Carla: All right. Our prayers are answered. Normie, babe. Yastrzemski's up with a man on.
Norm: The fountain of youth. C'mon now.
Carla: Now we'll get something going! You and me, Yaz. You and me, Yaz. My hero. My man.
Norm: Ah, popped it up! Sox lose again.
Carla: You old fossil! That's it. That does it. May I have your attention, please, everyone? I have an announcement to make. As of right now, [all join in] Carla Tortelli is no longer a Red Sox fan. No, no, really, I mean it this time. Now stop that, OK? [by herself] Have I said that before?

Coach: You talked to your lawyer, Sam?
Sam: Yeah, I finally got through.
Coach: So, what did he say?
Diane: Well, if he's worth a dime, he said by statute and precedence this would be a tort. And there is, therefore, substantial grounds for cause of action.
Sam: How did you know that?
Diane: Well, I picked it up in pre-law.
Sam: I thought you were an English major?
Diane: Well, that was after art and before psychology.
Sam: Is there anything you weren't in college?
Carla: Blonde.
Diane: Check the yearbook, Carla. Check the yearbook.

Norm: Hey, that Ed guy is not my favorite person.
Coach: I think he's a big pansy making a big fuss over some intense pain. How many times did you play hurt, Sam?
Sam: Now and then.
Coach: I must've got hit by 100 fastballs. As a matter of fact, it became a specialty of mine.
Diane: Wait. You specialized in getting hit?
Coach: Yeah.
Norm: Yeah, he led the league in HBPs two years in a row.
Sam: Hit By Pitches.
Coach: See, I perfected it when I was down with the St Louis Browns organization, Diane. I could get to first base on any pitch. I mean, what I'd do was, I'd get up there and lean my body into the pitch, all right? Well, sometimes I took one right in the old melon. Only, I really made a science out of it. I became a master.

Carla: Sam. Look, I'm sorry I got you in trouble. I promise it won't happen again.
Sam: How am supposed to I believe that? You've flown off the handle too often.
Carla: When?
Sam: You don't remember throwing a man's change at him from across the bar?
Carla: The correct change.

Diane: Hello, Doctor.
Dr. Graham: Hello, Diane. How are you?
Diane: Uh... In what sense?
Dr. Graham: Pardon me?
Diane: Oh... You mean, "How are you?", right? Not, "How are you?" Well, if that's what you meant, I'm fine.
Dr. Graham: Good.
Diane: Well, it's really good to see you, but I should get back to work.
Dr. Graham: Okay.
Diane: Nothing personal, I'm just a hard worker. Not that I'm obsessed with work.

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm.
Diane: Norman.
Coach: How you doing, Norm?
Norm: Cut the small talk and give me a beer.

Carla: You know, Big Ed, the Sox are doing OK.
Ed: Yeah? Since 1918, the Yankees have won 23 world championships. And the Sox, zip.
Diane: Want to talk about major poets from New England as opposed to New York? Want to talk about Nobel Prize winners in medicine?
All: No.
Diane: Philistines.

Carla: Sam, he was insulting you. You so stupid you don't even know when you're being insulted?
Sam: Carla, I appreciate you defending my honor, but I used to be a baseball player, I'm used to people riding me. In Yankee Stadium I had to face 50,000 Eddies. I can defend myself without having to call in Spider Lady.
Carla: Yeah. I did make a couple of nice moves. Like when I swung...
Sam: Carla. Carla, sit down. Look. I'm your friend and I like you. But I'm also a businessman, and as such I don't like what you did tonight. Look, you know, I could get tough with you. My lawyer wants me to do exactly what Eddie asked.
Carla: Fire me? [laughs] C'mon. That's crazy.
Sam: Carla, I could lose the bar.
Carla: Sam, you can't fire me. And I need this job. Think of my kids. If I didn't have this job, I'd have to stay home with them.

Carla: Dr. Graham, this is my boss, Sam.
Dr. Graham: Hi, how do you do?
Sam: Hi. How are you doing?
Carla: And this is Coach Pantusso.
Coach: Hi, Doc. So you're a psychologist? You know, our jobs are a lot alike.
Dr. Graham: You mean because we both listen to people's problems all day?
Coach: Well, there's that, too.

Coach: Carla, how did you do it, honey?
Carla: Nothing to it. I mean, I've been working really hard on this, haven't l, Doc? I mean, we had some great sessions. I just used this trick Dr Graham taught me. I imagined a small point way off in the distance...
Cliff: [o.s.] Hey, Carla. Where's that beer I ordered?
Carla: Shut up! We're celebrating! [throws a glass of beer to the back] I just kept thinking of that point. He never fazed me, I'm telling you... With a little deep breathing...