Cliff: Oh, boy. Hey, you're gonna love it down at the lodge, you know. After a hard day's work, it's a great place to unwind.
Woody: Yeah, wearing those turbans, you probably need a place to unwind. You know, unwind. [laughs] Turbans? How they're all wound up around your head and you gotta unwind 'em?
Cliff: Hey, uh good one, Woody.
Woody: I was voted class clown.
Norm: You should be proud.
Woody: Yeah, I was only running for class president.

Frasier: Hey, Wood, what you working on?
Woody: Cheers newsletter.
Frasier: Wood, Cheers doesn't have a newsletter.
Woody: Wow, there's a scoop. I'll make that my lead story.

Cliff: So, uh, what do you got in there, Woodski?
Woody: Oh, boy. My Aunt Edna's killer fudge brownies.
Cliff: Ooh, killers, huh?
Woody: Yeah, they're called that because the first time my Uncle Ford ever smelled them baking, he came running in from the field and got hit by a combine. He hung on for a few days. At the end, he was just praying to die. Well, eat up, everybody.

Woody: What's this, Miss Howe?
Rebecca: Oh, they just want to know who to notify in case of death or accident.
Woody: What do they think is going to happen to me over there?
Rebecca: They don't think anything is going to happen, Woody. Just calm down.
Woody: What's this about not smuggling foreign meats into the country? What's wrong with foreign meat? And if there is something wrong with it, what's going to happen to me after I've been eating it for a week? And look, it says here if I mutilate this passport, it renders it invalid. Suppose I'm just about to go through U.S. Customs and some crazy person breaks into my luggage, mutilates my passport and fills my suitcase full of meat?
Rebecca: That's the chance all travelers take.

Father Barry: So we, the friends of Edward LeBec, silently, each in his own way, bid him good-bye, secure in the belief... That he will live in eternal peace.
Woody: I think this is a nice service.
Sam: You've been to a lot of them, Wood?
Woody: What do you mean, Sam?
Sam: Just from the size of your family and all the unfortunate things that seem to happen.
Woody: No, no, no, Sam, you've got that wrong. Very few of those people were killed, just maimed. I had an uncle who lived to be 103. He had both ears till he was 101.

Woody: This is a piece of my very first baby blanket.
Norm: Now, uh, what do those little dots signify?
Woody: Well, that represents my very first childhood disease, smallpox. I almost died. [rubs it against his face]
Cliff: Well, what's that, uh, long green thing there?
Woody: Oh, uh, this is the beanstalk from my first high school play. I fell off of it in the first act, cracked 2 ribs and punctured a lung. I almost died. Oh, this red patch here represents the big fire that burned down my house when I was 6.
Norm: And what, you almost died?
Woody: No, I got out. But while I was running away, I fell in this well, right here and I almost... Well, you know.

Cliff: Hey, guys. Guess what. Jeopardy! is coming to town for a one-time only east coast appearance. And I'm going to take the test to be on the show.
Woody: Beer, Mr. Clavin?
Cliff: What is a brewed alcoholic beverage consisting of barley and yeast?
Woody: Well, I don't know. Usually, you just have a beer.

Woody: Well, I'm sure going.
Norm: Yeah?
Woody: I want to be there and see when they say "This is Jeopardy!" And that big ball comes out and breaks into a million pieces and swirls away. You know, it's just like the sunrise in my hometown.
Frasier: Woody, uh, is there a big chemical plant near Hanover?
Woody: Sure, it's right over the landfill right next to the reservoir. How did you know?
Frasier: Lucky guess.

Woody: Hey, check this out. High-security building, large units, back bay area. They only want 250 a month.
Norm: No way.
Frasier: Just out of curiosity, Woody, what's this place called?
Woody: Acme Self-Storage. It sounds pretty swanky, huh?
Frasier: Woody, I have a feeling you really wouldn't like to live there.
Woody: Why not, Dr. Crane? Is it because you live in the back bay? Is it because you'd be embarrassed to have me as your neighbor? Well, this is a free country. I can live anywhere I want.
Frasier: OK, but no loud parties.

Norm: Hey, Wood, you see the paper?
Woody: Nah. I don't read the paper anymore. It's too depressing.
Frasier: Many people feel that way, Woody.
Woody: Yeah, I mean, Lucy's always pulling the football away from Charlie Brown. The Lockhorns are always fighting. Henry still doesn't have a mouth.