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‘Knights of the Scimitar’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: Knights of the Scimitar

508. Knights of the Scimitar

Aired November 20, 1986

Diane tries to make Sam jealous by flirting with one of her students. Meanwhile, Cliff gains membership to a lodge and invites Norm to join him.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Cliffy, uh, thanks a lot, but l- l'm just not interested. You know, I guess I'm an example of the old adage, "l'd never join a club that would have someone like you as a member," you know?

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Quote from Woody

Cliff: Oh, boy. Hey, you're gonna love it down at the lodge, you know. After a hard day's work, it's a great place to unwind.
Woody: Yeah, wearing those turbans, you probably need a place to unwind. You know, unwind. [laughs] Turbans? How they're all wound up around your head and you gotta unwind 'em?
Cliff: Hey, uh good one, Woody.
Woody: I was voted class clown.
Norm: You should be proud.
Woody: Yeah, I was only running for class president.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Can I ask you a question here, Carla?
Carla: Mm-hmm.
Sam: Who's the handsomest man you know?
Carla: Robert Redford.
Sam: No, no, he's a movie star. I mean someone you really know.
Carla: Robert Redford.
Sam: You don't know Robert Redford.
Carla: Yes, I do.
Sam: How come you never mentioned it?
Carla: If you were the only woman in Boston he was messing around with, would you tell anybody?

Quote from Norm

High Sultan: Stand up, Norm Peterson, and be welcomed. Norm, uh, Norm, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself, huh?
Norm: Well, there's really nothing to say, guys.
High Sultan: Now don't be modest.
Norm: No, I mean it. There's really nothing to say. Uh... Let's see, I was born in Chicago, uh I moved to Boston and became an accountant.
High Sultan: Are you married?
Norm: Yeah.
High Sultan: To?
Norm: Long.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Oh, I'll tell you, I thought this was going to be really stupid, but these are a good bunch of guys, I tell you.
Cliff: Yep. Well, have I ever steered you wrong, Norm?
Norm: Oh, yeah; that's why I thought it was going to be stupid. But, uh, you know, it's too bad about the business stuff, but I- I feel pretty comfortable with these guys.
Cliff: Yeah.
Norm: Really, thank you for sponsoring me, buddy. Mm-hmm. I can't wait for some of these parties. Bang, zoom, eh?
High Sultan: Oh, uh, before I forget, the, uh, referendum that we ban beer at all lodge functions has been passed.
Norm: Good-bye!

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: If it isn't Walter Q. Twitchell, the man who put the "nie" in weenie.
Walt Twitchell: You South Central Branch types are all alike: wisenheimers. Good Lord, Miss Agnes! You're wearing your postal keychain and you're not on active duty?
Cliff: Well...
Walt Twitchell: That's a direct violation of postal regulations. I'm filing a report on you.
Cliff: Oh, yeah?
Walt Twitchell: Yeah.
Cliff: I'd love to see the supervisor's face when he calls me out on the mat and I whip out this little baby. Heh? Care to take a peep at the old French peeper here, Twitch? I warn ya, it's, uh, pretty hot stuff.
Walt Twitchell: [holds it up to his eye] You're a sick man, Clavin. [all laughing] What are you?
Cliff: Oh, nice shiner there, Twitch. Yeah, they could never pass up a chance to sneak a peek at Natalie in her nightie.
Walt Twitchell: Nightie?! Wasn't wearing anything I could see.
Cliff: Huh? [holds it up to his eye]
Walt Twitchell: Revenge is sweet. Here's your mail.

Quote from Carla

Lance Apollonaire: Is she gonna be all right?
Sam: Yeah, of course she's gonna be all right. Are you all right? You okay?
Carla: Yeah, yeah, I'm-l'm fine. I just had this dream that I saw the handsomest man.
[Carla gasps as she sees Lance again. She falls back straight onto the floor with a thud.]
Sam: Would you stop that, please?
Carla: Oh, nice going, Sam. I was hoping he'd give me mouth-to-mouth. You still can, you know.

Quote from Diane

Diane: As you know, last week, I was substituting as a teaching assistant at the college and it seems that one of the students has fallen in love with me.
Sam: Marry him.
Diane: See! Sam, in this case, the smitten youth is particularly good-looking.
Sam: Ah.
Diane: No, make that exceptionally good-looking.
Sam: All right.
Diane: No, make it Greek-god-like.

Quote from Woody

Diane: Sam, please. As you know, I'm one who prides herself on her attraction to the inner man, but every once in awhile, someone comes along that makes you go, "zowie."
Sam: Oh, stop it, will ya? You're just trying to make me jealous.
Diane: Your being jealous was the farthest thing from my mind although, now that you bring it up, any sane man would be jealous of Lance Apollonaire.
Sam: Oh, come on. If you're gonna make a guy up, at least give him a name that doesn't sound like a bad aftershave.
Diane: I knew it was a mistake to talk to you. I'll just have to deal with this on my own. Rest assured, though, that the last thing I need is to become that young man's "Mrs. Robinson."
Woody: Wouldn't that be Mrs. Apollonaire?
Diane: No, Woody. Mrs. Robinson was a... Yes, it would.

Quote from Carla

Cliff: You know, uh, Dad himself was a Knight. When I was a kid, I used to sneak up into his room when he was out at work and, uh, try on his turban and sword.
Carla: And unless I miss my guess, you completed the outfit with your mother's bra and high heels.
Cliff: Carla, this is serious. It's no easy task getting into the Knights. Oh, sure, as the son of an alumnus, I was, uh, guaranteed full membership, but, uh, well, hey, my oath does not permit me to say any more.
Carla: Thank God.
Cliff: Yeah. But the best part is...
Carla: Your oath, Clavin, your oath.
Cliff: No, no, this stuff's permissible, Carla.
Carla: Oh, shut up, anyway.

Quote from Diane

Sam: Oh, Diane, will you do me a favor and run up and get some change from Melville's, please? What, what are you doing?
Diane: Lance is definitely taller than you are. For a while there, I thought you were taller, but I see why I was mistaken. Your shoulders are less broad, thus giving you the illusion of greater height. I promised not to bring up this Adonis-like creature, didn't l? Sorry.
Sam: No, no, hey, don't be sorry about a little fantasy. I mean, I'm not sorry about the fantasy I had a couple of hours ago. By the way, how many nurses do you think can fit in a standard-size hot tub?
Diane: Sam, I assure you, Lance is not a fantasy, and the feelings he inspires are very real, too.
Sam: Change.
Diane: Not for you or any man.
Sam: No, no, Diane. Change: Nickels, dimes, quarters.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Okay, all right, besides Robert Redford. I mean, some somebody you see in the city here. Who's the handsomest guy you see in the city?
Carla: Um, Dwight Evans.
Sam: No, not- not an athlete. Somebody that you see every day.
Carla: My butcher.
Sam: In this bar, Carla.
Carla: Well, uh...
Sam: Standing next to you, getting very angry.
Carla: Well, that would be you, Sam.
Sam: Well, why do you put me through this stuff?
Carla: Put you through what?

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Evening, everybody.
All: Norm!
Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Zsa Zsa marries a millionaire. Peterson drinks a beer. Film at 11:00.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: [raspy] Evening, Sam.
Sam: Hey, Frasier. What's with your voice?
Frasier: Oh, I spent the afternoon screaming at a patient.
Sam: Oh. What, what kind of therapy is that?
Frasier: No, it's not therapy. He burned a hole in my carpet.

Quote from Sam

Frasier: Anyway how you doing, Sam, old man?
Sam: You know, Frasier, l, uh, I don't like that phrase "old man" anymore. Uh, I-I prefer "buddy."
Frasier: Oh, well, how you doing, Sam, old buddy? Look, is, uh, something bothering you?
Sam: Well, yeah. Diane's made up some guy who's supposed to be great-looking, just to get me riled. Only I could care less about the whole thing.
Frasier: Well, good for you, Sam. You know, the old Sam would've rambled on and on about how jealous he isn't, proving only that he really is.
Sam: Right. I mean, I could give a rat's rear what Diane does or who she does it with. And I certainly am not jealous about some college punk kid. And even if I were, which I'm not...
Frasier: [leaves his card] Call me at the office.

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