Mary: Well, you just don't understand. I've worked hard to be taken seriously. There was a time when I had a reputation.
Dick: For excellence?
Mary: Well, yes, but in a very specific category. When I was a young professor on the fast track, there were things that I did.
Dick: Well, what were you doing?
Mary: The Dean.
Dick: Is that like the Watusi?
Mary: Sometimes. There was this very prestigious job opening.
Dick: Did you get it?
Mary: No, I didn't get the job, but I did get a nickname. Dr. Mary Slutbunny.

Dick: Oh, Mary, I'm so sorry about everything.
Mary: What?
Dick: Oh. The tension, the fighting, the lumpy gravy.
Mary: Yeah.
Dick: You give and you give and you give until you just can't give anymore.
Mary: Mmm. Same thing happens at my house.
Dick: This happens at your house?
Mary: Why should my house be any different than 99% of all the homes in America?
Dick: What about the other one percent?
Mary: Connecticut.

Judith: First, we will hear from Dr. Mary Albright who will speak on behalf of Dr. Solomon.
Strudwick: Dr. Albright, how would you describe Dr. Solomon?
Mary: Well, it's kind of hard. I mean, have you ever had a piece of really stinky cheese?
Judith: I enjoy a stinky cheese. Continue.
Mary: The thing is, it has these wonderfully rich flavors that you can't get to without the stinkiness.

Painter: I got a work order to paint the door.
Dick: Oh! Oh, yes. Right. Yeah, right here. Right over this name. And bigger! And bolder! So when one approaches the door, a mere glance will establish just who's who in this office. [laughs] [exits]
Mary: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No. Oh, he'd be very upset. This says "Dick Solomon." He gets that a lot. It's Dick S-a-l-m-o-n. Salmon. You know, like the big, pink, stinky fish.

Mary: Well, when I was a kid, I wanted to be a singer. You know, a torch singer, like Peggy Lee or Ella Fitzgerald. I even had a stage name picked out. Marlena Albrecht.
Dick: Marlena.
Mary: A smoky room a martini in my hand spotlight, just me, center stage.
Dick: With a hep cat backing you up on a standup bass. [mimicking bass]
Mary: I'd wear gloves. Long, black gloves.
Dick: I'd have an opium problem.
Mary: Slap that bass!
Nina: You are some messed-up White people.

Mary: I'll tell you one thing.
Dick: What?
Mary: I made you earn it. That's Mary Albright! I don't just give it away. Anymore.

Mary: Line 'em up, Harry. Five martinis.
Nina: No, Harry. Dr. Albright, we should take you home now.
Mary: No, Nina. I have brain cells that will remember this evening, and I want them destroyed!
Sally: Hey, Dr. Albright, how did your talk go?
Mary: How did my talk go? Let's see. First of all, the Bolivians were highly amused when I confused the name of their president with the word for kayak. But they stopped laughing when, in their native tongue, I welcomed them to my "womany" place and told them I told them there was room for everyone!
Judith: Tell her how you told them that their country was... "a shining example of goat death".

Mary: Okay, now just follow along and see if I have it.
Judith: Can do.
Mary: [tony British accent] Hello. I'm Dr. Mary Albright. I'm proud to be a member-
Judith: Okay. What's with the accent?
Mary: [normal voice] What accent? This is my formal speaking voice. Always has been.
Judith: Never mind.

Dick: May 20, 1996, 7:00 p.m., we arrive together at the restaurant, and what happens?
Mary: We sit down. I order teriyaki shrimp, you order water. Dinner is lovely. We make out. I take you home and make the biggest mistake of my life!
Dick: What?
Mary: Falling for you!
Dick: Oh!
Mary: Since that day, I have gotten very good at forgiving. You embarrass me in front of my colleagues, I forgive you. You kill my fish, I forgive you! You paint flames on my car, I forgive you. You mock my work, you insult my parents, you destroy our engagement, and still I forgive you.
Dick: You forgave me for all that?
Mary: Why do you think I'm here?!
Dick: Because you're crazy in love with me?
Mary: Well, I'm crazy.
Dick: In love with me? Oh, Mary. I forgive you.

Dick: Mary, you're here!
Mary: Yes, I'm here. Just long enough to tell you what an ass you are. There. I think I'm done.
Dick: No, no, Mary. Wait. I've been doing a lot of thinking.
Mary: Yeah, I've been doing a lot of thinking, too. About what an ass you are! I work late a couple of nights, and you seize the opportunity to chase the first skirt that comes along.
Dick: Oh, no. But, Mary, I've been thinking-
Mary: Oh, don't talk to me again. Ever, ever, never ever.
Dick: That's not a very good rhyme.
Mary: Ass!