Dick: Let me get right to it. Last night, I couldn't sleep knowing that I had taken from you a painting that is near and dear to your heart. That's why I'm willing to let you have it-
Strudwick: I don't want it.
Dick: You didn't let me finish. That's why I'm willing to let you have it for, say, $900.
Strudwick: Forget it. I never wanted that piece of crap, anyway.
Dick: Oh, really? Then why did you bid on it like a young lion in springtime?
Strudwick: To drive up the price and piss you off.
Dick: Well, it didn't work!

Mary: Oh, before we auction off our next item, let's all give a huge round of applause to the man who is responsible for this charity, Father Matthew of the Rutherford Boys' Home. Father Matthew!
Dick: Nobody ever claps like that for me.
Strudwick: Maybe if you opened your wallet, you cheap bastard.

Auctioneer: 7's good. Now, do I hear 8? Anyone?
Strudwick: $800.
Dick: Strudwick!
Auctioneer: You're not gonna let him walk away with this little beauty for 8, are you?
Dick: I should say not. $900. Top that, Strudwick.
Strudwick: $1,000.
Dick: Oh, that is more.
Strudwick: You're out of your league, Solomon.
Dick: Am I? $1,100.
Strudwick: 12.
Dick: $1201.
Strudwick: 13.
Dick: 14.
Strudwick: 15.
Dick: 16. [whooping] $17.
Auctioneer: $1,700. You're not gonna let him have it for $1,700, are you?
Strudwick: Yes.

Strudwick: There's so much food here, it's like a white hole. And the black hole is at the A&P.

Strudwick: What bothers you most about Dr. Solomon's teaching methods?
Bug: He's always saying I'm wrong.
Strudwick: And how often are you wrong?
Bug: Always.

Pitman: One day he told me if I liked long hair so much, maybe I should join the circus.
Strudwick: Were you hurt by that?
Pitman: No. More confused.

Strudwick: Oh, good. Dean Albright, Dick was just telling us this idea-
Mary: Oh, he told you about the fashion show.
Judith: He told us all about it.
Mary: Isn't it great?
Strudwick: Fabulous!
Judith: Count me in!
Strudwick: Just great!
Dick: Hot Winter Nights.
Strudwick: Where did you come up with the idea?
Dick: Right here.

Strudwick: Solomon, what are you doing?
Dick: Vincent, Judith. Oh, gosh, I hope you didn't hear what I just said. I'm trying not to give you two a hot stock tip.
Tommy: Yeah, so are you interested, or aren't you?
Judith: Oh, please. If I haven't seen a detailed description of a company's financials, I don't want to own it.
Dick: I'm not asking you to own it, you thick-head. I just need you to buy some stock.
Strudwick: That's what happens when you buy stock, you thick-head. You own a piece of the company.
Dick: You're kidding.
Strudwick: Duh!

Strudwick: You've got to get a laser pointer, Mary. Look, it's on the globe. You can refer to things on the board without ever leaving your desk.
Mary: I bet you could drive cats crazy, too.
Strudwick: I wouldn't know. But squirrels hate the crap out of 'em! [both laugh]

Dick: Being in-laws was bad enough. But my blood intermingling with yours in the veins of this spawn? It's unholy.
Strudwick: Go faster, Dick. I only want to jump out of this car once.
Dick: Oh, no. No sweet embrace of death for you, Vincent. Like it or not, we're gonna be grandparents together.
Strudwick: Well, if that's the case, I wanna be called "Pop-pop".
Dick: I wanted "Pop-pop."
Strudwick: You snooze, you lose, Dick. "Pop-pop." That's me.
Dick: That's not fair.
Strudwick: Take "Gramps" or "Gee-Gaw."
Dick: "Gee-Gaw?" [stammering] You just made that up!