Diane: Well, what I can't fathom is how one can drink cold beer in freezing weather.
Norm: Cliff? Explanation please.
Diane: Now, how do you know he has one?
Norm: Five bucks says he does, ten says it's a doozy.
Cliff: When the British ruled Punjab...
Norm: Ten bucks all the way.
Cliff: ...they drank steaming hot tea on the hottest days of the year to balance out their inside and outside temperatures. See, conversely, drinking an ice-cold drink on a cold day actually results in a more comfortable body temperature.
Diane: All right. Why do you drink ice-cold beer on a hot day?
Norm: Mr. Clavin?
Cliff: What else are you gonna do with it?

Coach: Sit down, I'll show you the place. Have a seat. Now, let's see. This is the bar. Those are the bottles. These are the glasses. That's a stool. Any questions?
Nina: Well, you know, I've always wondered what gas you use to pressurize those beer kegs.
Coach: Probably unleaded.

Sam: Oh, I don't know what I'm doing back there. Does anyone know anything about plumbing?
Cliff: Well, the Romans had an elaborate system of aqueducts. They were sort of the forerunners of...
Sam: Cliff. Cliff. I need somebody to help me fix the plumbing.
Cliff: Oh, hey, sorry, Sammy. Strictly theory.

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Diane: Norman.
Sam: What's up, Norm?
Norm: My nipples. It's freezing.
[Sam slides a beer down the bar, which Norm catches as he takes off his coat and sits down on his stool]

Coach: The damnedest thing. I've been shivering all the way over here.
Diane: Coach, you have don't have a coat on, it's 30 degrees outside.
Coach: Oh, thank God, I thought I had malaria.
Diane: Are you all right?
Coach: Well, Diane, I don't know where my mind is today. [clicks fingers] I just remembered, I left it at Nina's apartment.
Diane: Your mind?
Coach: No, my coat.

Cliff: So, how was your Sunday, Norm? You catch the Celtics-75ers game?
Norm: Oh, yes, and the Bruins-Flyers, the Ramos-Ramos fight. Yesterday, Australian rules football. Tomorrow, we got Boston College play Iona. Put that money down, pal.
Cliff: Eh, I'll be ready.
Diane: Doesn't your wife ever complain that you never spend any time with her?
Norm: Would you?

Carla: Nina, your super called. Your heat's back on.
Nina: Oh, thanks, Carla.
Sam: Listen, Nina. Nina, Nina. Uh, I sense that we've had some trouble hitting it off tonight but I think I know why. Put aside for now my technique, my style, my smooth manner. Put aside my hair, my teeth, my physique. Put all that aside and what have you got? Nothing. You know, I don't even feel like being with a woman tonight. Goodnight, Nina.
Nina: Goodnight, Sam.
Sam: [to Cliff and Norm] Uh... It turns out we were cousins.

Sam: After our moonlight drive up to the Cape, we'll check into separate rooms, one for us, one for our toothbrushes.
Nina: I wish you could bottle that charm.
Sam: Is that right?
Nina: Yeah. Then I could put a cork in it.

Sam: [on the phone] Sure, Sister, that'll be fine. You're welcome. [hangs up]
Cliff: Hey, Sammy, I didn't know you had a sister.
Sam: Oh, no. That's Sister Theresa from St. Matthias School for Girls. She's sending a student over with a playbill.
Carla: Hey, you know that St. Matthias is a good school. I've had two kids thrown out of there.

Sam: I'll be in the back with my pipes.
Diane: Wait. I've got an order.
Sam: Carla's got the bar. Right, Carla?
Carla: That's right, go ahead! [rings bell] OK, everybody! Carla's got the bar. You can have anything you want, as long as it doesn't have ice, straws, cherries, olives, mixer, umbrellas, fruits or flames. An order.
Diane: I need an old-fashioned, a brandy Alexander and a martini.
Carla: Three beers coming up.