Dick: I don't want normal! I want ceaseless joy and never-ending passion like Romeo and Juliet!
Mary: They both wound up dead.
Dick: Antony and Cleopatra.
Mary: Dead.
Dick: That couple from Wuthering Heights.
Mary: Insane and dead.
Dick: F. Scott Fitzgerald and Zelda.
Mary: Drunk, insane and dead.
Dick: Tristan und Isolde.
Mary: Abgeschossen.
Dick: Ah-ha! Siegfried and Roy!
Mary: Okay, one.

Nina: What she means is you live on the wrong side of the tracks.
Mary: That's not what I'm saying... out loud.
Dick: What?
Mary: Well, it's just that I've tried so hard to get these people to accept me that I don't want to invite them to my boyfriend's attic with his unusual brother and angry Amazon sister in the heart of the meat packing district. No offense.
Dick: No, none taken.
Nina: Or understood.

Mary: I don't have time. It's not that easy to erase the past.
Dick: Well, why would you want to erase the past? Think back, Mary. Don't you remember the romance?
Mary: The fighting?
Dick: The laughter?
Mary: The screaming?
Dick: The endless nights of lovemaking?
Mary: The endless parade of humiliations, interspersed with random acts of insanity!

Mary: Why do we put up with 'em? Well, I know why you do, Don. I mean, how often does a super model fall into your lap? You won the lottery. No offense.
Don: No. None taken. [chuckles] But you've got to admit, you've got lucky, too.
Mary: Excuse me?
Don: Come on, admit it. You're a lonely schoolmarm in a one-horse town, when along comes a crazy cowpoke sniffin' around your petticoat.
Mary: Did Dick tell you about our Gunsmoke game?
Don: No.
Mary: We don't have one.

Sally: Look, Albright. Dr. Albright, you live by yourself. I could do that, right?
Mary: No comment.
Sally: So you think it's a good idea.
Mary: I refer you to my last response.
Dick: Mary, you can provide a preponderance of evidence that proves what a frightening responsibility living alone is.
Mary: Well, in order to do that, we would have to determine what the meaning of the word "is" is.
Sally: All right, look would you, in a million years, live in an attic with Dick, Tommy, and Harry?
Mary: Well, I really think that's a matter of-
Sally: Answer the question, please.
Mary: I would rather live in a box behind the 7-Eleven.

Mary: Remember that article I wrote last year, "Where's mommy?", dissecting the post-nuclear American family?
Dick: Oh, yes. About that tyrannical blowhard and his ridiculous relatives.
Mary: Uh-huh. Honey... that was about you.
Dick: You mean I'm Dirk Sullivan?
Mary: Yes. I've been observing your family for the past 4 years.
Dick: You've what?!
Mary: And the Fleischman foundation has given me a grant to make a documentary on the typical American family. Your family.
Dick: Finally, the recognition I deserve! We'll be glorified as the ideal American family.
Mary: Not ideal so much as typical.

Dick: So, Mary, what do you want for Valentine's Day this year?
Mary: Oh, I'm not expecting much.
Dick: Why not?
Mary: Well, the first year we dated, you claimed to have never heard of Valentine's Day. The second year you gave me a ham sandwich. That's why I'm not expecting much.

Mary: Sterling Lake is really special to me, Dick. I spent so many happy summers there with my family when I was young.
Dick: Wait a second. You had a youth, too?
Mary: Yes, Dick.
Dick: Well, what was it like, or can you still remember?
Mary: It was wonderful. We lived in log cabins we built ourselves. Oh! And when Mr. Lincoln came to town, we were all a-flutter. What do you think it was like, Dick?

Mary: Listen, you. That psychic didn't know anything. You have many, many years ahead of you, and I will be right by your side. And after that, I don't want anybody else.
Dick: Mary, you'd rather be alone?
Mary: After you, I'm done.
Dick: Of course you are. How could I expect you to ever settle for anyone else after being with someone like me? I've ruined you.
Mary: More than you'll ever know.

Mary: Stand back, Earth man, and prepare to be demolecularized in ways you've never imagined.
Dick: Mary?
Mary: I'm not Mary. I am Uma from the planet Thurman. Remove your earth pants. Any resistance will be futile, human.
Dick: Human. But I'm not human. I've been deceiving you. I'm an alien from a planet in the barred spiral galaxy on the Cepheus Draco border. I was sent here by our leader, the Big Giant Head, to explore this planet. Dick Solomon is just a facade, hiding a quivering purple tube. I am the High Commander, and this is my salute.
Mary: Oh, really? I have seen your planet. It is a savage place and must be conquered.
Dick: Oh, Mary.
[Dick and Mary groan as they hug and crush Mary's cone bra]