Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Tortelli Tort’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: The Tortelli Tort

103. The Tortelli Tort

Aired October 14, 1982

After Carla attacks an obnoxious Yankee fan, the guy threatens to sue Sam if he doesn't fire her.

Quote from Carla

Carla: All right. Our prayers are answered. Normie, babe. Yastrzemski's up with a man on.
Norm: The fountain of youth. C'mon now.
Carla: Now we'll get something going! You and me, Yaz. You and me, Yaz. My hero. My man.
Norm: Ah, popped it up! Sox lose again.
Carla: You old fossil! That's it. That does it. May I have your attention, please, everyone? I have an announcement to make. As of right now, [all join in] Carla Tortelli is no longer a Red Sox fan. No, no, really, I mean it this time. Now stop that, OK? [by herself] Have I said that before?

Rate

Quote from Diane

Coach: You talked to your lawyer, Sam?
Sam: Yeah, I finally got through.
Coach: So, what did he say?
Diane: Well, if he's worth a dime, he said by statute and precedence this would be a tort. And there is, therefore, substantial grounds for cause of action.
Sam: How did you know that?
Diane: Well, I picked it up in pre-law.
Sam: I thought you were an English major?
Diane: Well, that was after art and before psychology.
Sam: Is there anything you weren't in college?
Carla: Blonde.
Diane: Check the yearbook, Carla. Check the yearbook.

Quote from Coach

Norm: Hey, that Ed guy is not my favorite person.
Coach: I think he's a big pansy making a big fuss over some intense pain. How many times did you play hurt, Sam?
Sam: Now and then.
Coach: I must've got hit by 100 fastballs. As a matter of fact, it became a specialty of mine.
Diane: Wait. You specialized in getting hit?
Coach: Yeah.
Norm: Yeah, he led the league in HBPs two years in a row.
Sam: Hit By Pitches.
Coach: See, I perfected it when I was down with the St Louis Browns organization, Diane. I could get to first base on any pitch. I mean, what I'd do was, I'd get up there and lean my body into the pitch, all right? Well, sometimes I took one right in the old melon. Only, I really made a science out of it. I became a master.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Sam. Look, I'm sorry I got you in trouble. I promise it won't happen again.
Sam: How am supposed to I believe that? You've flown off the handle too often.
Carla: When?
Sam: You don't remember throwing a man's change at him from across the bar?
Carla: The correct change.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Hello, Doctor.
Dr. Graham: Hello, Diane. How are you?
Diane: Uh... In what sense?
Dr. Graham: Pardon me?
Diane: Oh... You mean, "How are you?", right? Not, "How are you?" Well, if that's what you meant, I'm fine.
Dr. Graham: Good.
Diane: Well, it's really good to see you, but I should get back to work.
Dr. Graham: Okay.
Diane: Nothing personal, I'm just a hard worker. Not that I'm obsessed with work.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm.
Diane: Norman.
Coach: How you doing, Norm?
Norm: Cut the small talk and give me a beer.

Quote from Diane

Carla: You know, Big Ed, the Sox are doing OK.
Ed: Yeah? Since 1918, the Yankees have won 23 world championships. And the Sox, zip.
Diane: Want to talk about major poets from New England as opposed to New York? Want to talk about Nobel Prize winners in medicine?
All: No.
Diane: Philistines.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Sam, he was insulting you. You so stupid you don't even know when you're being insulted?
Sam: Carla, I appreciate you defending my honor, but I used to be a baseball player, I'm used to people riding me. In Yankee Stadium I had to face 50,000 Eddies. I can defend myself without having to call in Spider Lady.
Carla: Yeah. I did make a couple of nice moves. Like when I swung...
Sam: Carla. Carla, sit down. Look. I'm your friend and I like you. But I'm also a businessman, and as such I don't like what you did tonight. Look, you know, I could get tough with you. My lawyer wants me to do exactly what Eddie asked.
Carla: Fire me? [laughs] C'mon. That's crazy.
Sam: Carla, I could lose the bar.
Carla: Sam, you can't fire me. And I need this job. Think of my kids. If I didn't have this job, I'd have to stay home with them.

Quote from Coach

Carla: Dr. Graham, this is my boss, Sam.
Dr. Graham: Hi, how do you do?
Sam: Hi. How are you doing?
Carla: And this is Coach Pantusso.
Coach: Hi, Doc. So you're a psychologist? You know, our jobs are a lot alike.
Dr. Graham: You mean because we both listen to people's problems all day?
Coach: Well, there's that, too.

Quote from Carla

Coach: Carla, how did you do it, honey?
Carla: Nothing to it. I mean, I've been working really hard on this, haven't l, Doc? I mean, we had some great sessions. I just used this trick Dr Graham taught me. I imagined a small point way off in the distance...
Cliff: [o.s.] Hey, Carla. Where's that beer I ordered?
Carla: Shut up! We're celebrating! [throws a glass of beer to the back] I just kept thinking of that point. He never fazed me, I'm telling you... With a little deep breathing...

Quote from Coach

Sam: You got something funny there, Coach?
Coach: Yeah, Sam, this salesman came by this morning with these new napkins. Read that one. It's terrific.
Sam: This isn't funny.
Coach: Well, that's not the funniest. Read some of the others.
Sam: What others?
Coach: Oh, here. I bought 30 gross. Take your pick.
Sam: 30 gross of two hunters saying, "Did I hear a buck snort?"
Coach: No, no. They're all different, Sam. Well, I'll be darned. That salesman. But two bucks snorting is funny every time. [laughs]
Sam: You should've asked me before you did this, Coach.
Coach: Gee, I'm sorry, Sam. I was sure you were gonna love 'em. These things are real conversation starters.
Sam: No, this is not a conversation starter.
Man: You seen these awful napkins?
Cliff: Yeah. They stink.
Coach: See what I mean? The place is a-buzz.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Here's your drinks. Go, Red Sox!
Man: Miss, which drink is which here?
Carla: What does this look like, the Pepsi Challenge?
Diane: Sam, Carla's getting her drinks mixed up because she's watching that silly game.
Carla: Snitch face! You know, if you'd tried that at St Clete's School for Girls, we'd have given you a pink belly that glowed in the dark.
Sam: I'd kinda like to see that.

Quote from Diane

Carla: You homesick for the Bronx?
Ed: Yeah.
Carla: Here. [blows a raspberry]
Diane: You'll have to forgive Carla, she gets overemotional at times. But please bear in mind, you are in an alien camp. Tact is perhaps your wisest recourse.
Ed: What did you get, a vocabulary for Christmas?
Diane: How'd you like to take a flying leap up a knuckle sandwich?
Ed: Huh?
Diane: Well, you gather my inference.

Quote from Sam

Ed: As I recall, you had a darned good hard slider. And here you are schlepping drinks? The great Sam "Maybe" Malone.
Norm: Hey, hey, hey. That is "Mayday".
Ed: Let me buy you a drink, Sam.
Sam: No, thanks.
Ed: Come on, I didn't mean all that stuff about your ball club. C'mon, have a drink.
Sam: I don't drink.
Ed: A ball player that don't drink?
Coach: He doesn't drink any more. That's it.
Ed: Oh, that's- That's what happened. And I thought you just lost it. [laughs]
Coach: Hey, he licked his booze problem three years ago.
Ed: Hey, what was it like pitching at two guys at the same time? [laughs] What was it like coming in with bases loaded, and so were you?
[Carla screams as she runs up and jumps Ed before pounding his face into the bar]

Quote from Coach

Coach: Sam, this is Carla we're talking about.
Sam: I know it's Carla we're talking about, Coach!
Diane: Excuse me. May I make a suggestion?
Coach: Sure, honey, go ahead. What?
Diane: Well, I have a very close friend who is a clinical psychologist.
Coach: That could work.
Sam: What could work?
Coach: Well, I don't know, Sam, give the kid a chance to talk.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode