Sally: All right. What have we got, Tommy?
Tommy: The lady says she stepped out of the laundromat to get a coffee. When she returned, her slipcovers had been removed from the dryer and placed on the folding table. She also claims they were still wet.
Sally: Is this a fact, sir?
Mrs. Dubcek: He moved my stuff.
Sally: I am not talking to you.
Mrs. Dubcek: I'm saying, I went-
Sally: Zip it! Tommy... [clears throat] Why don't you tell our friend here the rules.
Tommy: The rules are: you are not to remove someone else's moist items from the dryer.
Sally: Now, was it moist?
Man: It was damp.
Sally: Don't pee on my shoes and tell me the washer's leaking.

Sally: Plus, we don't need him. I have a plan.
Don: You do?
Sally: Yeah, I'm gonna flood the hole with 3,000 gallons of water, and then Dick and Harry'll just float to the top.
Don: What if they don't float?
Sally: Well... then they're witches.

Dick: Oh, no where are my boobs?
Sally: I've got them!
Both: You're me!
Tommy: Dick?
Sally: What?
Harry & Tommy: Aah!
Dick: Oh, great.
Harry: What happened?
Tommy: The Big Giant Head just switched their bodies.
Dick: Wow.
Sally: Oh, my god! I'm gorgeous!

Dick: These women, they're all vibrant, healthy, strong, young. They're just like Sally.
Sally: You know, I've been thinking about this. Every time I turn on the TV or open a magazine, I see people like me. All the ads are aimed at me. I am what counts.
Dick: I think you're full of something, Lieutenant.
Sally: No, no, no, no. If I don't watch a TV show, it's canceled. I don't like a soft drink, history. If I don't like a certain feminine product with wings, they'll make one with a propeller. I am the target demographic. Face it, Dick. I'm young, hot and all-powerful.
Harry: You just said yes to you.

Dick: Sally, you're smiling. You're fixed.
Sally: No, Dick, I'm not fixed because I was never broken. I'm supposed to be this way. I'm a woman.
Dick: Yes, and...?
Sally: Tell me, Dick, what kind of shampoo do you use?
Dick: I don't know.
Sally: Exactly. And do you feel the urge to have an eight-pound screaming larva rip its way out of your lower abdomen?
Dick: No, I think I can do without that.
Sally: You see, here, you and I are completely different life-forms, and it's just some sick cosmic joke that we have to share a planet.
Dick: You know, I've been thinking about your assignment. Maybe it wasn't fair of me, making you the woman.
Sally: I'm all right. I can handle the mood swings, the emotional issues, the catcalls, the punitive underwear, because, frankly, when I think of the alternative... [looks Dick up and down] I just have to laugh.

Sally: All right, gentlemen, prepare yourself for a fancy feast.
Dick: Fancy feast? Can we afford that?
Sally: Yes, we can. Because while I was shopping today, I found this aisle in the back that had these unbelievable savings. Tuna, liver, and even seafood blend for you finicky types.
Tommy: Wait a minute. You're feeding us cat?
Sally: It's not cat, Tommy, it's salmon. There's just a picture of a cat on the label. The best part is, next to the food they had these adorable little gifts. Look.
Dick: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I've never been happier in my life!
Sally: I was playing with it today, and it got stuck behind the refrigerator, and I went nuts trying to get it!

Dick: Now, Sally, they already adore me. But you must strive to be accepted by these people.
Sally: Accepted? Have you forgotten how hot I am? I mean, good looking women are accepted at more places than American Express. I could belch the alphabet and men with PhDs would be asking me to tutor their kids.

Sally: So that's how it's gonna be, huh? Well, as long as we're being honest with each other, I don't like how you leave the toilet seat down.
Nina: That's the way women use it.
Sally: [scoffs] Yeah, sure, Nina. That's the way women use it.

Sally: [v.o.] I'd barely laid eyes on him, and yet I was already enveloped by the hot flash of his manly presence.
Don: Sally! What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here.
Sally: I know. It's forbidden, like our love.
Don: Wait. You didn't come here to watch me do my business, did you?
Sally: Hush, Don. I'll answer your questions, all of them, but not here. Not now.
Don: Well, then when, Sally?
Sally: When the crescent moon slices through the clouds like a saber through the strings of a bodice.
Don: Help me out. Is that Tuesday? Friday?
Sally: Don, I beg of you, I must go now. Everything you need to know is in here. Be patient, my love. The wait is almost over.

Tommy: Why don't we just grab him?
Sally: Good idea, bonehead! Then we create even more of a scene.
Tommy: I'm sorry!
Harry: [to crowd] We visited your tiny little planet thousands of years ago and built the towering pyramids!
Tommy: What?! We didn't build the pyramids. We killed the dinosaurs.
Sally: We killed the dinosaurs?
Tommy: Didn't we?
Sally: Oh, whatever.