Mary: What's going on? Dick is acting strangely.
Tommy: Listen, Dr. Albright. Dick, he's got a lot of baggage. It's an internal struggle.
[Dick and Evil Dick continue fighting in the living room]
Mary: Oh, that poor thing. I didn't know.
Tommy: No, you couldn't know, 'cause he's been afraid. See, he's been lonely for such a long time. And as the years went by, he fell into despair and lost all hope, for what woman could ever learn to love a beast?

Dick: Tommy, do you ever doodle?
Tommy: Why? Was I in the bathroom too long?
Dick: I-- I can't doodle.
Tommy: Well, Dick, you're kind of old.
Dick: Old? Picasso doodled on tablecloths late into his 60s.
Tommy: That's disgusting.
Dick: I know. I just can't draw.
Tommy: Oh, doodling! Oh.

Dick: Tommy, how are you coming along with our histories?
Tommy: Oh, I have them right here. Legal documents, school records, doctored pictures, the works. Dick Solomon, class nerd, held back by a domineering mother, went to work for NASA in '74, but was fired after a minor procurement scandal. Newspaper clippings are enclosed. Major burnout led to a string of second-rate teaching jobs... yada, yada, yada, ending up here.
Dick: Well, this is excellent.
Sally: What about me?
Tommy: Sally. Stockbroker during the greedy '80s. Made and lost several fortunes before psychological problems and gender confusion led to a sex change operation in 1988.
Harry: I'm next.
Tommy: Harry. Harry, you're adopted, but we haven't told you yet.
Harry: Oh, that's gonna hurt.

August: Okay. Um my family came to America in 1852 on a Dutch schooner. How about yours?
Tommy: Well, um, my great-grandfather, uh... escaped from the Nazis through the Alps with his family and their singing nanny.
August: Um, Tommy?
Tommy: Yeah?
August: That's The Sound of Music.
Tommy: Yeah, I know. And don't think that we're not suing!

Harry: Well, let's have a toast, shall we? To [voice quavers] new... Incoming message from the Big Giant Head. Your request has been approved. Your Lieutenant and High Commander will be restored to their previous Earth bodies immediately, and a small fee will appear on your next statement. Transmission ending in 3, 2, 1... [Harry, Dick and Sally sneeze]
Sally: Dick?
Dick: Sally?
Both: We're back!
Dick: Isn't that great, Tommy?
Sally: Oh, isn't that cool, Tommy?
Tommy: [squints] Tommy? I'm not Tommy.
Dick: Oh, my god!
Tommy: Ah, I'm just screwin' with you.

Tommy: Okay, mission statement.
Harry: Mission statement.
Tommy: What is our mission?
Harry: Well, you know, I always remember it by our mission song.
Tommy: Oh, right, right.
Harry: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [sings] Across the void we come a-warping... dum diddle dee lee ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh...
Tommy: [sings] Glorious and something something... dum diddle dee lee yadda yadda... spaceship!

Dick: All right, Tommy. We were lucky enough to land on earth in the middle of the biggest bull market in history, so it's time that we took advantage of it.
Tommy: And you expect to make enough money in the stock market to take Albright to Cancun.
Dick: Yeah. But if we'd found out about the stock market when we first landed here, we would own freakin' Cancun.
Tommy: Excuse me. I read all about it right after we landed.
Dick: Well, why didn't you say anything?
Tommy: Dick, I was thirteen-years-old, I wasn't obsessed with money. I was obsessed with boobs.
Dick: Well, why haven't you said anything since?
Tommy: Again, boobs.

Dick: You know, I had such a great time with Mary today. In the past, there's always been this human-alien barrier. But today, we were just two Americans.
Tommy: You're Canadian.
Dick: What?!
Tommy: Your passport here says you're Canadian.
Harry: Guilty.
Dick: No! How come I'm not American?
Tommy: Well, I thought it would look pretty suspicious if all four members of our family were from the same country.
Dick: I can't argue with that logic. What am I gonna do? How am I gonna tell Mary that's she's sleeping with the enemy?

Tommy: Well, at first I was conflicted. We come from very different backgrounds. I'm an alien, and she's a Presbyterian. I have a highly developed mind, and she's got that big, pouty mouth. I tell you, Dick, it was a tough decision.
Sally: What tipped the scales?
Tommy: She let me.
Dick: Well, what happened next?
Tommy: Well, I don't know what came over me, but they were so big and round and beautiful, I just had to touch them.
Dick: And then what?
Tommy: She screamed, "Ow, my eyes!" And that just... basically killed the mood.

Dick: Tommy, are you all right? Where have you been?
Tommy: The mall, Dick. I was at the mall. It may be the most emotionally satisfying place I've ever been.
Dick: Were you able to observe other life-forms?
Tommy: Definitely. Everybody there was as oily and disgusting as me. It was a food court of mutants, a catalog of horrors, a freak show, and I was their lizard king.
Dick: Oh. What do you do when you're there?
Tommy: Hang.
Dick: What do you see?
Tommy: Stuff. I belong now. Oh, yeah, stay out of my room! [laughs]