Previous Episode Next Episode 

35Quotes from ‘Weird Al’

The Goldbergs: Weird Al

315. Weird Al

Aired February 17, 2016

Visiting her grandmother from out of town, Dana is not enthusiastic about going to a Weird Al concert, so Adam comes to accept their relationship may end. Meanwhile, when Erica and Barry become peer counselors at school, they soon discover Murray exhibits all the signs of depression and have a "counsel-off" to help him.

Quote from Pops

Pops: The good news is Adam will be all yours soon enough.
Beverly: What do you mean?
Pops: Look at how they're playing "Super Immigrant Plumbers." Their thumbs are in it, but their hearts aren't.
Beverly: No way. Adam and Dana are as solid as ever.
Pops: Did you see them Pogo Ball? That's a sport for lovers, and they were just going through the motions.

Rate

Quote from Barry

Barry: Fellas, I've recently become a fully licensed and bonded medical psychiatrist, so if any of you want to work through your personal issues, this is your safe space.
Andy: I really miss my grandpa.
Barry: You're short, be taller. Boom. Next!
Geoff: There's this girl I like, but she won't give me the time of day.
Barry: Well, that's 'cause you suck at nunchucks, Bro. The fastest way to a girl's heart is some sweet 'chuckin'. Boom. Next!
Naked Rob: I feel like my father doesn't respect me.
Barry: So be less boring. Boom! Next!

Quote from Beverly

Dana: Hi, Mrs. Goldberg.
Beverly: Dana.
Dana: I brought you some coffee beans from Seattle.
Beverly: Aww. That is so thoughtful for someone who drinks coffee. I don't. I'm a tea drinker. You've known me for two years, but thanks for the partial gift, Dana. That's very sweet. Adam, Dana brought me a bag of beans!

Quote from Murray

Barry: Go ahead. Pick anybody. The more depressed, the better.
Erica: Do you even know what the signs of depression actually are?
Barry: Of course! I just need you to say them so you can understand them better.
Erica: [Sighs] Fine. Number one fatigue.
Murray: Will you two stop yapping? I'm exhausted from a hard day.
Erica: Number two lethargy.
Murray: [Groaning] Oh, so far.
Erica: Number three Irritability.
Murray: I told you two morons put the remote in the side pocket!
Erica: Four persistent aches and pains.
Murray: [Groans] Oh, now I hurt my back from stretching!
Erica: Five mood swings.
Murray: Eh, "Love Boat's" on!
Erica: And finally, sudden exhaustion.
Murray: [Snoring]

Quote from Pops

Beverly: Oh, my god. No! Adam and Dana are so wonderful together!
Pops: Since when do you like Dana?
Beverly: I adore the girl.
Pops: Got to say, I'm surprised, given all the passive-aggressive interactions, not to mention the aggressive-aggressive ones.

Quote from Mr. Glascott

Mr. Glascott: Let me get this straight. You don't struggle getting out of bed every morning because, what's the point?
Murray: No.
Mr. Glascott: You don't desperately fear being alone again at Thanksgiving?
Murray: No.
Mr. Glascott: You've never faced the bottom of an ice-cream pint and thought, "Screw it. I'm going again"?
Murray: No.
Mr. Glascott: You don't write "Help me" in steam on the shower door?
Murray: What?
Mr. Glascott: Nothing. Okay, well, look. I'm glad that we could help you, Mr. Goldberg. If you guys don't mind, I need to take a personal day.

Quote from Pops

Pops: Hey, kiddo. I know you're hurting, but you're never gonna be over one girl until you're under the next.
Beverly: Whoa! Shut the [bleep] up, Dad.

Quote from Beverly

Adam: Mom, I have the single-greatest news on the planet.
Beverly: You have that terrible disease that makes you stop growing, and you're gonna stay my little Schmoopie forever.
Adam: No. Weird Al is playing at the Mann music center.
Beverly: And you want to take your mama as your date. Aww.
Adam: Stop hearing what you want and listen. He has two shows this week, and Dana's in town visiting her grandma. I'll surprise her with tickets!
Beverly: While I find his Hawaiian shirts festive. You're much too young to go to a family-friendly comedy show unsupervised.

Quote from Beverly

Adam: Please, you have to say yes. Dana's the love of my life.
Beverly: [Groans]
Adam: I mean, after you.
Beverly: [Groans]
Adam: The best mama in the world.
Beverly: [Groans]
Adam: I'll let you sniff the top of my head for two seconds.
Beverly: 30.
Adam: 5.
Beverly: 10.
Adam: 5.
Beverly: 30.
Adam: Done.

Quote from Barry

Barry: What's that?
Mr. Glascott: Just a lame old sign-up sheet for kids that want to become peer counselors. [Chuckles] It's a boring old club for nerds. You're not a nerd, are you? 'Cause this here, this is nerd city.
Barry: Sign me up.
Mr. Glascott: What? No.
Barry: You're underselling it, which means it's awesome, and I want in.
Mr. Glascott: [Sighs] Look, Mr. Goldberg, I have dreamt of starting a peer-counseling program at this school for years. I need emotionally mature students who are a healing presence in school.
Barry: Well, you just got yourself an officially licensed school therapist.
Mr. Glascott: No! Wow. Do not tell people that.
Barry: It's too late. I signed the sheet, which means I can advise anyone on anything, and they have to listen to me.
Mr. Glascott: That's not what it means.

Quote from Erica

Erica: No, stop! No one listen to a word this douche-monger just said. Naked Rob, just open up to your Dad a bit. Nothing earns respect more than being honest with how you feel. And, Andy, it's perfectly normal to miss your grandpa, no matter what size you are. And, you, this girl, who's clearly me, just wants to be friends.
Geoff: My heart hurts, but I appreciate the open communication, and it only makes me like you more.

Quote from Erica

Mr. Glascott: Erica, look, I'm not gonna beat around the bush about this. I need you to become a peer counselor. You're smart, you're popular, and only you can undo the terrible damage that your brother is going to wreak upon this school.
Erica: I appreciate the offer, but-
Mr. Glascott: I'll give you an "A" in any class you want.
Erica: What? You can do that?
Mr. Glascott: Open up a file cabinet and make a mark with my pen? [Chuckles] Yeah, I can do that.
Erica: Seems wrong to give me an "A" in gym when I've been cutting all year. That said, I won't notice 'cause I'll be too busy counseling peers and stuff.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: But deep down, I think she's sweet and kind and beautiful, and it helps that she lives 3,000 miles away and I get Adam 98% of the time!
Pops: That's the whole problem right there, Bevy. They've been apart too long.
Beverly: Let's hope that Weird Al is just what they need to bring them back together.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Oh, my God. This is amazing! We got to get a photo of the two of us.
Dana: Yeah, that'd be nice.
Adam: Make sure you get Weird Al's whole body in it.

Quote from Barry

Barry: You seem angry, Bro. Know what cures me when I'm angry? Screaming into something. Here.
Try my rage pillow. It'll make you feel better. What? You're supposed to yell in it, not throw it at me! What's the matter with you? That's my favorite pillow!
Murray: I do feel better.

Quote from Mr. Glascott

Mr. Glascott: You kids made the right choice coming to old Glascott. Let's do this.
Erica: Well, technically, we came to you for a recommendation.
Mr. Glascott: And I recommended myself. I come highly recommended.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Is that what this is all about? You're worried about me?
Erica: You're very moody and sleepy and angry.
Barry: And you sit a lot.
Murray: I'm not depressed. I'm a Dad!

Quote from Beverly

Dana: That was the night of our first kiss.
Adam: Yeah. Best birthday ever. Wait. [to Beverly] Were you, like, lurking around the whole time?
Beverly: No.
Adam: Then how did you-
Beverly: Moving on.
Adam: Dude, were you spying on us?
Beverly: What? No. I was cleaning the closet, and, you know- Shh! Just focus on your love.
Adam: What the- You took that hanging off the roof?
Beverly: A photographer does what she needs to do to get the shot.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Oh, Dana. You'll always be the best first love my baby could have. Besides me, of course.

Quote from Murray

Erica: Hey, can we talk?
Murray: No.
Erica: Not about feelings. We just want to apologize.
Barry: Yeah, we didn't realize you being so lazy and angry is actually you crazy happy.
Murray: I'm a simple guy. I sit in my chair. I watch TV. I yell at you two morons. And honestly, that's my happy place.
Erica: Well, it's good to know we don't have to worry about you.
Murray: Hey, that means you care.
Barry: You know, now would be a perfect time for you to actually smile.
Murray: Pass.
Barry: Worth a try.


 Episode 314 Episode 316 
  Select another episode