Carla: Norman, are you sure you want to have a kid? You know, once the monster comes along, your whole life is gonna be different.
Norm: Yeah? Well, Coach, you've had kids. Does a baby change you?
Coach: Are you kidding, Normie? It can't even change itself.
Norm: Well, I'll have to remember that.

Coach: Oh, hi, sweetheart. Are you ready for the best dinner of your life?
Irene: Ernie, every dinner I have with you is better than the one before it. [all aww]
Coach: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is Wednesday. Every Wednesday up at Melville's the vegetable is spinach. Spinach is green and you know what that means, right? So please sit down. I've got a couple of questions. What I want to say is... Oh, wait a minute I got it. Uh, Irene... l'm not a rich man. I'm not a young man. I'm not a handsome man. I'm not a tall man. I'm not a strong man. I'm not a talented man. I'm not a well-traveled man. I'm not a smart man. I'm not a milkman. I'm not a fat man. I'm not a gingerbread man. I'm...
Irene: What are you trying to say?
Coach: Oh, I don't need a piece of paper to tell you what my feelings are. Irene... Well, maybe I do. I'm not a rich man. I'm not a young...
All: Coach! [Sam points to his heart]
Coach: Oh, yes, Sam. Look, Irene, what I'm trying to say is, I love you and I want you to marry me, but I can't find the words to say it.
Irene: Ernie, you've said all the words you need to. I'd love to be your wife.
Coach: She said yes!

Coach: Norm, do you want to hear a crazy, hopeless dream? I wanted to play baseball and maybe coach a little, you know. And then afterwards tend a bar in a nice place. And look what happened to me.
Sam: Coach, that's exactly what happened to you.
Coach: Oh, yeah. No wonder I'm such a happy guy.
Sam: Good try, Coach, good try.

Coach: OK, folks. Just to help you pass time away while you're waiting for your table upstairs, I'm going to show you a little trick that never fails to leave people with their mouths wide open. I'm going to guess your age by asking you three simple questions. OK?
Man: Sounds like fun.
Coach: Good. OK, first question. What year were you born?
Man: You gotta be kidding.
Coach: Please, bare with me, will you?
Man: 1949.
Coach: 1949. OK, second question. Uh, How much do you weigh?
Man: About 185 pounds.
Coach: 185 pounds. OK, third and last question. What do you do for a living?
Man: I'm a carpet salesman.
Coach: Carpet salesman. OK, I should have an answer for you right after dinner.
Man: After dinner?
Coach: Yeah, I didn't realize I had to carry a number.

Norm: Oh, it's nothing to be ashamed of, Sam. A lot of famous people never graduated high school.
Sam: Yeah, right. Name three, Norm.
Norm: According to "The Book Of Lists", Thomas Edison, Noel Coward, Cher... never graduated.
Coach: Cher?!
Norm: Absolutely. Never finished, Coach.
Coach: Whoa, I feel a lot better now.
Norm: Why? You never finished either?
Coach: No, I was missing a couple of those what-d'-you-ma-call-its?
Diane: Units?
Coach: No, years, Diane.

Diane: How dare he chastise her? She can barely scrape out a living. How much suffering does the poor woman have to do? She's raising four children, not to mention that one of them is Sam's...
Coach: One of Carla's kids is Sam's kid?
Diane: No. No, I didn't say that.
Coach: Wait a minute. Let me figure this out, now. Uh... Sam knows Carla five years, right? And Carla's youngest kid, Gino, is seven and a half. That's it. It works out.
Diane: Wait a minute. Gino is seven and a half years old?
Coach: Yeah.
Diane: And Sam and Carla have only known each other five years?
Coach: Right, but who would ever figure that Gino was Sam's kid?
Diane: She lied. She deliberately lied.
Coach: You mean that Gino's not Sam's kid?
Diane: No.
Coach: Holy mackerel! This is gonna break Sam's heart when he hears this.

Coach: [answers phone] Cheers. Yeah, just a sec. Is there an Ernie Pantusso here?
Sam: That's you, Coach.
Coach: Speaking.

Sam: I don't know. Maybe me and Diane being together just doesn't make any sense.
Coach: Uh, love, Sam. Who can explain it? Fools have tried.
Sam: Yeah, you're right, Coach.
Coach: I've got this theory...

Coach: Boy, I feel terrific.
Carla: Been exercising, Coach?
Coach: Yeah, I just came back from doing some laps in the pool.
Carla: How many are you up to?
Coach: Three. Takes about an hour.
Cliff: Coach, that's kind of slow, isn't it?
Coach: Well, I could run a hell of a lot faster if they got the water out of there.
Cliff: Well, you know what they say, Coach. Healthy body, healthy mind. Pick one you've got a good shot at.

Leo: Last semester, my son comes home from college with his new fiance, who's black.
Coach: I've been thinking about that, and It's a tough one, but I think I've got it.
Leo: Well, but wait a minute cos there's more.
Coach: No, Leo. Hold it, Leo. Leo, it's a problem of communication. Here's what you do, when you get home, you sit the kids down and say to your boy- What's your boy's name?
Leo: Ron.
Coach: Uh, Ron. What's Ron's fiance's name?
Leo: Rick.
Coach: Rick. So, you say... You say, "Rick, Ron..." Rick and Ron?
Norm: Suck it up, Coachie. Hang tough in there.
Coach: Leo... Leo, if you're that unhappy about it, just throw him out and tell him you never want to see him again.
Leo: I can't do that. I love the kid.
Coach: Oh.
Leo: Oh, I see what you're saying.
Coach: You do? What?
Leo: If I can't accept the kid the way he is, I'll lose him.
Coach: Boy, that's good.
Leo: When you put it that way, what choice do I have? Thanks, Coach. You know, you're not Gus, but you're not bad.
Coach: Leo, even Gus isn't Gus any more.