Sally: Dick, it's the end of the world!
Dick: Wait, wait. What's going on?
Sally: There's a terrible crisis. We were at the store, and the place was a madhouse. People were cramming everything they could into their carts, especially these giant balls of butter. I got one for each of us.
Tommy: I'm telling you, something is up. The radio said the airports were jammed with people trying to get out of town.
Dick: As a matter of fact, I just saw a report on a turkey ranch, and those birds were talking apocalypse.
Sally: Apocalypse?
Dick: Well, more like "apocalopolis."
Sally: What does this all mean?
Harry: Well, I have a thought-- we're all gonna die!
Dick: All right, let's not panic. Tonight we'll turn off the lights and hunker down in the kitchen. Tomorrow morning I'll make a run to the university and find out what's going on. Police and secure the perimeter!
All: What?
Dick: Lock the doors!

Sally: Oh, Dick! We gotta get out of here!
Tommy: It's gotten worse. They've stopped delivering the mail.
Dick: Of course they have.
Sally: Someone's taken over the airwaves. There's a terrifying parade on every channel!

Dick: Oh, Mary, I'm so sorry about everything.
Mary: What?
Dick: Oh. The tension, the fighting, the lumpy gravy.
Mary: Yeah.
Dick: You give and you give and you give until you just can't give anymore.
Mary: Mmm. Same thing happens at my house.
Dick: This happens at your house?
Mary: Why should my house be any different than 99% of all the homes in America?
Dick: What about the other one percent?
Mary: Connecticut.

Vicki Dubcek: Hey. Excuse me. I'd like to add a little something, if I may. Uh, I just feel that this year I have so much to be thankful for. That thing under my armpit went away. And when I was working at Wal-mart and that big stack of boxes fell on me, well, I got workman's comp for eight months, and that's... that's twice as much as my normal salary, so guess you'd have to say that God has been very, very good to me. [sobs]
Dick: Let's eat!

Sally: Listen, Dick, we better not let another one of these big holidays sneak up on us.
Dick: Oh, don't worry, Lieutenant, after this one, there couldn't possibly be another one for months.
Sally: You know, after cooking that huge dinner tonight, I think I deserve a break.
Dick: What do you plan to do?
Sally: I think tomorrow I'm gonna spend a nice, peaceful day at the mall.
Dick: Really? I hear there's a sale.
Sally: Really? Goody!

Dick: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Slow down there, speedboat. It's just Thanksgiving.
All: Thanks-what-ing?
Dick: Thanksgiving, it's a holiday.
Harry: Like Big Giant Head Day?
Dick: Similar, except nobody gets thrown into the sun.

Dick: Wow, this is the ugliest lingerie I've ever seen. But buckles.
Harry: Mmm.
Vicki Dubcek: Oh, that? No. That's just a costume I wore in a Thanksgiving play I did in junior high. I was a pilgrim, and every time I wore it, I put everybody in the Thanksgiving mood.

Mary: Dick, my grandmother had a saying. "Get out of the kitchen before I burn you with a hot spoon."
Dick: Your grandmother had a rapier wit.
Mary: Dick, get out of the kitchen!
Dick: And she was mean too.

Mary: Harry, you should see the beautiful turkey Sally has in the kitchen.
Harry: Oh, there's a turkey here?
Dick: Oh, it's enormous!
Harry: I want to see it! [screams] You murdered it! [screams]
Dick: Although we are very familiar with this tradition, it never ceases to appall us.
Harry: [screams]

Tommy: You know, I left because they don't appreciate me. And I do a lot for those guys. 6 ball, corner pocket. I mean, they just don't understand how difficult it is to be a kid. I mean, I do a lot at home, but you have to have a life outside work too, you know. 7 ball, side pocket. I mean, occasionally I screw up. I'm only trying to be human. But whatever I do, it's never enough for those people. 8 ball, 3 bounce, back pocket. You know what I mean? That's game.