Dick: They're right. You can't go home again. So much for "family" and "brotherhood" and "home is where the heart is." What a bunch of crap!
Mary: Now you know where I've been coming from. You go home for the holidays, you see that beautiful Christmas tree in the window. Everything looks so idyllic. And all of a sudden there's your mother swinging a five-iron at your father's head, and the tree's in the eggnog.
Dick: How do you deal with it?
Mary: I repress. Repression is the key to a happy family.
Dick: Doesn't sound very healthy.
Mary: If you yell and scream, you end up sounding like your mother. I'm gonna go get another drink.
Dick: Didn't you just finish one?
Mary: Get off my back!

Mary: I'd never been in trouble until he came along. But he has this way of talking, see, when you know he's crazy, but you just can't help but listen to him. And all of a sudden, you find yourself doing things you never thought you'd do. Bad things, stupid things. And where is he now? Free as a bird. While I'm in here taking the fall.
Lorraine: We know how you feel.
Ginger: Yeah. You need a new pimp.
Mary: Pimp? I'm not a hooker. I'm a professor.
Ginger: Hmm. Too bad. You could make a nice living.
Mary: Thank you.

Dick: Mary, what happened to your arm?
Mary: Oh, it's nothing. After they wrapped my ribs, the nurse walked me to my car and slammed my shoulder into the door.
Dick: I guess accidents will happen, huh?
Mary: Yeah. [chuckles] She then took me back to the hospital, and they forced it back into its socket, gave me a shot of cortisone.
Dick: Oh, well, I hope that made it feel better.
Mary: Well, no. The cortisone was mismarked. It was minoxidil. But they tell me the excess hair will fall out by beach weather.

Mary: You want me to talk about our sex life so you can impress an old college chum?
Dick: Yes. And don't be afraid to embellish. Every time you're about to describe something, multiply it by two first.
Mary: Dick, why are you so insecure? You're fine in bed.
Dick: Okay. Now, multiply it by two.
Mary: You're great in bed.
Dick: Multiply by four.
Mary: You are a stallion. The merest touch of your hand ignites an unquenchable inferno... in my loins.
Dick: Yes, four! Four. Do it. [goes to leave] Could I just hear five?
Mary: No!

Dick: Excuse me. I have a special delivery package addressed to a... birthday girl.
Mary: Ooh, a video. Could this be a sexy video?
Dick: Could be.
Mary: Thirty Days to Thinner Thighs.
Dick: You know how you're always complaining about your chunky thighs?
Mary: Here's a... gift-giving tip, Dick. Jewelry says, "Our love goes on forever." Exercise videos say, "Your ass goes on forever!"

Mary: Honestly, there's something about you that seems odd. It's as if you were out of sync with every other person on the planet.
Dick: Well, how can that be? Every day I go out of my way to do things that appear normal.
Mary: What you just said, that's not normal.
Dick: What else?
Mary: Well, you you act as if you're feeling everything for the first time. You have no control over your emotions. You tried to feed me doggy treats.

Mary: I once dated this chemistry professor, Dr. Abrams.
Nina: Oh, god, she's starting with the A's.
Mary: He invited me to portage lakes for a romantic weekend, and then just never showed up.
Sally: Did you kill him?
Mary: No, no. I don't believe in violence. Violence doesn't do you any good. However, a gas tank full of sugar and a flaming bag of dog poop will.
Sally: And you take that orally?

Nina: See, Sally, you are not the problem. Guys are jerks. You're just never gonna find the perfect man.
Mary: Yeah, the perfect man would have Bill Gates' money, Jimmy Smits' ass, Liam Neeson's shoulders, Michael Jordan's thighs...
Nina: And we need a brain.
Mary: [scoffs] No, we don't.
Nina: Yeah, you're right, then he'd think like a man.

Mary: Oh, Nina, I can't believe this is happening to me. Not every anthropologist receives this kind of honor. I worked my entire life for this award.
Nina: I know, the Louis Leakey award.
Mary: To stand in front of a conference of educators and express my thoughts about my work. This is going to be the best weekend of my life. Why are you looking at me that way?
Nina: No reason.
Dick: [enters] Dr. Albright! Dr. Albright! Guess what. You and I are on the same flight. Same row, side by side, strapped in at 38,000 feet. Isn't that great?
Mary: Why are you going to the conference?
Dick: Oh, they're giving me some kind of academic award. You know, they hand these things out like candy mints. Once we get that out of the way, the two of us get to experience the magic that is Chicago.
Mary: Well, once again something wonderful in my life has been turned into a giant crap fest.

Mary: You are the biggest fool I have ever known.
Dick: Really, is that what you think?
Mary: To say that you behaved childishly is an insult to children everywhere.
Dick: That's it, open up. Talk to me.
Mary: I am a merry-go-round person. You are a tilt-a-whirl person.
Dick: This is good. Tell me your feelings.
Mary: Before you came into this office, I had a very sane and ordered life. I could go for weeks without explaining myself, and now the sky's the limit! You drive me crazy!
Dick: I do all this to you?
Mary: Yes!
Dick: Well, I must be a pretty exciting guy. [Mary screams] Now, that's good. Now we're communicating. Now I know what you're thinking.
Mary: What am I thinking?
Dick: You like me. [Mary squirts water at Dick] You really like me.