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‘Coach's Daughter’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: Coach's Daughter

105. Coach's Daughter

Aired October 28, 1982

Coach is upset when his sweet but insecure daughter introduces him to her boorish new fiance.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Here you go, Carla. Gin Collins, vodka Collins.
Carla: Thanks, Coach. Which one's which? The gin Collins is in Larry and the vodka Collins is in Steve.
Carla: Coach, what are you talking about?
Coach: Larry and Steve.
Carla: You've named the glasses?
Coach: Well, how else do I know which is which? I mean, look, for instance, over here is Pete, Glen, Fred, Al... And not to offend the ladies, we've got Jeannie, Ginger, Gracie, Sally...
Carla: Coach! How do you tell which one is which?
Coach: Oh, it's very easy. To me, they're all very different. Except the Wilson brothers.

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Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Diane: Norman.
Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps.
Sam: How's it going, Norm?
Norm: Not so good. I missed a digit in the debit column today. The boss is now using my butt for an ashtray.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Hey, Chuck, how's the job search going?
Chuck: I got something, Sam, but I'm not crazy about it. I'm a janitor at a biology lab where they do DNA experiments, making mutant viruses and stuff.
Sam: Sounds like a pretty good job to me.
Chuck: I don't know. Makes me a little nervous, you know, all that weird stuff floating around.
Carla: Ah, hey, don't worry about it.
Norm: Don't sweat it.
Sam: Yeah, of course, they handle all that stuff.
Chuck: Yeah, I guess you're right. Must be getting a little paranoid, huh?
Carla: Yeah.
Chuck: See you later. You know, I feel better already.
Carla: Bye-bye.
Sam: Bye.
[After Chuck leaves, everybody in the bar starts spraying and wiping down surfaces.]
Cliff: Sammy, he used the phone.
[After Sam tosses Norm an aerosol spray to give to Cliff, Carla throws Sam a cloth to pick up Chuck's glass without touching it]

Quote from Coach

Coach: I'm sorry, Lisa, but the time has come for me to put my foot in my mouth and tell you you cannot marry this man. I mean, you absolutely, positively cannot marry this man. Che una cosa impossibile.
Lisa: Daddy, I've never heard you talk like this before.
Coach: Well, now you have. And I'll tell you something, I don't like this guy Roy, and I don't like Charlie Spikes, and you can't marry either one of them.
Lisa: Look, Daddy, I'm not dumb. I know Roy's abrasive, I know he's insensitive, and I know he's probably only marrying me so he can get the Pennsylvania territory.
Coach: But why would you want to marry a man like this?
Lisa: Daddy, isn't it obvious to you?
Coach: Nothing's ever obvious to me.

Quote from Coach

Lisa: Daddy, don't make me say this.
Coach: What? What?
Lisa: I wanna be married and I wanna have children. Roy is the first man that ever asked me to marry him and I'm afraid he's gonna be the last.
Coach: Oh, come on, honey, there must have been dozens of young fellas that proposed to you.
Lisa: No, Daddy, wake up. Roy is the first one ever.
Coach: But you're so beautiful, so...
Lisa: Beautiful? Daddy, you have been saying that I'm beautiful ever since I was a very little girl. But look at me. Not as my father. But like you're looking at me for the first time. And please try to see me as I really am.
Coach: Oh, my God, I didn't realize how much you looked like your mother.
Lisa: I know. I look exactly like her, and Mom was not... comfortable about her beauty.
Coach: But that's what made her more beautiful. Your mother grew more beautiful every day of her life.
Lisa: She was really beautiful.
Coach: Yes, and so are you. You're the most beautiful kid in the whole world.
Lisa: Thanks, Daddy.

Quote from Diane

Sam: Do you have a Mr. Right in mind, do you, Diane?
Diane: Well, I suppose I do. Every woman does.
Sam: What's he like?
Diane: Oh, come on.
Sam: No, come on, come on. Maybe I know the guy. Maybe I know him real well...
Diane: Well, for one thing, he would be very intelligent. Very well educated. Perhaps even over-educated, if there is such a thing. Not particularly athletic, perhaps even clumsy, but charmingly so. Blond, blue-eyed, with a Byron-like innocence.
Sam: Hey, now, I know this person. I know this person.
Diane: Who?
Sam: You. You just described yourself perfectly. I hope you'll be very happy together.

Quote from Diane

Cliff: Your move, Sammy.
Diane: Sam, I'll only ask this once. Now, if you say no, it's no. But I would love to start doing caricatures of the customers here. Caricature is a satirical form of art that the common man loves. And I think it would just be a wonderful memento of our customers' visits here.
Sam: No.
Diane: And my art instructor said- He said I'm an original and this would be an invaluable experience.
Sam: No.
Diane: And I'd only do it during the slow periods so it really wouldn't interfere with my waiting tables.
Sam: No.
Diane: So, what do you say? Can I do it?
Sam: No!
Diane: We'll talk about it later.
Sam: No. No, we won't talk about this later. I don't want you to do that stuff in here.
Diane: I'm going to do it anyway.
Sam: [to Cliff] Well, at least she, uh, cleared it with me first.

Quote from Coach

Coach: The man's a pig. I just had dinner with a pig. He's even more disgusting when he's around food.
Sam: That's hard to believe.
Coach: Hard to believe? The last thing I saw, he was pulling his chair up to a dessert cart.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Coach, come here. I'm a daughter myself, right? Let me tell you something about my father. My father is a very wise and learned man, but he never gave himself a chance to really get to know the boys I brought home. He would decide that he didn't like them for no better reason than one of them had bad posture or another one had facial hair. I'll never forget when I was foolish enough to bring home a utopian socialist.
Sam: Oh, my God!
Carla: Oh, no!
Diane: I know, it's unbelievable. I was a rebel then. The point I'm trying to make is, you mustn't make the mistake of judging Roy too quickly.
Diane: Now, call me crazy-
All: You are crazy.
Diane: Very funny. What I am struggling to say is, call me a bleeding heart-
All: You're a bleeding heart.
Diane: Call me cute as a button. [silence] Fine. Coach, I'm a humanist. That means that I have to believe there's something fine and noble about every human being. And if we haven't found what's fine and noble about Roy yet, it means that we haven't looked deeply enough.

Quote from Sam

Carla: Oh, Sam, when you were in the back, one of your women called. And she said to tell you that you're a lying piece of garbage and she never wants to see you again.
Sam: Did she leave her name?
Carla: No, but, uh, she did tell me to add one more thing.
Sam: What's that? [Carla spits on Sam's shoe] Oh, yeah, that's Patty.

Quote from Carla

Coach: Norm, would you please watch your language today, please?
Norm: Sure. What's the problem?
Coach: Lisa's coming over.
Sam: I didn't know that. It'll be great to see her.
Diane: Who is Lisa?
Carla: That's the Coach's daughter. Or is it a martini glass? [Diane laughs]

Quote from Coach

Lisa: Daddy, come with us.
Coach: No, you go ahead, I got something to do. I'll see you later.
Lisa: All right, I'll see you later.
Coach: All right.
Lisa: [to Roy] You know, I am so glad that you two finally got a chance to meet.
Roy: Ciao. [laughs] Do you get it? We're going to eat and I said ciao. Ciao. I'm telling you, I'm a funny guy.
Coach: Huh. Sam, could you cover for me for a couple of moments?
Sam: Sure, Coach. Where are you going?
Coach: To toss my lunch.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Coach, what are you going to do about this?
Coach: You know, I've given Lisa everything she ever wanted. What can I do?
Sam: Well, you're gonna have to tell her how you feel, Coach.
Diane: I can no longer hold my tongue.
Carla: Want me to do it?

Quote from Diane

Diane: Roy, how about if you and I chat over here?
Roy: Good idea.
Diane: Coach, will you excuse us for a moment?
Roy: The suit's getting to you, isn't it?
Diane: Roy, your personality is very... strong.
Roy: Amen.
Diane: But I know that's not the real you. You know, an aggressive personality is often a mask for a very shy and sensitive soul. I'm willing to gamble that you are such a person.
Roy: You're not wearing a bra, are you?
Diane: [walks back to Coach] The man is pond scum.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Coach. Coach, let me talk to you here. Do you remember a double-header against Cleveland on a hot August day, 1974?
Coach: Yeah, I remember part of that. Yeah.
Sam: What part?
Coach: I remember hot.
Sam: Well, that's good. That's good. That's a beginning. Do you remember I was on the mound and Johnson had been thrown out of the game, and you were filling in as manager. It was the last inning. I had just walked. The base was loaded. Ah, gosh, who was up?
Coach: Spikes. Charlie Spikes.
Sam: Ah, that's it. Charlie Spikes. Anyway, you came out to the mound to talk to me because I was in a jam. I didn't have any good stuff left. I thought you were going to yank me but you didn't. Instead, you said that something I've never forgotten. Do you remember what you said?
Coach: What did I say?
Sam: You said, "Go get him."
Coach: I said that?
Sam: Yeah. And I got him, Coach. I got him.
Coach: Well, I was glad to be there, Sammy, to help out.
Sam: Well, I'm glad you were there, too, Coach. Because if you hadn't said that, my career may have ended that day, instead of when it did... a couple of weeks later.
Coach: Sam, what the hell are we talking about this now for?
Sam: Coach, go get him.

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