Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Cranemakers’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: The Cranemakers

716. The Cranemakers

Aired March 2, 1989

Rebecca forces Woody to use his vacation days. Meanwhile, Lilith is overcome with feelings of motherhood.

Quote from Lilith

Sam: How's she handling her pregnancy?
Frasier: Oh, same as any other woman. Perfectly normal, nothing unusual. Well, true, she does experience the occasional temporary hormonal imbalance, but you know Lilith, she's so repressed emotionally that only her husband would notice.
Lilith: [enters] Lay your hands upon me, everyone. I am life.
Frasier: Oh, boy.
Lilith: I am mother. My man's seed is nourished within me. Touch my breasts, my friend. I am lactating.
Sam: Boy, I tell ya, this is kind of a first for me, um... but I'm gonna pass.

Rate

Quote from Woody

Rebecca: So, Woody, where were you all week?
Woody: The airport. Oh, it was great. I met people from all over the world.
Rebecca: You spent your entire vacation at the airport? [Sam chuckles]
Woody: Well, yeah. You know, I mean, at first I felt terrible about missing my flight, but then I started talking to this really nice guy, and it turned out he's from India. [chuckles] Can you imagine that? I'm from Indiana and he's from India. We laughed about that for hours. At least I think that's what he was laughing at.
Rebecca: Well, l- l'm glad you had a good time, Woody. I- I didn't expect you back today. I thought you'd need a rest, so I didn't schedule you until tomorrow.
Woody: Great! I'm out of here!
Rebecca: Where you going?
Woody: I hear great things about the bus depot.

Quote from Lilith

Lilith: Forgive me for bursting in on you, but the little bud couldn't bear to be parted from his/her daddy another instant. Whisper to him/her through my navel.
Frasier: Um... later, after I finish this drink perhaps a few more.
Lilith: Oh, Carla, sister woman. Why didn't you ever share with me the religious wonder of this experience when you were great with child?
Carla: I was too busy puking.
Lilith: A small price to pay for becoming a fountain of life. A moist, nourishing acre of loam from which shall spring the future of the human race.
Carla: Speaking of puking, would you excuse me for a moment?
Lilith: I am a cradle of life. My womb is the Tigris and the Euphrates. I am a slender tendril reaching back to the primordial ooze.
Frasier: I'm planning on having her committed.
Norm: Must have been a very difficult decision for you.
Frasier: Oddly enough, no.

Quote from Woody

Woody: What's this, Miss Howe?
Rebecca: Oh, they just want to know who to notify in case of death or accident.
Woody: What do they think is going to happen to me over there?
Rebecca: They don't think anything is going to happen, Woody. Just calm down.
Woody: What's this about not smuggling foreign meats into the country? What's wrong with foreign meat? And if there is something wrong with it, what's going to happen to me after I've been eating it for a week? And look, it says here if I mutilate this passport, it renders it invalid. Suppose I'm just about to go through U.S. Customs and some crazy person breaks into my luggage, mutilates my passport and fills my suitcase full of meat?
Rebecca: That's the chance all travelers take.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Why there's my Kanga and her little Roo. Do you feel the butterfly of life fluttering within you?
Lilith: It's either that or gas. Could I speak with you for a moment in relative privacy?
Frasier: Of course.
Lilith: Now I know you don't want me carrying on about the pregnancy, and believe me, I don't intend to. But I thought as a doctor, you might like to hear one thing. [Lilith pulls out a stethoscope]
Frasier: What is that? It sounds li- It is! Is it? A little heartbeat? My child's heartbeat. Life! I am a giver of life! I have planted my seed.
Lilith: I am your fertile ground.
Frasier: Lo! See what we have wrought!
Lilith: Let's go sleep on the roof nude, my dear, and let the rain nourish our child.
Frasier: Yes, why not? Nude, and unashamed. Why should we be ashamed? Our child will never be ashamed.
Carla: Want to bet?

Quote from Sam

Sam: Don't you think you guys are getting a little carried away? I mean, all of us want to chuck it all sometimes, but you can live to regret that kind of thing. I mean, believe me, I know what I'm talking about.
Norm: Sammy?
Sam: What?
Norm: Excuse me. You're not going to tell that long, boring story about how you sold the bar and bought a boat to sail around the world, and then the boat sank, are you?
Sam: No, Norm. I'm not. I'm perfectly aware how that turning point in my life means nothing to you. So I'm going to tell a story about a friend of mine who bought a truck to drive around the world.

Quote from Carla

Whitley Morris: Excuse me. Does a Carla Tortelli LeBec ne Lozupone work here?
Carla: You're talking to her. What's it to you?
Whitley Morris: My name is Whitley Morris. I represent the estate of your late grandfather, Antonio Lozupone. No doubt you know that Antonio deserted your grandmother in 1921. What you may not know is that he hopped a freight to Los Angeles that year, taking with him only his lucky quarter. He worked packing fruit until he raised enough capital to open his own business selling candied peaches. With the profits from this he invested in oil, and through judicious management of his funds, amassed a fortune well in excess of $20 million.
Man: Miss? Can I order a beer?
Carla: What do I look like, a waitress? [to Whitley Morris] Go on, go on.
Whitley Morris: On his death bed, Antonio felt remorse for the family he left behind in Boston, and he made out a will leaving his entire fortune to the surviving Lozupones, of which you are one.
Carla: Yeah, yeah?
Whitley Morris: Unfortunately, this was not discovered until the death last month of Antonio's unscrupulous illegitimate son Paolo, who suppressed the will and in ten short years, squandered the entire fortune on fast horses and loose women.
Carla: What does that leave me?
Whitley Morris: Grandfather Lozupone's lucky quarter. Congratulations.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: Woody, the comptroller found out that you have been working at Cheers for four years and you have never taken one vacation.
Woody: That's true. I have a perfect attendance record.
Rebecca: Well, you have to take one now. It's company policy.
Woody: Well, I don't like vacations. I like working here. I like the people. Why should I leave? What's the point?
Rebecca: [shouts] The point is a happy workplace! The point is dealing with stress. Look at you, Woody. Can't you see that you're on the verge of an emotional burnout?
Woody: Gee, I am beginning to feel a little on edge.
Rebecca: I'm sorry, Woody.

Quote from Cliff

Rebecca: I'm going to call the corporate travel agent and have her create a wonderful trip for you, Woody. You're gonna love it.
Woody: If you say so, Miss Howe.
Cliff: Eh, look, Woody. Travel is great. You know, when I left the country to go see the Expo, it gave me a whole new slant on life.
Woody: Really?
Cliff: Oh, yeah, you haven't lived until you seen Bonanza dubbed into French Canadian.

Quote from Lilith

Carla: I don't know what they did with the birth goo and I don't want to know.
Lilith: But the placenta is the tidal pool of life. I'm planting mine under a tree in the backyard, so my nutrients can feed its roots. I shall become one with the planet. I shall suckle the Earth itself. I shall unite with the universe...
Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, woman, get ahold of yourself! You're having a baby. Big deal. A fly is a mother a thousand times, you don't see her making an ass of herself in front of her husband's friends.
Lilith: I beg your pardon.
Frasier: Well, Lilith, i- It was fine in the privacy of our own home, but I mean, now you're embarrassing me in front of people who would like to be my peers.
Lilith: I'm sorry, Frasier. I thought you were as enraptured by this life force we're creating as I am.
Frasier: Well, I am, in theory.
Lilith: Oh, yes, well, that's right. For the man, it's all theory. For the mother it's the deepest, richest, most moving, all-encompassing love you'd ever hope to imagine. But I'll suppress it for you. Are you happy?
Frasier: That's my girl. [Lilith walks out] Lilith, you misunderstood. I loved it. Darling? Angel face? Pea pod?

Quote from Norm

Carla: Hey, Fras. What's the latest with Madame Ovary?
Frasier: Oh, she's fine.
Sam: Don't sound too happy about it.
Frasier: Well, frankly Sam, I'm not. I feel like hell for what I said to her the other day. I've taken the most beautiful experience of her life and turned it into something as pedestrian as flossing one's teeth. I wish I could take back every hateful word I said.
Norm: Fras, Ver- Nope, nougat. Anyway Vera and I have this little technique that we use, that, uh, whenever we say something that we regret to each other, we agree never to talk about it again and it works like a charm.
Frasier: Well, Norm, I don't agree. Once you start to bury your feelings, you stop talking. Finally, you don't spend any time together at all.
Norm: Right. Works like a charm. Do you believe that? An entire box of chocolates and not one butter cream. I hate that.

Quote from Rebecca

Pete: Gee, Woody, where you going?
Woody: [downbeat] I'm going to Venice, and then Florence, and then I've got to see the Seven Hills of something or other I don't know.
Rebecca: Woody, you're going to love Italy. I'll never forget my first trip. Bunking in youth hostels, thumbing rides, this wild fling with this crazy Italian boy who never told me his name. And then one night, getting ahold of some cheap wine and getting really plastered and ripping off all my clothes... Changing for choir practice. I was with my church group.
Sam: Seems like you used to be a lot more fun. Yeah. When did you lose this childlike love of life? And why couldn't I have known you back when you were cheap and slutty?

Quote from Carla

Frasier: Greetings, everyone.
Sam: Oh! My goodness! Well, what time are you two due at the square dance?
Frasier: I'll thank you to be serious. My woman made this shirt.
Lilith: It's my first.
Frasier: Yes, we've decided to stop parasitically living off the labor of others. From now on, we provide for ourselves.
Lilith: We've been examining our lives, and we've discovered some frightening things.
Carla: You finally found Diane walled up in Frasier's crawl space?

Quote from Woody

Rebecca: Woody, why don't you just do this for me, please? Why don't you go take a trip and see your folks?
Woody: My folks were just here.
Norm: Whoa, Woody. Your parents were in Boston? Why didn't you bring them by to meet us?
Woody: What, like they got nothing better to do?
Norm: Good point.

Quote from Woody

Cliff: So, Woodman, today's the day, huh?
Norm: Yeah, you ready for the big trip, bud?
Woody: I guess so. I'm just going through this book, trying to put together a few useful Italian phrases.
Norm: Let's hear one.
Woody: All right. [speaking Italian]
Sam: That's great. What's it mean?
Norm: "l have been hideously mangled in a train accident. Please shoot me."

Quote from Lilith

Frasier: Say, Lilith, you know, it might help me to get a rhythm going if you would sing one of those simple work songs that our forefathers so beloved.
Lilith: I don't know any work songs.
Frasier: Well, sing whatever you do know.
Lilith: I only know one song.
Frasier: Well, sing that, then.
Lilith: [sings] My funny valentine Sweet comic valentine You make me smile with my heart

Quote from Woody

Rebecca: My boss was going through the personnel records and he found an alarming discrepancy.
Woody: Okay, I confess. I was $3.47 short on the receipts last October, so I put money in from my own pocket. I always knew it would catch up with me. [sobs] You don't have to say anything, Miss Howe. I'll get my things and leave quietly.
Rebecca: Woody, I'm not talking about that.
Woody: Oh, then never mind.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: Hey, Normie. Lookie here. Yeah? I was on my route and somebody gave me a box of chocolates. You, uh, you want one?
Norm: Yeah. Assortment, huh? Yeah, I like butter creams, but, uh, I can never tell which one's which. [bites into one] Nope. [another] This one either.

Quote from Norm

Lilith: We're so civilized, we've cut ourselves off from our true animal nature. Accordingly, we've decided to forsake the city and go live in the wilderness.
Frasier: Yes. We're going to leave behind the 20th century. And I will build a cabin with my own two hands and the sweat of my brow.
Norm: Uh, do you guys want these pretzels?
Frasier: Uh..., no. No, thank you. From now on, I only eat what I kill.
Norm: Then I suggest you kill about a half dozen beers and lighten up.

Quote from Lilith

Frasier: Sam, if this story is meant to discourage us, it's going to fall on deaf ears. I've already burned our last bridge. I'm proud to announce that the Doctor has given up his practice.
Norm: Oh, come on.
Sam: You did what?
Frasier: Yes. We put our house on the market, I helped Lilith compose her letter of resignation to Boston General, and I just canceled my paranoia workshop. So all we need to do now is buy a stout ax and a plot of land in the wilderness.
Lilith: And I'll stand by your side and bear your young and cook your meals.
Carla: Try not to get them mixed up.
Sam: Ah wait, whoa, hold it. Listen, have either of you even lived outside of the city?
Lilith: Well, I admit we are urbanites, but we've always enjoyed the country whenever we've flown over it.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode