Chidi: Where did you go, exactly?
Judge: Tanzania, Paraguay, Vietnam, Denmark. It's terrible everywhere and always in a different way. The only place I liked was Hawaii, although I barely left the resort. The last place I went was a Black Friday sale at an outlet mall in Michigan.
Tahani: Why?
Judge: For the deals. Earth stinks, y'all. It's hot, and it's crowded, but somehow also cold and lonely. I thought it was going to be so easy to make good decisions. The first thing I did was I googled "big, juicy natural tomatoes," which led me to a porn site that was for people with a sunburn fetish or... I kind of never recovered.
Michael: Right. That's problem number one. Life is chaotic and messy and unpredictable. Problem number two: even if you do somehow manage to make good decisions, you still lose points because of the unintended consequences.
Eleanor: Yeah, there are booby traps everywhere. Like, there's this chicken sandwich that if you eat it, it means you hate gay people. And it's delicious.
Judge: It is. It is so good.
Chidi: And I essentially tried to do what you suggested. I obsessed over every choice. But that was also bad, and I still got sent to the Bad Place. So, I'm problem number three.
Judge: Oh, no, you are nobody's problem, sweetheart. [sighs] You know, we got to figure this out.