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‘Truce or Consequences’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Truce or Consequences

108. Truce or Consequences

Aired November 18, 1982

After Sam encourages Carla and Diane to stop their endless bickering, the pair get drunk together and Carla reveals a big secret.

Quote from Coach

Diane: How dare he chastise her? She can barely scrape out a living. How much suffering does the poor woman have to do? She's raising four children, not to mention that one of them is Sam's...
Coach: One of Carla's kids is Sam's kid?
Diane: No. No, I didn't say that.
Coach: Wait a minute. Let me figure this out, now. Uh... Sam knows Carla five years, right? And Carla's youngest kid, Gino, is seven and a half. That's it. It works out.
Diane: Wait a minute. Gino is seven and a half years old?
Coach: Yeah.
Diane: And Sam and Carla have only known each other five years?
Coach: Right, but who would ever figure that Gino was Sam's kid?
Diane: She lied. She deliberately lied.
Coach: You mean that Gino's not Sam's kid?
Diane: No.
Coach: Holy mackerel! This is gonna break Sam's heart when he hears this.

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Quote from Coach

Diane: I reached out to her. That weasel. Coach, what do you do when you are so furious you have to do something?
Coach: Well, I know you'll think it's kind of crazy, but I bang my head on the bar.
Diane: Doesn't sound crazy to me. It might do me a lot of good right now.
Coach: Well, OK. [bangs his head on the bar]
Diane: No, don't. Stop that, please.
Coach: You feel better?
Diane: Yes. Thank you. How about you?
Coach: Oh, I feel fine. I mean, to me, it's kind of a picker-upper.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hello. My name is Carla. I'll be your slave for the evening.

Quote from Coach

Coach: All right, locking it up. Who needs a ride home? Come on, who needs a ride home?
Man: I guess we're all sober enough to drive ourselves tonight.
Cliff: Yeah, looks like you get to go straight home for a change, there, Coach.
Coach: I've never driven straight home. I wouldn't know how to do it.
Norm: OK, Coach. You can take me.
Cliff: Ah, what a prince.
Coach: Thanks, Norm, I owe you one.
Norm: Any time.
Cliff: Goodnight, Norm.
Norm: You can drop me off at Kenmore Square. I can catch a cab from there to take me back here to my car.

Quote from Carla

Carla: What the hell do you think you're doing?
Diane: Just having a little late-night fun.
Carla: Listen, pencil neck, you're starting to get on my nerves.
Diane: Please don't call me pencil neck. I am not a pencil neck.
Carla: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to call you pencil neck, gozzlehead.
Diane: Name calling. The last refuge of the monosyllabic.
Carla: I don't know what that means but I heard slob in there.

Quote from Carla

Carla: You know... Thank you. You know, there are moments when I wanna spill my guts, know what I mean?
Diane: Yes.
Carla: I've got things, one thing in particular, that I've been carrying around inside of me for a long time.
Diane: Tell me.
Carla: I barely know you.
Diane: Well, Carla, you brought it up. You obviously want to get it out.
Carla: Maybe I do, but...
Diane: Carla, I swear, I'll keep my mouth shut. I swear.
Carla: About five years ago, Sam threw a party here. The big guy was still on the sauce so every night was an excuse for a big bash. Anyway, this one time he was too tanked to drive home. So I took him. I helped him upstairs... to his bedroom. Well, one thing led to another. Nine months later, Gino was born.
Diane: Gino?
Carla: Sam's son.
Diane: [drinks straight from the pitcher] Carla, I don't believe this.
Carla: Me neither, you're gonna die.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Hi. Sorry I'm back, I forgot my bubblegum. I know that sounds crazy... Oh, my God, Carla, you killed her.
Carla: Don't get your hopes up, Sam. I just mixed her a drink.
Sam: Oh, Carla, you made her an Open Grave.
Carla: Yeah. And she leaped right in.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm.
Coach: How's it going, Norm?
Norm: Daddy's rich, Mamma's good-lookin'!

Quote from Diane

Diane: Telling me that story was reprehensible.
Carla: Oh, lighten up. You wanna be my friend? You wanna get along? Let your hair down.
Diane: How about I take your hair and scour the sink with it? [Cliff runs away]
Carla: Is that a Brillo shot?
Diane: Only if it offends you.
Carla: You sound like a lady who is getting tired of her teeth.
Diane: I'm tired of your teeth and all the vermicelli in between. [Sam holds Carla back as she lunges at Diane]

Quote from Sam

Diane: Sam, could I ask a little off-the-cuff question?
Sam: Sure.
Diane: Who took me home last night? You or Carla?
Sam: You don't remember?
Diane: No.
Sam: We both did.
Diane: Who put my pajamas on?
Sam: Carla did.
Diane: You'd already left by that time, right?
Sam: No, no, I was still there.
Diane: You mean watching?
Sam: No. I was in the other room, minding my own business. On my good behavior. Trying on your lingerie.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Check the locks twice, OK?
Diane: Aye, aye, captain.
Sam: And make sure the lights over the bar are out.
Diane: Lights over the bar. Right. Goodnight.
Sam: Maybe check the thermostat.
Diane: We'll do that, yes. Thank you, goodnight and goodbye. [closes the door]
[As Sam walks up the stairs outside Cheers, he taps on the window]
Sam: I have no life insurance. Just this place.
Diane: Goodnight.

Quote from Diane

Diane: OK, let's sit down, relax and open the lines of communication.
Carla: I want a drink.
Diane: Wonderful. Let's have a bottle of wine. I think we've got your favorite. Chateau Guam.

Quote from Carla

Diane: Well, Carla, thank you. I'm honored. You're really getting into the spirit of this thing. Uh, what's the drink?
Carla: A family recipe. We call it Leap Into An Open Grave.
Diane: You're kidding. [laughs]
Carla: My Uncle Joe stumbled across it when he was making a car bomb.
Diane: [laughs] You're kidding, right? Carla?
Carla: [runs the blender] One for good luck. [gets two large glasses]
Diane: Oh, Nice touch.
Carla: Now, keep the glasses moving so the fumes don't burn a hole in the ceiling.
Diane: [drinks] Delicious. And it goes right to your head.
Carla: No one in my family lives past 43.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Sam. Sam did this? He's a beast.
Carla: No. Sam's been really good about it. I mean, he's always helped out with the kid. I've never blamed him for anything. I mean, it's as much my fault as his.
Diane: But you bore the child, you're raising the child. You plucky little soldier, you.
Carla: Diane, um... Sam and I are the only ones that know, understand?
Diane: Oh, Carla, I... I just wanna hug you right now.
Carla: I feel kinda close to you, too.
Diane: [sings] People... People who need people...
Carla: Good God.
Diane: Carla, my gumba. [passes out in Carla's arms]
Carla: I like somebody who knows when she's had enough.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Well, I've got to get home to the little lady. Tonight's my tenth wedding anniversary.
All: Congratulations.
Sam: Big plans, huh?
Norm: The biggest. We're going out for a pizza. Yeah, it gets me back here about ten o'clock.

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