Judge Quote #23
Quote from Judge in The Funeral to End All Funerals
Jason: Whoa, whoa. Your honor. Let's just slow down here, and say everything again maybe, because I think some of us were thinking about skateboards and don't know what's going on.
Eleanor: Canceling Earth, doesn't that seem a bit drastic?
Judge: It's just too much of a mess down there, you know? I mean, the simplest solution is to erase everyone that ever lived and restart with a bunch of amoebas or whatever. Then human life will evolve again, or maybe even something better. Maybe this time they won't have baby teeth, you know? That whole thing is so weird, like they fall out and then the bigger teeth just grow out of that same hole. Gross. Anyway, the important thing is Earth... [blows raspberry]
The Good Place Quotes
‘The Funeral to End All Funerals’ Quotes
Quote from Michael
Michael: Let's focus on the big picture here. Free of Earth's complications and its unintended consequences, the other three improved a lot. Chidi got 38% more confident. Simone got 43% more flexible in her judgments of people, and John didn't call one single person the C-word.
Judge: But he did yell the C-word at himself as well as a pack of squirrels and a chair he tripped over.
Shawn: Why are we even still discussing this? Brent got worse. If humans can't be good with their needs magically met, maybe they're just not that good.
Judge: He's right; the evidence needed to be overwhelming. I can't just turn the whole afterlife upside down because three people got a little bit better.
Michael: But don't forget. There's a lot of evidence that Eleanor, Jason and Tahani got better in the original experiment, so that's six people. That's the number of friends in Friends. Are you gonna sit there and say that every single Friend belongs in hell? I mean, maybe Ross and Rachel... and Monica and Joey, and definitely Chandler... but Phoebe?
Quote from Eleanor
Eleanor: Tahani improved so much over her many lives, but she also helped me improve. She taught me lots of stuff, like "Bras shouldn't be painful", and, "You don't buy bras at Home Depot", and "They don't sell bras at Home Depot. What the hell are you wearing?" For the record, it was a men's back support harness, and it worked in a pinch.
Quote from Judge
Judge: All right, everyone. Let's get this done. This is the single most important case that has ever appeared in my court, and the results will have ramifications for eternity. Before we begin, I'm going to need you all to sign this.
Michael: A petition to bring back Ally McBeal.
Judge: Well, yeah. I mean, everything else is getting rebooted. Get a young hottie in there, you know, like a Zendaya type. Is it Zenday-ah or Zend-iyah?
Shawn: Zenday-ah. Or... I don't...
Judge: I mean, who wouldn't watch that? Am I right? Anyone? Fine.