Judith: Dr. Solomon, do you have anything to say in your defense?
Dick: I have plenty to say.
Professor Suter: I should have brought a book.
Dick: I stand here accused of insensitivity. Oh, sure, I've tried to change my ways. I've cried. I've hugged. I've been hugged. And you know what I've discovered? I'm an offensive person. But in a tolerant society, is there no place for my kind? Why must everyone like me? Why can't we all just not get along? Conflict is necessary. Throughout history, human beings have persecuted the great agitators. Socrates, Galileo, and now Dick Solomon. Where would you be without us to provoke and enlighten you? To attach the electrodes of knowledge to the nipples of ignorance? Throughout history, all over the world, people have rightfully looked to Pendelton State for virtually nothing. But maybe one day they'll be able to say that an unpopular battle was won there for an ugly little thing called the truth.
Judith: Thank you.
Dick: And when they make a movie of this - and they will - I don't want to be played by Woody Harrelson.

Judith: We will now deliberate and return with a guilty verdict.

Dick: Come on, come on. Anyone.
Caryn: Y to the fourth power?
Dick: No.
Bug: Eleven?
Dick: No.
Pitman: Velocity squared?
Dick: No.
Leon: That guy from Jeopardy?
Dick: No, no, no!
Caryn: Dr. Solomon, can't you just tell us the answer? We've been guessing for 45 minutes now.
Dick: You've been guessing?! All right, people, due to your staggering ineptitude with the most basic concepts of quantum superpositions, I am issuing the following assignment: you will write a five-page letter to your parents apologizing for wasting their money. I want them on my desk tomorrow morning for my approval and a blistering P.S. And bring a stamp, damn it. I'm not a post office.

Dick: Family meeting! Family meeting!
Sally & Tommy: What?
Dick: I've just heard the most upsetting thing. Someone has accused me of insensitivity. [shouts at Vicki] You're not family! Get out! [normal voice] What is it with this planet's preoccupation with sensitivity? You should be able to have an open dialogue with anyone, like we do. We can say anything to each other and not take offense. For example, Tommy wouldn't object if I mentioned that he was a greasy little disappointment.
Tommy: What's to argue? I mean, Sally couldn't dispute that she's a sadistic bimbo.
Sally: You got me. And, Dick, you're a rubber-faced bag of wind.
Dick: Well said! And Harry, you're an idiot.
Harry: Thank you, sir. May I have another?

Judith: First, we will hear from Dr. Mary Albright who will speak on behalf of Dr. Solomon.
Strudwick: Dr. Albright, how would you describe Dr. Solomon?
Mary: Well, it's kind of hard. I mean, have you ever had a piece of really stinky cheese?
Judith: I enjoy a stinky cheese. Continue.
Mary: The thing is, it has these wonderfully rich flavors that you can't get to without the stinkiness.

Judith: After reviewing all the testimony, the disciplinary committee unanimously votes to admonish Dr. Solomon.
Dick: What does that mean?
Judith: You're officially admonished.
Dick: Does that come with a pay cut?
Judith: No. However, if there's another violation, you will be censured.
Dick: Does that come with a pay cut?
Judith: No, but should that fail to stop you, you will be sanctioned, which means a 30-day suspension.
Dick: With pay?
Judith: Yes, with pay.
Dick: That sounds good. Could I be sanctioned right now?
Judith: No. We're adjourned.

Dick: I don't need sensitivity training, you strident, power-mad tart!

Tommy: You log 40 billion light-years without a single moving violation, they make you take a road test anyway. Welcome to Earth, folks.
Sally: Tommy, you don't need that book. Just use your common sense. Green means go. Yellow means slow down. Red means stop and check your make-up.

Mrs. Dubcek: This reminds me of your prom night. Only this time your date isn't married.

Dick: Judith.
Judith: As head of the disciplinary committee, it is my sad duty to inform you that one of your students has registered a complaint against you.
Dick: There must be some mistake.
Judith: Is it true that you forced them to write humiliating letters to their parents?
Dick: Well, yes, but that can't be it.
Judith: I'm afraid it is, and according to university rules of conduct, you must attend sensitivity training. My office will contact you. Oh, and Dick, I wouldn't leave town.