Dick: Morning, class, I'm sorry I'm so late. A funny thing happened today. I learned that there is a, uh... A small group of people that doesn't find physics absolutely exhilarating. Isn't that hilarious? [silence] [students let out a slight chuckle] Exactly. So I was wondering, what drove you to take it?
Bug: Well, uh, it's required.
Pitman: And we want to graduate.
Dick: So that's all that brings you back to my class, a requirement? Not one of you yearns for a career in physics? [Leon raises his hand] Not one soul longs to make physics his lifework? [Leon waves his hand] Not one among you aspires to place physics--
Leon: Dr. Solomon.
Dick: Leon, please, tell me you have to pee.

Sally: I found a mistake in your speech.
Mary: Oh. Okay. Let's hear it.
Sally: Okay. This is so great. Okay. Here on page 2, you say there aren't any Aymaran communities on the high plains, but Dirkson's survey says there are.
Mary: No, there aren't.
Sally: Yeah, but Dirkson says there are.
Mary: All right. Maybe there's one or two, but my point still stands.
Sally: No. Okay, but Dirkson says-
Mary: Forget Dirkson! Just go back there and concentrate on- on place names and spellings and things like that. Okay? [exits]
Sally: Man, who died and made her Dirkson?

Nina: Look, Sally, if you're gonna work for Dr. Albright, there are a couple of things you need to understand. One: she doesn't like to be corrected when she's wrong. And two: she's often wrong.
Sally: Wait, wait. So I shouldn't tell her her breath smells like a sock full of horseradish?
Nina: I didn't.

Dick: And what makes that policeman's gun so cool? Physics! Kinetic energy generates the velocity with which the bullet exits the barrel, while the ballistic coefficient and sectional density determine the damage to its targets. Guns don't kill people. Physics kills people!

Jonesy: But you got no proof. Besides, I couldn't jump that fence. It's physically impossible.
Dick: [enters] Physically impossible? That's where you're wrong. You may not have much respect for the law, Jonesy, but there's one law that you can't break: Coulomb's Third Law of Universal G
Jonesy: What?
Dick: It states that the force between two objects is proportional to the algebraic products of their respective charges, as well as proportional to the inverse square of the distance between them! But of course, you knew that, didn't you, Jonesy?
Jonesy: Not- Not all of it.
Dick: You're object X, and the fence is object Y. Now, where V is the velocity of the 2 objects, and R is the distance between them, and E is a unit vector directed from the first object to the second, we see that the fence proved little challenge.
Jonesy: Well... I guess.
Dick: You guess! I bet you guess. And so we see that X equals zero as Y approaches infinity! That's how you avoided the security camera. That's how you managed to get back over the fence. That's how they found you exactly 1.3 miles from the crime scene, proving that you and only you could have perpetrated this heinous crime! There's the proof!
Jonesy: Okay! Okay! Okay! You got me! I did it! I did it! My god! What kind of a cop are you?
Dick: I'm not a cop! I'm a physics professor!

Mary: Line 'em up, Harry. Five martinis.
Nina: No, Harry. Dr. Albright, we should take you home now.
Mary: No, Nina. I have brain cells that will remember this evening, and I want them destroyed!
Sally: Hey, Dr. Albright, how did your talk go?
Mary: How did my talk go? Let's see. First of all, the Bolivians were highly amused when I confused the name of their president with the word for kayak. But they stopped laughing when, in their native tongue, I welcomed them to my "womany" place and told them I told them there was room for everyone!
Judith: Tell her how you told them that their country was... "a shining example of goat death".

Dick: Oh, that's it! I want a new job. A job that comes with respect, stature, and free cheeseburgers. I want your job.
Don: Dick, you don't know the first thing about being a cop. It's a gritty job where a good day is one where you come home alive.
Tommy: Isn't that pretty much a good day for anyone?

Dick: [shouts after Sally] Well, that's just great! You never show any interest in physics!
Mary: Well, Dick, there's good reason for that. It's physics.
Dick: Like anthropology is so hot? I mean, sure, there's naked people, but... once you get past that, it's really just...
Mary: What?
Dick: I don't know. I can't get past the naked people.

Don: She thinks she is all that, but she is not all that.
Sally: Oh, no, girlfriend, do not go there. Do not go there! [all moan]
Dick: Oh, damn! She went there.
Don: Well, I better get back to the station.
Tommy: Time to go on duty?
Don: No, I'm on duty. It's time to punch out.

Dick: Career day? What career day? I've heard nothing of this.
Tommy: It's nothing, Dick. It's just a bunch of bores blabbing on about what they do. You wouldn't be interested.
Sally: Wait. Dick not interested in talking about himself?
Dick: I know! That's insane. Oh, don't be silly, Tommy. Once your classmates hear me speak, you'll be the toast of the school.
Sally: Wait. Are you kidding, Dick? You're a physics professor. I mean, that's almost as dorky as...
Tommy: I got nothing.
Harry: I'm stumped.