Coach: Here you go, Carla. Gin Collins, vodka Collins.
Carla: Thanks, Coach. Which one's which?
Coach: The gin Collins is in Larry and the vodka Collins is in Steve.
Carla: Coach, what are you talking about?
Coach: Larry and Steve.
Carla: You've named the glasses?
Coach: Well, how else do I know which is which? I mean, look, for instance, over here is Pete, Glen, Fred, Al... And not to offend the ladies, we've got Jeannie, Ginger, Gracie, Sally...
Carla: Coach! How do you tell which one is which?
Coach: Oh, it's very easy. To me, they're all very different. Except the Wilson brothers.

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Diane: Norman.
Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps.
Sam: How's it going, Norm?
Norm: Not so good. I missed a digit in the debit column today. The boss is now using my butt for an ashtray.

Sam: Hey, Chuck, how's the job search going?
Chuck: I got something, Sam, but I'm not crazy about it. I'm a janitor at a biology lab where they do DNA experiments, making mutant viruses and stuff.
Sam: Sounds like a pretty good job to me.
Chuck: I don't know. Makes me a little nervous, you know, all that weird stuff floating around.
Carla: Ah, hey, don't worry about it.
Norm: Don't sweat it.
Sam: Yeah, of course, they handle all that stuff.
Chuck: Yeah, I guess you're right. Must be getting a little paranoid, huh?
Carla: Yeah.
Chuck: See you later. You know, I feel better already.
Carla: Bye-bye.
Sam: Bye.
[After Chuck leaves, everybody in the bar starts spraying and wiping down surfaces.]
Cliff: Sammy, he used the phone.
[After Sam tosses Norm an aerosol spray to give to Cliff, Carla throws Sam a cloth to pick up Chuck's glass without touching it]

Coach: I'm sorry, Lisa, but the time has come for me to put my foot in my mouth and tell you you cannot marry this man. I mean, you absolutely, positively cannot marry this man. Che una cosa impossibile.
Lisa: Daddy, I've never heard you talk like this before.
Coach: Well, now you have. And I'll tell you something, I don't like this guy Roy, and I don't like Charlie Spikes, and you can't marry either one of them.
Lisa: Look, Daddy, I'm not dumb. I know Roy's abrasive, I know he's insensitive, and I know he's probably only marrying me so he can get the Pennsylvania territory.
Coach: But why would you want to marry a man like this?
Lisa: Daddy, isn't it obvious to you?
Coach: Nothing's ever obvious to me.

Lisa: Daddy, don't make me say this.
Coach: What? What?
Lisa: I wanna be married and I wanna have children. Roy is the first man that ever asked me to marry him and I'm afraid he's gonna be the last.
Coach: Oh, come on, honey, there must have been dozens of young fellas that proposed to you.
Lisa: No, Daddy, wake up. Roy is the first one ever.
Coach: But you're so beautiful, so...
Lisa: Beautiful? Daddy, you have been saying that I'm beautiful ever since I was a very little girl. But look at me. Not as my father. But like you're looking at me for the first time. And please try to see me as I really am.
Coach: Oh, my God, I didn't realize how much you looked like your mother.
Lisa: I know. I look exactly like her, and Mom was not... comfortable about her beauty.
Coach: But that's what made her more beautiful. Your mother grew more beautiful every day of her life.
Lisa: She was really beautiful.
Coach: Yes, and so are you. You're the most beautiful kid in the whole world.
Lisa: Thanks, Daddy.

Sam: Do you have a Mr. Right in mind, do you, Diane?
Diane: Well, I suppose I do. Every woman does.
Sam: What's he like?
Diane: Oh, come on.
Sam: No, come on, come on. Maybe I know the guy. Maybe I know him real well...
Diane: Well, for one thing, he would be very intelligent. Very well educated. Perhaps even over-educated, if there is such a thing. Not particularly athletic, perhaps even clumsy, but charmingly so. Blond, blue-eyed, with a Byron-like innocence.
Sam: Hey, now, I know this person. I know this person.
Diane: Who?
Sam: You. You just described yourself perfectly. I hope you'll be very happy together.

Cliff: Your move, Sammy.
Diane: Sam, I'll only ask this once. Now, if you say no, it's no. But I would love to start doing caricatures of the customers here. Caricature is a satirical form of art that the common man loves. And I think it would just be a wonderful memento of our customers' visits here.
Sam: No.
Diane: And my art instructor said- He said I'm an original and this would be an invaluable experience.
Sam: No.
Diane: And I'd only do it during the slow periods so it really wouldn't interfere with my waiting tables.
Sam: No.
Diane: So, what do you say? Can I do it?
Sam: No!
Diane: We'll talk about it later.
Sam: No. No, we won't talk about this later. I don't want you to do that stuff in here.
Diane: I'm going to do it anyway.
Sam: [to Cliff] Well, at least she, uh, cleared it with me first.

Coach: The man's a pig. I just had dinner with a pig. He's even more disgusting when he's around food.
Sam: That's hard to believe.
Coach: Hard to believe? The last thing I saw, he was pulling his chair up to a dessert cart.

Diane: Coach, come here. I'm a daughter myself, right? Let me tell you something about my father. My father is a very wise and learned man, but he never gave himself a chance to really get to know the boys I brought home. He would decide that he didn't like them for no better reason than one of them had bad posture or another one had facial hair. I'll never forget when I was foolish enough to bring home a utopian socialist.
Sam: Oh, my God!
Carla: Oh, no!
Diane: I know, it's unbelievable. I was a rebel then. The point I'm trying to make is, you mustn't make the mistake of judging Roy too quickly.
Diane: Now, call me crazy-
All: You are crazy.
Diane: Very funny. What I am struggling to say is, call me a bleeding heart-
All: You're a bleeding heart.
Diane: Call me cute as a button. [silence] Fine. Coach, I'm a humanist. That means that I have to believe there's something fine and noble about every human being. And if we haven't found what's fine and noble about Roy yet, it means that we haven't looked deeply enough.

Carla: Oh, Sam, when you were in the back, one of your women called. And she said to tell you that you're a lying piece of garbage and she never wants to see you again.
Sam: Did she leave her name?
Carla: No, but, uh, she did tell me to add one more thing.
Sam: What's that? [Carla spits on Sam's shoe] Oh, yeah, that's Patty.