‘Weird Al’
Season 3, Episode 15 - Aired February 17, 2016
Visiting her grandmother from out of town, Dana is not enthusiastic about going to a Weird Al concert, so Adam comes to accept their relationship may end. Meanwhile, when Erica and Barry become peer counselors at school, they soon discover Murray exhibits all the signs of depression and have a "counsel-off" to help him.
Quote from Pops
Pops: The good news is Adam will be all yours soon enough.
Beverly: What do you mean?
Pops: Look at how they're playing "Super Immigrant Plumbers." Their thumbs are in it, but their hearts aren't.
Beverly: No way. Adam and Dana are as solid as ever.
Pops: Did you see them Pogo Ball? That's a sport for lovers, and they were just going through the motions.
Quote from Barry
Barry: Fellas, I've recently become a fully licensed and bonded medical psychiatrist, so if any of you want to work through your personal issues, this is your safe space.
Andy: I really miss my grandpa.
Barry: You're short, be taller. Boom. Next!
Geoff: There's this girl I like, but she won't give me the time of day.
Barry: Well, that's 'cause you suck at nunchucks, Bro. The fastest way to a girl's heart is some sweet 'chuckin'. Boom. Next!
Naked Rob: I feel like my father doesn't respect me.
Barry: So be less boring. Boom! Next!
Quote from Beverly
Dana: Hi, Mrs. Goldberg.
Beverly: Dana.
Dana: I brought you some coffee beans from Seattle.
Beverly: Aww. That is so thoughtful for someone who drinks coffee. I don't. I'm a tea drinker. You've known me for two years, but thanks for the partial gift, Dana. That's very sweet. Adam, Dana brought me a bag of beans!
Quote from Murray
Barry: Go ahead. Pick anybody. The more depressed, the better.
Erica: Do you even know what the signs of depression actually are?
Barry: Of course! I just need you to say them so you can understand them better.
Erica: [Sighs] Fine. Number one fatigue.
Murray: Will you two stop yapping? I'm exhausted from a hard day.
Erica: Number two lethargy.
Murray: [Groaning] Oh, so far.
Erica: Number three Irritability.
Murray: I told you two morons put the remote in the side pocket!
Erica: Four persistent aches and pains.
Murray: [Groans] Oh, now I hurt my back from stretching!
Erica: Five mood swings.
Murray: Eh, "Love Boat's" on!
Erica: And finally, sudden exhaustion.
Murray: [Snoring]
Quote from Pops
Beverly: Oh, my god. No! Adam and Dana are so wonderful together!
Pops: Since when do you like Dana?
Beverly: I adore the girl.
Pops: Got to say, I'm surprised, given all the passive-aggressive interactions, not to mention the aggressive-aggressive ones.
Quote from Mr. Glascott
Mr. Glascott: Let me get this straight. You don't struggle getting out of bed every morning because, what's the point?
Murray: No.
Mr. Glascott: You don't desperately fear being alone again at Thanksgiving?
Murray: No.
Mr. Glascott: You've never faced the bottom of an ice-cream pint and thought, "Screw it. I'm going again"?
Murray: No.
Mr. Glascott: You don't write "Help me" in steam on the shower door?
Murray: What?
Mr. Glascott: Nothing. Okay, well, look. I'm glad that we could help you, Mr. Goldberg. If you guys don't mind, I need to take a personal day.
Quote from Pops
Pops: Hey, kiddo. I know you're hurting, but you're never gonna be over one girl until you're under the next.
Beverly: Whoa! Shut the [bleep] up, Dad.
Quote from Beverly
Adam: Mom, I have the single-greatest news on the planet.
Beverly: You have that terrible disease that makes you stop growing, and you're gonna stay my little Schmoopie forever.
Adam: No. Weird Al is playing at the Mann music center.
Beverly: And you want to take your mama as your date. Aww.
Adam: Stop hearing what you want and listen. He has two shows this week, and Dana's in town visiting her grandma. I'll surprise her with tickets!
Beverly: While I find his Hawaiian shirts festive. You're much too young to go to a family-friendly comedy show unsupervised.
Quote from Beverly
Adam: Please, you have to say yes. Dana's the love of my life.
Beverly: [Groans]
Adam: I mean, after you.
Beverly: [Groans]
Adam: The best mama in the world.
Beverly: [Groans]
Adam: I'll let you sniff the top of my head for two seconds.
Beverly: 30.
Adam: 5.
Beverly: 10.
Adam: 5.
Beverly: 30.
Adam: Done.
Quote from Barry
Barry: What's that?
Mr. Glascott: Just a lame old sign-up sheet for kids that want to become peer counselors. [Chuckles] It's a boring old club for nerds. You're not a nerd, are you? 'Cause this here, this is nerd city.
Barry: Sign me up.
Mr. Glascott: What? No.
Barry: You're underselling it, which means it's awesome, and I want in.
Mr. Glascott: [Sighs] Look, Mr. Goldberg, I have dreamt of starting a peer-counseling program at this school for years. I need emotionally mature students who are a healing presence in school.
Barry: Well, you just got yourself an officially licensed school therapist.
Mr. Glascott: No! Wow. Do not tell people that.
Barry: It's too late. I signed the sheet, which means I can advise anyone on anything, and they have to listen to me.
Mr. Glascott: That's not what it means.