Coach: Sam, Lana gave me a message for you but I can't remember it.
Sam: Lana's here?
Coach: That's it.
Coach: By the way, what are you two doing? We got a lot of customers out there.
Sam: Coach, I got a problem. Diane's helping me talk through it.
Coach: Look, Sam, let me tell you something. You've faced a lot of tough problems. You always found a solution but ever since Sir lsaac Hayes here came along... No offence, Diane, I love Sir lsaac Hayes, but, Sam, since then, it's been talk, talk, talk.

Diane: Did you ever lose a pet?
Coach: Uh, like an animal?
Diane: Yeah.
Coach: Uh, I never had a pet, Diane. But my grandfather had a dog that I loved very much.
Diane: Oh, what did you call him?
Coach: Grandpa.
Diane: I meant the dog.
Coach: Oh, the dog? Bruno.
Diane: What happened to him?
Coach: Fell down in the bathtub and died.
Diane: I meant the dog.
Coach: So did l. My grandfather, poor old guy, got run over by a bus. You know something, Diane? Nobody's ever listened to my story before. And it's good to get it off your chest, you know. If ever I can be there for you, Diane, just let me know and I'll be there.
Diane: Well, actually...
Coach: Excuse me, Diane.

Carla: Coach?
Coach: Si?
Carla: Did you know Sam has a brother?
Coach: Of course I know he had a brother. He hates him.
Carla: Why does he hate him?
Coach: He was cruel to him. When Sam was a kid, he used to shove his head underwater. Hey, wait a minute. That was my brother. Come to think of it, that was my head.

Norm: What's wrong, Coach?
Coach: Oh, I didn't get the job in Venezuela. They hired another guy.
Cliff: Oh, jeez, what's the matter? They didn't like your Spanish?
Coach: No, no, the Spanish was fine. They didn't like my English.
Cliff: See, that's too bad, Coach. Sorry.
Coach: Well, que so what, so what.

Carla: Coach. Coach, what did you do that for? That was our chance to get rid of her once and for all. Are you crazy?
Coach: Crazy, Carla? [taps his head] Crazy like a doorknob.

Coach: You know what I was just thinking? Most of the guys that, you know, I broke into the majors with are all gone now.
Alan: You mean gone to the great beyond?
Coach: No, Alan, dead. Oh, I can't understand it. You know, you wonder, you're born, you grow up, you die. Is that the end? Is that it?
Cliff: Well, you know, there's various theories about an afterlife, Coach. Ah, yeah, millions believe in reincarnation.
Coach: You mean like when you come back as a chicken?
Cliff: Well, not necessarily as a chicken, Coach. Well, the Hindus believe that what you come back as depends on your behavior in this life. You know, if you've lead a good life, you come back in an elevated state.
Coach: Like Colorado?
Cliff: No, Coach. More like a king or a prince. But, you know, conversely, if you've not led a good life, you'll come back in a lowly condition.
Norm: Last time out, I must have made a real ass out of myself.
Paul: I figure if you're dead, you're dead. This idea of living forever doesn't appeal to me.
Norm: I can see why, Paul.

Sam: You know, what the hell's this about? Is this because I didn't take your side against Carla?
Diane: No, Sam. The problem with Carla is only a symptom. You see, it's abundantly clear to me that our working together is making our lives miserable and it can only get worse.
Coach: Diane, you just can't leave like that. I mean, we should have a party, you know. Some booze, a lot of pretzels, some munchies, get a lot of people together.
Norm: Coach, you mean kind of like this?
Coach: Well, I guess that's goodbye, Diane.

Sam: Coach, we don't want to be bothered.
Coach: Who does?

Coach: You know, Sam, every time I hear A Foggy Day In London Town, I think of my wife.
Sam: Oh, was that your song, Coach?
Coach: No, but Sinatra sang that and it always reminds me of that movie From Here To Eternity.
Cliff: Oh, you took her to see it on your first date, Coach?
Coach: No, that movie reminds me of Hawaii.
Diane: Oh, you and your wife met in Hawaii?
Coach: No, I've never been to Hawaii, Diane. Neither has Wally Engels.
Cliff: I'll take it. Coach, who's Wally Engels?
Coach: An old pal of mine in the navy. He introduced me to my wife.
All: Ah.
Sam: Boy, that's some memory you've got there, Coach.
Coach: Yeah, Sam. [Moon River plays on the radio]
Man: Ah, that song brings back great memories.
Coach: Oh, yeah, really? What?
Man: They were playing it the day my daughter got married.
Coach: Yeah?
Man: That's all.
Coach: We sure get 'em in here, don't we, Sam?

Sam: Coach, why did you do this? I've told you a thousand times, don't buy anything for the bar without checking with me.
Coach: Gee, I'm sorry, Sam. That salesman, I just couldn't resist him. I mean, he had a way about him.
Sam: One of those fast talkers?
Coach: No, no. No, no. This big tall skinny guy with a beard. He reminded me of somebody in history. Uh, a president. The guy who freed the slaves.
Sam: Abraham Lincoln?
Coach: Only this guy wasn't nice at all. As a matter of fact, he was kind of mean. He reminded me of that little guy in Germany with the mustache. World War II.
Sam: Adolf Hitler?
Coach: Boy, don't play trivia with this guy.
Norm: Coach, you mean this guy was a cross between Abraham Lincoln and Hitler?
Coach: Normie, I don't know. I just want to tell you, he was strange, Normie. He was all dressed in black, and his eyes shined like coals and he had this deep voice and he said to me, [deep voice, German accent] "This scale will not only tell you your weight, but it will tell you your destiny."
Diane: He had an accent?
Coach: No.
Carla: Then why did you say it like, [German accent] your weight and your destiny?
Coach: Just a little color, Carla.