Matt: Wait. You think we don't worry about stuff? After four years, I'm still folding red jeans at the Gap. I was there when the mannequins had heads. I've seen it all.

Barry: Next category, busting balls. Come up with three insults for how short Andy is.
Andy: Oh. No, we don't have to do-
Barry: Go!
Matt: Andy is so tiny, he uses a sock as a sleeping bag. When Andy plays mini-golf, it's just called "Golf." Did you hear Andy died? He was bungee-jumping off a curb and the dental floss broke.
Andy: I feel completely humiliated.

Adam: Fine. Tell me how bad you wanna hurt him.
Andy: Well, he's rude, inconsiderate, and destructive.
Naked Rob: He did unspeakable things in my BVDs.
Adam: Say no more.
Matt: He soggied my cotton bottoms.
Adam: What part of "no more" don't you understand?
Matt: He freckled my Fruit of the Looms.
Adam: I get it.
Matt: He skidded my scanties!
Adam: I have a full picture!

Andy: I don't know, Bar. I mean, all of us have pretty good relationships with our families.
Matt: My sister is my best friend. I tell her things I wouldn't even tell you guys. We even have a secret language. Well, not that secret... it's Spanish.

Matt: I've gone as far as I can go at the Gap. The back-to-school rush used to be exhilarating. But nowadays, it's just like, "Will these kids please stop unfolding the jeans?!"

Adult Adam: [v.o.] My plan to Field of Dreams Barry was in full swing, and I had hit it out of the park.
Naked Rob: What's the plan here, Big Tasty?
Andy: Yeah, why'd you ask me to bring my can-do attitude and "enough money for three days"?
Matt: Am I gonna be in the sun long? My milky fair skin looks flawless, but that's only because I stay vigilant.

Pop-Pop: All right, all right. You want to dig in, huh? Your thing about this guy that works in the dungaree shop is idiotic! The only thing he thinks about is folding jeans.
Matt: It's a metaphor for control in a chaotic universe.
Pop-Pop: And your story about this middle-aged broad that flirts with the young man in your writers' group and works at the Gap is clearly about you and this one.
Matt: I wondered why Brad Mattley sounded so familiar.
Essie Karp: No.

Matt: Ah. I see what this is. He's going through the five stages of grief. First stage is denial.
Barry: Wait, so once I get through the five stages, I'll feel perfectly fine again?
Matt: Well, yeah, but healing takes a long time.
Barry: Let's do this, Matt Bradley! What's the next stage for me to race through?
Matt: I guess anger?
Barry: Gahhhh! I'm very mad! Next.
Murray: Uh, bargaining?
Barry: Give me $5 for this hockey stick.
Matt: That's not the kind of bargaining I'm talking about.
Barry: Do you want the stick or not?
Matt: Sure?
Barry: Okay, great. Next stage.
Matt: Uh, next would be sadness.
Barry: Pass. Next.
Matt: Uh, I guess all that's left is acceptance.
Barry: Great, 'cause I accept your gift of this meat tube and gum-flavored soda.
Matt: I kind of meant that you have to accept that it's done with Lainey.
Barry: I will never accept that. In fact, I'm gonna go get her back right now.
Matt: That's 'cause you're obviously still in denial.

Barry: Attention, JTP.
All: JTP!
Barry: The time has come for a Barry-o-lution. I don't have time to explain what that means, but I am guaranteed to be the sexiest man in all of Jenkintown after my awesome transformation.
Matt: I think you should be happy with the way you are. You're amazing, man.
Barry: Save your kind words, Matthew!

Barry: Now we take our yard back. We're in a real-life turf war, JTP, two rival gangs going head-to-head, just like in that movie "Colors."
Matt: I don't think this is anything like that.
Barry: We were there first, and they came and took our backyard. What's different?
Matt: "Colors" is an incredibly real and poignant movie about socioeconomic factors that created a political tinderbox within-
Barry: Now you get it! We're in a real-life war, just like in that movie "Colors."
Matt: Guys, we live in the suburbs of Jenkintown. It's super offensive to compare our-
Andy: Bro, just get on board. He's not letting this one go.
Matt: Fine. We're in a turf war.