Nina: Dr. Albright! Dr. Albright! You got something from the White House! Open it!
Mary: What?!
Nina: Open it!
Mary: "Dear Dr. Mary Albright, in recognition of your achievements in the field of undergraduate education, you are hereby invited to the president's dinner honoring academic excellence." Oh, my God. "Enclosed itinerary"... blah, blah, blah... "Cherry Tree Inn on the Potomac. Looking forward to meeting you, sincerely, Bill and Hillary Rodham... Potato Head."
Dick: [laughs]
Mary: Very funny.

Painter: I got a work order to paint the door.
Dick: Oh! Oh, yes. Right. Yeah, right here. Right over this name. And bigger! And bolder! So when one approaches the door, a mere glance will establish just who's who in this office. [laughs] [exits]
Mary: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No. Oh, he'd be very upset. This says "Dick Solomon." He gets that a lot. It's Dick S-a-l-m-o-n. Salmon. You know, like the big, pink, stinky fish.

Mrs. Dubcek: Ah, don't listen to him, boys. I love rock and roll. I used to be a groupie for the Kingston Trio.
Harry: Okay, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to go.
Mrs. Dubcek: I had an all-access pass. As a matter of fact, so did they.

Dick: Ah! Recognition at last. Now all who pass through the hallowed gates of Huff Hall will know that this office is occupied by Dr. Dick Salmon.

Nina: Dr. Solomon, come on, enough with the practical jokes.
Dick: But, Nina, there's nothing practical about this joke. It's an utterly pointless, hurtful, and asinine waste of time. [giggles]
Maintenance Man: You sure you don't want this furniture?
Dick: Absolutely not. As a student of the ancient Chinese art of feng shui, I can assure you that the spiritual harmony of this room was upset by having that bitch sitting there. [giggles]

Dick: Women.
Tommy: Women.
Don: Women.
Harry: [high-pitched squeal] Women!
Dick: You can't live with 'em, and you can't have heterosexual sex without 'em.
Harry: That's probably true.

Sally: Dick, I am telling you, you need a vest!
Dick: I'm wearing a vest.
Sally: Yeah, but it's wool. You need Kevlar.
Dick: I'm just going to the office.
Sally: Yeah. The office where you work with your ex-fiancee. You remember her, the bitter woman who wants you dead.
Dick: Oh, that. Oh, look, Mary's had an entire night to sleep on it. Besides, deep down she loves me. And I said I was sorry. What more could she ask for?
Sally: Okay. Dick, I am practically a woman, okay? I basically know how women feel, and she's gonna want a whole lot more than "I'm sorry." So you have a choice. The vest or me.
Dick: Oh, fine. You carry my lunchbox. [Sally knocks the lunchbox out of Dick's hand] Don't bruise my banana.

Sally: Clear!
Dick: [enters] You see, Sally, there's nothing to be concerned about. You've got to get-- Oh, my god! Mr. Potato Man! Who would do such a thing?
Mary: [enters] Hello, Dick. Oh, Sally.
Dick: How could you do this?
Mary: I was mad at you, and I guess I took it out on a perfectly innocent plastic potato.
Judith: Be glad it wasn't your butt.

Dick: There, you see? I can be an adult, too.
Mary: I'm sure you can. That's why I'm going to continue to allow you to use my office.
Dick: Your office? It's our office.
Mary: [shouts] Check the door, Dick! It's my office! Always was, always will be! [normal voice] But I say that just to let you know. I don't stress it. I just gloss over it. See? Adult. [points to her name as she exits]
Dick: Nina, I want my name painted on this door, and I want it twice the size of hers. 3 times the size! I'm going to be the biggest adult in this whole stupid office!

Harry: Can I be your roadie? Can I?
Tommy: So you want to lug around heavy equipment for us while we treat you like dirt?
Harry: Yeah. Plus I get my pick of the less attractive women.