Norm: Hey, that Ed guy is not my favorite person.
Coach: I think he's a big pansy making a big fuss over some intense pain. How many times did you play hurt, Sam?
Sam: Now and then.
Coach: I must've got hit by 100 fastballs. As a matter of fact, it became a specialty of mine.
Diane: Wait. You specialized in getting hit?
Coach: Yeah.
Norm: Yeah, he led the league in HBPs two years in a row.
Sam: Hit By Pitches.
Coach: See, I perfected it when I was down with the St Louis Browns organization, Diane. I could get to first base on any pitch. I mean, what I'd do was, I'd get up there and lean my body into the pitch, all right? Well, sometimes I took one right in the old melon. Only, I really made a science out of it. I became a master.

Coach: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You wanna talk about excitement, huh? Sam, tell 'em about opening day in New York. You come out of the bullpen on the seventh. The bases are loaded with pinstripes. Bobby Mercer's at the plate.
Sam: He hit a 400ft home run off me, Coach!
Coach: My God, it was the most exciting thing I ever saw!
Carla: Coach, this is Sam's interview. Why would he wanna talk about something bad happening to him?
Coach: You're right, Carla. I don't know what it is. You know, sometimes I just think of the smartest thing to say, and then it comes out so stupid.
Carla: That doesn't make any sense.
Coach: Well, you should have heard it before I said it!

Coach: Here you go, Carla. Gin Collins, vodka Collins.
Carla: Thanks, Coach. Which one's which?
Coach: The gin Collins is in Larry and the vodka Collins is in Steve.
Carla: Coach, what are you talking about?
Coach: Larry and Steve.
Carla: You've named the glasses?
Coach: Well, how else do I know which is which? I mean, look, for instance, over here is Pete, Glen, Fred, Al... And not to offend the ladies, we've got Jeannie, Ginger, Gracie, Sally...
Carla: Coach! How do you tell which one is which?
Coach: Oh, it's very easy. To me, they're all very different. Except the Wilson brothers.

Coach: I'm sorry, Lisa, but the time has come for me to put my foot in my mouth and tell you you cannot marry this man. I mean, you absolutely, positively cannot marry this man. Che una cosa impossibile.
Lisa: Daddy, I've never heard you talk like this before.
Coach: Well, now you have. And I'll tell you something, I don't like this guy Roy, and I don't like Charlie Spikes, and you can't marry either one of them.
Lisa: Look, Daddy, I'm not dumb. I know Roy's abrasive, I know he's insensitive, and I know he's probably only marrying me so he can get the Pennsylvania territory.
Coach: But why would you want to marry a man like this?
Lisa: Daddy, isn't it obvious to you?
Coach: Nothing's ever obvious to me.

Lisa: Daddy, don't make me say this.
Coach: What? What?
Lisa: I wanna be married and I wanna have children. Roy is the first man that ever asked me to marry him and I'm afraid he's gonna be the last.
Coach: Oh, come on, honey, there must have been dozens of young fellas that proposed to you.
Lisa: No, Daddy, wake up. Roy is the first one ever.
Coach: But you're so beautiful, so...
Lisa: Beautiful? Daddy, you have been saying that I'm beautiful ever since I was a very little girl. But look at me. Not as my father. But like you're looking at me for the first time. And please try to see me as I really am.
Coach: Oh, my God, I didn't realize how much you looked like your mother.
Lisa: I know. I look exactly like her, and Mom was not... comfortable about her beauty.
Coach: But that's what made her more beautiful. Your mother grew more beautiful every day of her life.
Lisa: She was really beautiful.
Coach: Yes, and so are you. You're the most beautiful kid in the whole world.
Lisa: Thanks, Daddy.

Rebecca: Pardon me.
Coach: Hi.
Rebecca: I'm looking for a Diane Chambers.
Coach: You're in luck. We've got a Diane Chambers.
Rebecca: I beg your pardon?
Coach: I hope you only want one.
Rebecca: Do you sense this conversation is an exercise in futility?
Coach: Oh, thank you very much. My name is Ernie Pantusso but you can call me Coach.
Rebecca: Rebecca Prout.
Coach: Hi, Becky.
Rebecca: Diane and I shared a suite at Bennington.
Coach: No kidding? Sam and I shared a Chunky Bar in Cleveland.

Diane: I reached out to her. That weasel. Coach, what do you do when you are so furious you have to do something?
Coach: Well, I know you'll think it's kind of crazy, but I bang my head on the bar.
Diane: Doesn't sound crazy to me. It might do me a lot of good right now.
Coach: Well, OK. [bangs his head on the bar]
Diane: No, don't. Stop that, please.
Coach: You feel better?
Diane: Yes. Thank you. How about you?
Coach: Oh, I feel fine. I mean, to me, it's kind of a picker-upper.

Coach: Sit down, I'll show you the place. Have a seat. Now, let's see. This is the bar. Those are the bottles. These are the glasses. That's a stool. Any questions?
Nina: Well, you know, I've always wondered what gas you use to pressurize those beer kegs.
Coach: Probably unleaded.

Coach: Listen, Rick. In my day, there was always attractive young dames outside the stadium waiting for players.
Rick Walker: They're still there, Coach.
Coach: Are you kiddin'? Say hello to Rosie McGonagal for me, will ya?
Rick Walker: Different ones are there, Coach.
Coach: Oh, yeah.

Cliff: Hey, here's a little-known fact. Now, most of you were probably under the assumption that basketball was invented in these United States, right?
Man: Yeah, James Naismith, Springfield College.
Cliff: I can see it's a good thing I showed up tonight. Basketball was invented thousands of years ago by the Mayans. They played it for centuries.
Man: Is that true?
Norm: Sure.
Cliff: Watch me get the Coach on this one. Coach, I got a question for you. Who invented basketball?
Coach: The Mayans.
Norm: Way to go, Coach.
Cliff: Where did you hear that?
Coach: Well, how should I know? There must've been a Mayan in here bragging about it.