Janet & Judge: [sing] You can ring my bell Ring my bell
Judge: Whoo. Wait a second. What was I doing?
Janet: I'll tell you what you were doing. You were tearing up the dance floor.
Judge: No, I was looking for the stupid clicker thingy. God, those infectious disco grooves.
Janet: So wait, wait, wait, wait. We have this amazing new idea, and Shawn is almost on board. Maybe if you talk to him, you could nudge him towards an agreement.
Judge: I don't take sides. I am the Judge. My only concerns are fairness and impartiality. [sing to the tune of "Ring My Bell"] Gonna erase the Earth Erase the Earth. [talks] That song is really my yam. [into a microphone] Humanity eraser thingy. [buzzer sounds]
[The Judge and Janet leave Disco Janet's void]
Judge: Well, later, skater.
Disco Janet: Keep on truckin'.

Tahani: No Michael and no Janet. Didn't even get to say a proper goodbye. Not even a mere toodleloo. [the portal slams shut]
Eleanor: We're on our own. We have to handle this ourselves. Michael said the portal would lead us to the Judge, so... where's the Judge? All I see is a burrito.
Chidi: Do you think it's a test? Like, maybe one of us is supposed to eat it, or we eat it together, or... or maybe, maybe it's a test to see how long we can go without eating it.
Jason: I'm not scared of any burrito. I'll eat it. Unless... The burrito is the Judge.
Tahani: Don't be so bloody ridiculous. Judges aren't food, judges are serious people who wear long, silk nightgowns and big, white powdered wigs.
Eleanor: Ah-ah. He could be right.
Chidi: What? Really?
Eleanor: I don't know, I'm just saying we've certainly seen weirder things than an all-knowing burrito. We can't take any chances. Hello, Your Excellency. My name is Eleanor Shellstrop. We doth seek thine judgment. We've traveled a long distance to see you, o great one.
Judge: What are you guys looking at? [all scream and exclaim] Hi. I'm the Judge. That's a burrito. What's up, guys?

Judge: Yeah, I did not think I had a case today. The paperwork should've shown up by now. Unless you guys just, like, came here. Wait, did you guys just come here? [gasps] Oh, my God. You guys are bad. Which one is the worst one of you? Is it you, glasses? Oh, I bet it's you.
Eleanor: Okay, yeah, well, we did just sort of "show up," but we had to. We were escaping the Bad Place, which now that I think about it, there might be some demons following us.
Judge: Oh, don't worry about that. Anytime anyone shows up in my chambers, the portal is sealed until I issue my ruling. So, you guys can relax. Get comfortable. [their outfits change as she snaps her fingers]
Tahani: [gasps] A classic Saint Crispin's Day garden party frock. Wait, is it after 4:00 p.m.? Not important.

Judge: Let's have a look at your files.
Chidi: Wait, you don't already know everything about us? You're not omniscient?
Judge: Well... Not in the way you mean. I try to learn as little as I can about the events of humankind so I can remain impartial, 'cause I'm a judge. Yadda, yadda, yadda. That being said, sometimes I get bored and I cheat a little bit. I've been bingeing Ken Burns's Vietnam recently. It's okay. I mean, I'm immortal, but that thing is long. You know what I'm saying. Anyway, your petition is denied. I can't hear your case. Please exit to the rear.
Chidi: What?
Judge: I just absorbed the entirety of your existences, and I just wanna say you guys are so cute. And the thing is, you didn't file any paperwork, and you have no advocate, and the rules say I gotta [blows raspberry]... Send you back.

Judge: Say aluminum.
Tahani: Aluminium.
Judge: I love that!
Judge: And I love your passion. I mean, it takes a lot of guts to just show up here unannounced. Plus, I haven't had a case in, like, 30 years and I'm super bored. So, it's either this or start Bloodline, and I don't know, I just don't feel like I can see Kyle Chandler as anyone else but Coach Taylor.
Eleanor: So, the case?
Judge: Right. [rises] Let's do it.

Judge: I'm sorry, cuties, the tests have to be individual.
Eleanor: Well, can we be graded as a group then? The only reason we've come this far is because we've helped each other. And I don't think anything's gonna feel like the Good Place if we're not together.
Judge: So, if you all pass, you're in. And if even one of you fails, you're all effed, right? [all nod] Terrible idea. I mean, truly awful. You are very lucky that I cannot send you to the Bad Idea place, because that one is a stanker. But whatever blows your dress up, am I right?

Judge: Tahani... it's such a pretty name. My name is super boring... Gen. It's just short for hydrogen, which was the only thing that was in existence at the time that I was born. Anywho. All you have to do is go through there, walk down the hallway, and through the red door at the end.
Tahani: That's it? That's my test?
Judge: Yep. Oh, also everyone in every room that you pass is going to be discussing what they truly think about you. Okay, have fun.

Judge: You guys have made great strides and you made it to the Good Place. Congrats. Take these medallions and go right through that portal, and you're there in a jiff.
Chidi: We made it.
Eleanor: We made it.
Chidi: We made it.
Eleanor: Holy crap! [both cheer] All those ethics lessons paid off. Whoever said philosophy was stupid?
Chidi: You- You did, many times. As recently as this morning.
Eleanor: Whoo!
Chidi: But-but you also worked really hard and you deserve this.
Judge: You really do. Here's the thing, though. It's just the two of you. Tahani and Jason didn't make it. I'm giving them tests right now to determine where they belong within the Bad Place, so you might wanna reconsider that judges-together thing 'cause if you stick to that, you're all going down. I am so hungry. Why am I so hungry? Oh, my... I'm such an idiot. I forgot to eat my burrito. And I was so hungry, too. What a dork.

Eleanor: Okay, obviously, this is the test, right? I bet the Judge gave Jason and Tahani the same offer, and whichever couple takes it, actually loses and the other two get in for real.
Chidi: Oh! Diabolical.
Eleanor: Hey, Judge. We figured out what you're really...
Judge: Nope. Tahani and Jason have not been given the same offer. Here, take a look. Tahani's test is to walk down the hallway and not get tempted by her gossiping friends. Jason is playing video games.
Eleanor: Oh. Okay, cool. Sorry, I feel weird saying this to an almighty judge, but you have hot sauce on your chin.
Judge: Thank you. It's actually not hot sauce. It's envy. Or, the concept of envy. It's really good on Mexican food, it gives it a little kick.

Judge: Oh, I am gonna miss you guys. I made a little video of our time together. [Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath My Wings" plays] Oh, look, there we are.