is wrong, man.
Michael: I'm gonna tell 'Chelle about this! What you looking at?! You ain't never been throwed out before? This is wrong, man! Over some grits?!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father eventually came downstairs to return his sock, but he shoved it somewhere that Uncle Michael couldn't reach it. I need a ride, man!

Quote from Michael

Michael: So, Chris, what's up with you?
Chris: Well, I was voted eighth grade class president.
Michael: Uh-oh. Just like Jesse Jackson.
Julius: Ronald Reagan is the president. Jesse Jackson's just a resident.
Michael: You might like Reagan, but he don't like you. I like my nephew. Black president. Way to go, yo.

Quote from Michael

Rochelle: How's Momma?
Michael: She threw me out.
Rochelle: Threw you out?! Well, what happened?
Michael: You know how Momma always give you half of something. Well, there was a piece of cake in the refrigerator. So I ate the whole thing. Next thing I know, she just started tripping. Talk about, "You eat up everything. You need to get a job and buy your own cake." You believe that?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yes!
Michael: Momma been tripping since Daddy died.
Rochelle: Well, where are you staying?
Michael: I was wondering if I could stay here with you a couple days.
Rochelle: Oh, I don't know, Michael. I gotta ask Julius that.
Michael: Thank you, sis. You know I love you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Translation: "Where am I sleeping?"

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My new promise to keep my old promises was seen as very unpromising.
Chris: Hey, Greg!
Greg: "Hey, Greg"? Did you see the school paper?
Chris: We have a school paper?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Bush wasn't the first president who didn't read the paper.
Chris: What did I lie about?
Greg: Apparently you lied about everything.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The last true thing I said was, "My name is Chris and I'm running for president."

Quote from Adult Chris

Mrs. Milone: Let me explain something to you, Chris. The Office of Class President is titular.
Chris: What-u-lar?
Ms. Morello: Titular, Chris. It means you don't have any power, just a title.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The first thing I should have done as President was change the meaning of "titular."

Quote from Adult Chris

Greg: Well, we had a good run and we made history.
Chris: Yeah, I know. I was the first class president ever to be impeached.
Greg: I wonder who's going to replace you.
Chris: Probably Dipaolo.
Greg: Great, we're gonna have an idiot for president.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Who knew Greg could see into the future?

Quote from Michael

Julius: So, uh, you been out all day looking for work?
Michael: No, I've been here all day.
Julius: Why is that?
Michael: It's cold out there, but it's warm in here.
Rochelle: Michael, why don't you run out to the store and, uh, get us some Nestea?
Michael: But The A Team about to come on. That's my program. I love me some Mr. T. "I pity the fool." That's my boy.
Rochelle: Michael! Go get the Nestea.

Quote from Julius

Chris: I made some campaign promises that I can't deliver. So now they want to impeach me.
Julius: That's what you get.
Chris: What?
Julius: How'd you like it if I said I was gonna do something for you and didn't do it?
Chris: Oh. Okay, so then what should I do?
Julius: I don't know. I didn't promise to tell you what to do, but you got yourself in this mess. Whatever happens, happens, but it's your responsibility.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father didn't believe in making promises, which was tough for him because they were free.

Quote from Drew

Tonya: Drew, I'm ready for you to teach me how to double Dutch.
Drew: Double Dutch is hard. I mean, you can't just jump right into it.
Tonya: How come?
Drew: 'Cause double Dutch is a serious sport. What do you think this is, single Dutch?
Tonya: No.
Drew: Okay, then. You can start by stretching. Can you touch your toes?
Tonya: [starts stretching] How many times?
Drew: I'll let you know. Just keep stretching. And after this, we'll do knee bends. [starts to read a comic book]

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