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‘Portrait of Tommy as an Old Man’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

3rd Rock from the Sun: Portrait of Tommy as an Old Man

318. Portrait of Tommy as an Old Man

Aired February 25, 1998

Tommy is fed up of living like a teenager so he quits the mission and spends his days at a retirement home. Meanwhile, Dick encourages Mary to show off her singing talent, and Don accidentally takes a pair of Sally's underwear.

Quote from Harry

Sally: I cannot believe this! I've never heard of anybody retiring in the middle of a mission before! Can he do this?!
Harry: It happens. But it's rare. Sometimes it's unavoidable. But it happens. But it's rare.

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Quote from Mary

Mary: Well, when I was a kid, I wanted to be a singer. You know, a torch singer, like Peggy Lee or Ella Fitzgerald. I even had a stage name picked out. Marlena Albrecht.
Dick: Marlena.
Mary: A smoky room a martini in my hand spotlight, just me, center stage.
Dick: With a hep cat backing you up on a standup bass. [mimicking bass]
Mary: I'd wear gloves. Long, black gloves.
Dick: I'd have an opium problem.
Mary: Slap that bass!
Nina: You are some messed-up White people.

Quote from Tommy

Tommy: All right. That's it. I can't take it anymore. I want back.
Dick: Well, I thought you liked Eagle Vista.
Tommy: No. You know what? They keep the TV too loud, it's too hot, everybody's on drugs. It's just like a rave but without the babes.
Sally: But you seemed to be having so much fun.
Tommy: Oh, I was atrophying. It made me feel like an old man.
Dick: But that's what you are.
Tommy: Yeah, but that's not how I feel. At least I didn't until I retired. This is what retirement does to you. It makes you old.

Quote from Harry

Tommy: Dick, I need my job back.
Sally: Can he do that?!
Harry: It happens, but it's rare. But it happens. But it's rare.
Dick: Welcome back, Tommy. Resume your duties.
Tommy: Oh, cool!
Harry: Wait a second! But I got all this information! The zip code for Waukesha, Wisconsin: 53186. Gestation period for a wombat fetus: 30 days.
Sally: Shut up, Harry.
Dick: Seriously.
Harry: In 1548, Sigismund I of Poland dies, succeeded by...

Quote from Sally

Don: I got your message.
Sally: I saw you being interviewed on the news today. The camera loves you.
Don: Yeah, well, I've been working on a big case, Sally. A case involving murder.
Sally: Murder, Don?
Don: That's right, Sally. Murder with a capital "M."
Sally: Unless it's in the middle of a sentence. Then it's a small "M."
Don: Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Quote from Mary

Mary: I don't know why I even bother to lecture. Most of my students just copy their term papers out of the encyclopedia, anyway.
Dick: I'm sure that's not true.
Mary: This one's photocopied! I swear, sometimes this job just sucks the life out of me.
Dick: Do you ever wonder if maybe you made a wrong choice in life? You know, with your job?
Mary: No! No. I always wanted to teach half-baked morons at a second-rate university.
Dick: And here you are.
Mary: Here I am.

Quote from Dick

Nina: What's the matter, Dr. Albright?
Mary: I have the most immature class! We're studying Miocene man, and I'm discussing the migration of homo Erectus... [Dick giggles] Every time I say homo Erectus [Dick laughs] They laugh! As if there were something funny about homo Erectus! [Dick laughs loudly] What are you laughing at?!
Dick: Homo Erectus isn't a Miocene man! He's Pleistocene man! [laughs]

Quote from Dick

Dick: Mary is trudging through life under the weight of an unfulfilled dream, and we're gonna make that dream come true for her.
Harry: Mmm, this sounds like it's gonna be hard.
Dick: Very hard. Tommy could do it with his eyes shut.
[Dick looks at Harry's squinting face]
Dick: Okay, take this down.

Quote from Tommy

Dick: Oh, Tommy, good. I have an assignment for you.
Tommy: What?
Dick: Some students were handing out this leaflet on the campus. It's for a secret underground party called a rave. I think you should investigate it.
Tommy: No, Dick. These things are loud and hot. Everybody's on something. It's not for me.
Harry: Oh, you sound like an old man.
Tommy: I am an old man.
Harry: Oh, yeah.

Quote from Tommy

Tommy: You guys forget that, huh. I'm older than you are. I'm sick and tired of acting like a kid.
Dick: Well, it's no cakewalk being the dashing patriarch, but I deal with it.
Tommy: At my age, I shouldn't have to deal with anything. I should have no worries. I should be carefree.
Dick: Oh, I know what this is all about. You want a Nintendo.
Tommy: No! I want to relax! You know what? I'm through.
Dick: What are you saying?
Tommy: I'm retiring from the mission. Effective immediately.
Dick: [sputtering]
Harry: Old guys say the darnedest things.

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