Barry: And I'll require silence in this house. It is way too loud and chaotic!
Erica: That's 100% because of you.
Joanne: Bar, maybe we should spend the next two weeks at my parents' house.
Barry: Yeah, their bland personalities and drab home will be way less distracting. And Lou is sort of a doctor, so he'll understand my delicate needs.
Geoff: Our dad's an actual doctor.
Barry: He's an eye doctor. That's the chiropractor of the face. Meeting adjourned.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] I just had to sneak back home before my mom knew what happened. How hard could that be? Turns out, pretty hard.
Officer Puchinski: Excuse me, sir. Sir, you need to come with me.
Adam: Is there a law against taking a morning stroll in the same pants, shirt, and unmentionables you wore the night before?
Officer Puchinski: I'm not here to arrest you. I'm here for the reward.
Adam: Reward?
[Officer Puchinski holds up a poster featuring an image of Adam and Beverly along with the text "Missing Child!! Call Beverly Immediately At (215) 555-0174. My baby angel was stolen from my breast! $1,000,000 reward! Officer Puchinski points Adam to trees and signposts covered with the posters]
Adam: Oh, my God.
Officer Puchinski: You're the "baby angel" who was "stolen from her breast," right?
Adam: You know I am. Let's just ride.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] I knew my mom was worried that I was out all night, but maybe we could discuss it like reasonable people.
Beverly: Where in the [bleep] were you?
Mr. Glascott: Ooh, coming in hot but deserved.
Adam: Why is my high school guidance counselor here?
Mr. Glascott: When will you acknowledge that I have transitioned from scholastic acquaintance to top-tier family friend?
Beverly: I aged years last night worrying about you, though you would never know it because of my fabulous skin.
Mr. Glascott: It's like a fine Dutch porcelain.
Beverly: Thank you.
Mr. Glascott: Would "just a guidance counselor" say something that personal? I don't think so.

Adam: Look, I'm really sorry that you were worried. I should have called. The night got away from me.
Beverly: Well, that makes everything okay.
Mr. Glascott: And that is sarcasm as only a close friend would recognize.
Adam: And may I ask where you slept?
Mr. Glascott: I have the same question.
Adam: At Carmen's.
Beverly: And what did Carmen's parents have to say about that?
Adam: She lives alone.
Beverly: Oh, Carmen lives alone, like the bawdy heroine of a Danielle Steel novel. No supervision, just Sodom and Gomorrah over at Carmen's place!
Adam: It's actually a... a pleasant one-bedroom.

Beverly: And that's the last time you're ever gonna be in that den of sin, because I forbid you from ever speaking to Carmen again.
Mr. Glascott: A line in the sand.
Adam: You can't forbid me from seeing her. We work together.
Beverly: That harlot is leading you astray.
Adam: It's none of your business, but we just kissed.
Beverly: Ugh! I don't need a recap of the The Blue Lagoon.

Joanne: Barry's been staying with me, and Mom and Dad, and it's been...
Geoff: Difficult? Tricky? A minefield?
Joanne: Yes! We're trying to help him, but nothing we ever do is good enough.
Geoff: Goldberg children were raised to believe that the entire world revolves around them. And it is our job as their significant other to reinforce that belief every day. [Geoff stands up a chalkboard] Here's a fun way to think about it.
Joanne: Why does this house have so many chalkboards? FISS? Is that a new cola that'll put Barry to sleep?
Geoff: It's the acronym that every Goldberg significant other must live by... Flatter, Inflate their ego, Serve their every need, and Spoil them, just like they're used to.
Joanne: I'm not sure I can or should do all of that.
Geoff: Oh, believe me, if you put your mind to it, you can FISS. You may not take as much joy in FISS-ing as I do, but that's because I was born to FISS. You'll get there.

Mr. Glascott: Adam, do you know how I got in here just now?
Adam: You walked.
Mr. Glascott: Yes, but first I used this.
Adam: I'm pretty sure it was unlocked.
Mr. Glascott: Well, I could've used this. Do you know what this is? A key to the Goldberg home. And why would I be entrusted with such a precious item?
Adam: I bet you're gonna tell me.
Mr. Glascott: It's a token of my place as the unspoken official member of your family.
Adam: Let's emphasize the unspoken part.
Mr. Glascott: I was at all your graduations, Erica's wedding reception, and when baby Muriel came home from the hospital, who was the 13th person to hold her?
Adam: Someone who loves to interrupt a man's breakfast?
Mr. Glascott: John Latifa Glascott, the permanent holder of the golden key of trust.
Beverly: Ah! There's my emergency spare. Ginzy's back home from vacation, so it's hers again.
Mr. Glascott: Rats and mice! I was so close. [sighs] I'm taking an orange.

Barry: But I'll spend the next two weeks making the necessary changes so as not to wind up a bum, like Matt Bradley, or worse, a chiropractor.
Matt: That seems fair.
Barry: First order of business... I hereby disband the JTP.
Andy: Because you're slightly struggling in med school, we can't hang out?
Barry: Not even without me. The thought of you cavorting in my absence is way too distracting. When this meeting is adjourned, you'll each be assigned different directions to walk in.
Joanne: And none of them are the directions you came from.
Andy: But we live together.
Barry: Then you will fill your apartment with Japanese dividers to only see each other's silhouettes as you rush to and from the fridge.
Joanne: Creative and virtually impossible. You're off to a great start here, babe.

Barry: Geoff and Erica, regretfully, I will not be seeing you during this intense period of study.
Geoff: Oh, my heart's heavy, Bar.
Erica: I'm good with it.
Barry: Baby Muriel, I won't be available for the interactions that bond us as uncle and girl-nephew.
Erica: But to the extent that I care, which is slightly above not at all, is Joanne also getting the gift of not seeing you for two weeks?
Barry: Bite your tongue, sister. Joanne is my sleepy-time companion. [all gag]
Geoff: Yay, graphic details of my sister's robust intimate life.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] I was fully in on plans with my work friends. All I had to do was break the news to my mom.
Adam: Mama, I'm not going to be able to see Endless Love with you tonight.
Beverly: What?! [sighs] That's the quintessential mother-son movie.
Mr. Glascott: It's certainly an unsettling description of that saucy film.