Mary: For future reference, I have a red Volvo.
Dick: [gasps] Please, Dr. Albright! We barely know each other.

Strudwick: You know, it's funny. I used to bring these creamers home to Alissa. She'd have little tea parties with her stuffed animals. They grow up quick, don't they?
Dick: Yeah. I can remember when Tommy didn't even know how to wipe his own butt. Then he figured it out all on his own. And taught me.

Dick: I'm done. How do I look?
[Dick removes the hair cap to revealed his freshly-dyed jet black hair]
Sally: Um, Dick, um... Okay, if somebody were helping you with an experiment and things went awry and you became horribly disfigured, you wouldn't hold it against them, now would you?
Dick: Why? What happened?
Sally: Nothing. Destroy all the mirrors now!
Dick: No, no! I've got to see! [holds up a hand mirror] Oh, my God! I'm gorgeous!

Don: I mean, I've tried to rhyme, you know. There was a dog who sat on a log. His name was... Rog? That sort of thing. Hold on to her, Dick. She's one of a kind.
Dick: So you like the rhyming, eh? You like the rhyming?
Don: Yeah.
Dick: And what if the rhyming were never to stop? On, on, and on till your head doth pop. Oh, look! A book! A book on schnook! What kind of crook took my schnook nook book? Perchance, methinks, thee, hither, yon, thou. I'm think I'm gonna have a freakin' cow!
Don: You sure seem to hate her. Sounds really tough.
Dick: Hate's a strong word, Don, but not strong enough.

Dick: Oh, I can't get his face out of my mind!
Nina: Strudwick's?
Dick: No, Nina. Little Davey Tennant, the boy down the block. You see, ever since he was three years old, Davey's wanted more than anything to see a real professional baseball game. He wished the biggest wish his little heart could muster. But his dad was laid off and couldn't afford the tickets. Well... one day last week, little Davey was outside playing ball like he always does, and who should walk up the block, tall as a building, but home run king Mark McGwire. To see little Davey's eyes light up as McGwire handed him four seats on the first base line, well, it's something that I will never forget. [shouts] Yes, Strudwick's face! Stop asking such stupid questions!
Nina: Look, you knew about her past.
Dick: Yeah, but until last night, her past was- was faceless! Now it's got a face. The fuzzy, smirking face of Vincent W. Strudwick.

Don: I'm here on official police business. I was going over your accident report, and I noticed you didn't fill out your insurance info.
Dick: Oh, that's because I don't have any insurance.
Don: But, Dick, that's just plain crazy! You have to have insurance.
Dick: Why? It's just a bet against myself. The only way I can win my money back is by getting horribly injured.
Don: You know, Dick, you have a good point. I don't even know why I'm here. Oh, wait, I know why I'm here because it's the law!
Dick: No, it's not.
Don: Yes, it is.
Dick: No, it's not.
Don: Yes, it is.
Dick: Well, I subscribe to nature's law. The industrious beaver doesn't insure his dam, does he? No! He rolls the dice and if a flood should strike, he smiles his toothed grin, slaps his tail upon the water, and flies away!
Don: I'm just gonna put down State Farm.

Dick: And while I was contemplating that thong, I wondered... who is the person that we would least suspect of poisoning the Colonel?
Inspector Macaffery: Will you sit down? You're stealing my part. I get to do this.
Dick: How many more people have to die because of your incompetence?
Inspector Macaffery: I do the summation after brunch, every Sunday. Read the damn brochure!
Dick: No! The least likely suspect is the person who, herself, was poisoned, but poisoned only to the extent that she lay sick in her room, above suspicion, away from the crowd, the perfect dose. And who knows more about poisons than an anthropologist? A toxicologist? Yes. But forget I just said that. That leads nowhere. No! Mary Albright killed Jack Wallencott and then in a fever of vengefulness, she killed my dear friend, Colonel Pinkham.
Mary: What the-
Dick: Yes, Mary. I could tell immediately you were jealous. You never expected the Colonel and me to forge such a bond. And if you couldn't have me, no one else could.
Mary: You can't accuse me of murder, you can only accuse the actors.
Dick: And which "actors" would those be, Mary?
Colonel Pinkham: If you had hips the size of that blonde woman, would you be wearing that skirt?
Mrs. Wallencott: Oh, darling, please. I wouldn't even leave the house. Ooh.
Dick: Colonel. You're alive. And Mr. Wallencott, you... you can walk! Wait a minute, you only pretended to die. None of this is real. This is all a scam! No, wait! You're all actors. This... is the show, right? Well, you were all marvelous.
Inspector Macaffery: And you, sir, are the reason I want to leave acting, and return to my first passion... drink!

Dick: Amen! If I could have your sweet attention, here at the piano. [playing]
Nina: Dr. Solomon, what are you doing here?
Dick: There's something that needs to be said here, Nina. [gospel flourish] Sometimes a man, he thinks he knows everything. But that man, he knows nothing. He's so lost. Never looks at life from any angle but his own. But then one day, he sees the light. He reads the books. Learns Black culture like a pro. Difference between Malcolm X and Mr. T? You just ask him. But I pity the fool. This fool, he thinks he knows everything. But still, still, he knows nothing. You know why?
Woman: [vocalizes] Why?
Dick: He picked the White body.
Choir: [sing] Fool chose the White body
Dick: He didn't know he had a whole rainbow to pick from. Nobody told him.
Choir: Nobody told him
Dick: But I, Dick Solomon, I need you to tell me, tell me that I can be a good man. Tell me I can be good in spite of my color.
Choir: Dick Solomon, you can be good Dick Solomon, you can be good

Dick: Where am I? And what's going on?
Mary: You lied so much, you passed out.
Dick: Mary, it's true. I'm the High Commander of an exploratory mission that came to Earth six years ago to study mankind.
Mary: Does your family know about this?
Dick: We're not a family. We're a unit. Tommy is the information officer. Sally is the security officer. And Harry has an enormous transmitter in his head.
Mary: Oh, that's impossible! Except for the Harry part.
Dick: Open your mind. Think about everything you don't know about me. And then think about everything you do know. Think about how every single time something happens, it's like I'm learning it for the first time... like a child. Mary, think about our entire six year relationship knowing that I'm an alien.
Mary: [smiles] [looks horrified] [looks angry] [looks sad] [smiles] You are an alien.
Dick: Yes.
Mary: Why didn't I see this before?
Dick: Because you're only human.

Dick: It's inexplicable. I, who bestride this world like an intellectual colossus. I, who make lesser men quiver in awe of my cranial prowess. I, who... I've forgotten my point.