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33Quotes from ‘A Night to Remember’

The Goldbergs: A Night to Remember

419. A Night to Remember

Aired March 29, 2017

Adam starts a promising new relationship off with a lie when he pretends to have read Lord of the Rings. Meanwhile, Barry tries to plan a night to remember for his and Lainey's prom, and Erica and Geoff Schwartz can't seem to get their timing right.

Quote from Adam

Jackie: Cliff Notes? You told me you loved "Lord of the Rings."
Adam: I'm sorry, I tried to read it, but it's the longest book about the shortest people.

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Quote from Coach Mellor

Barry: I can't believe it. My girlfriend just broke up with me.
Coach Mellor: I know. We all know. There were hundreds of your judgy peers watching.
Barry: What am I gonna do?
Coach Mellor: Come on. Bring it in for a two-person huddle. Let Coach give you a pep talk with his body.
Barry: [crying]
Coach Mellor: That's it. You soak that rayon shirt down with your boy tears until you feel the strength return.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Hello, Father. I come to you today with a life-and-death request.
Murray: Why do you look like a department-store pianist?
Barry: You're a department-store pianist! No! Sorry. Let me start over. As you know, next weekend is prom. It is literally guaranteed to be a night to remember. That's the theme, and I take it very seriously. That's why you will fully fund this venture.
Murray: Go away.
Barry: But you have yet to hear the extraordinary details. Me and Lainey begin the night crossing the Delaware River on a hot-air balloon.
Murray: Go.
Barry: Upon landing, 12 Clydesdales will pull our bejeweled carriage to school on a path of freshly cut white roses.
Murray: Get out of my face.
Barry: Tiki torches will light the way, as 100 bald eagles soar into the sky, each carrying a poem handwritten by a haiku expert. I'm begging you. That's when El DeBarge serenades us as we destroy the dance floor with our love.
Murray: I'm not paying for an El DeBarge.
Barry: This all can come true for a measly $22,000.
Murray: You are an insane person. You're not getting a penny.

Quote from Adam

Jackie: Your mom actually made it better.
Adam: For real? So you still want to go to prom?
Jackie: Is a nerf herder scruffy-looking?
Mrs. Geary: Jackie, no one knows what that is.
Adam: I do. She said "Yes."

Quote from Barry

Coach Mellor: There's no fire, is there, Goldberg?
Barry: Only the one burning in my heart for this sweet lady right here.
Coach Mellor: Damn it. All right, everybody back to class! I hope you brought your wallet, because the fire department charges 80 bucks for false alarms.
Barry: No problem! I happen to have that exact amount right ... Oh, no!

Quote from Adam

Jackie: I'm thinking for our first issue we're gonna tackle "Lord of the Rings." Ever read it?
Adam: Have I?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] I had not.
Adam: (chuckling) Have I?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] I really hadn't, but this girl was perfect, so lying seemed right.
Adam: I- I must have read it like 0 to 10 times.

Quote from Pops

Adam: I met a girl, Pops. She's older. She knows stuff.
Pops: An experienced lady, huh? Now, this is where Pops shines. How can I help you?
Adam: What do you know about hobbits? Talk to me. Give me your life wisdom about the Shire. Now!
Pops: I don't know what that is. I was talking about how to get your arm around a dame at a picture show.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Hyah! You're taking my sister to prom!
Geoff: Barry, are you even in this class? I'm in the middle of a test.
Barry: You will do this, or I will fight your father in front of your entire family, shaming your bloodline.

Quote from Barry

Geoff: Dude, you know I'd love to go to prom with Erica, but our timing's always been wrong. It's just not meant to be.
Barry: Geoff, stand up! You will take my sister to prom, and you know why? 'Cause you need to bet on love before it's too late.
Matt: He's right. In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take.
Barry: No one cares what you think, Matthew. But his inspiring words are right. The time is now.

Quote from Adam

Sales Associate: Can I help you?
Adam: Gah! Nope. Just browsing.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] But I wasn't. I was there to buy the most illicit thing you could buy in a bookstore in the '80s.
Adam: Cliff Notes.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Before the Internet, this was how we got away with not reading a book. Some dude named Cliff summarized an entire story into a little yellow pamphlet.
Sales Associate: Hey, last-minute book report, huh?
Adam: No. That's cheating. I don't do that. I need to read this 'cause I lied to a girl.
Sales Associate: If I were you, I'd just tell people you're cheating.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Oh, my God. Why is there an impossibly adorable tuxedo in your closet?
Adam: Okay, I was gonna tell you...
Beverly: Jackie's either taking you to prom or Monte Carlo for the weekend, and neither are acceptable.

Quote from Beverly

Adam: Finally. You're being normal about this. I'll go call her.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] But, just like Gollum, my mom was not to be trusted.
Beverly: Yes, bring your precious girl to me. Bring her.
Adam: What was that? I heard a weird voice.
Beverly: Not a voice. I coughed. (coughs)

Quote from Matt

Matt: Ah. I see what this is. He's going through the five stages of grief. First stage is denial.
Barry: Wait, so once I get through the five stages, I'll feel perfectly fine again?
Matt: Well, yeah, but healing takes a long time.
Barry: Let's do this, Matt Bradley! What's the next stage for me to race through?
Matt: I guess anger?
Barry: Gahhhh! I'm very mad! Next.
Murray: Uh, bargaining?
Barry: Give me $5 for this hockey stick.
Matt: That's not the kind of bargaining I'm talking about.
Barry: Do you want the stick or not?
Matt: Sure?
Barry: Okay, great. Next stage.
Matt: Uh, next would be sadness.
Barry: Pass. Next.
Matt: Uh, I guess all that's left is acceptance.
Barry: Great, 'cause I accept your gift of this meat tube and gum-flavored soda.
Matt: I kind of meant that you have to accept that it's done with Lainey.
Barry: I will never accept that. In fact, I'm gonna go get her back right now.
Matt: That's 'cause you're obviously still in denial.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: So, what exactly are your intentions towards my boy?
Jackie: Excuse me?
Beverly: Are they honorable?
Jackie: Uh, sure?
Beverly: Well, then let's lay out some ground rules. There will be no graphic language or adult situations. There will also be no smoking, no joking, and no midnight toking.
Jackie: Tolkien like the writer?
Beverly: There will also be no smooching, no prolonged hugging, and no intimate horseplay. Repeat it all back to me.

Quote from Beverly

Jackie: Mrs. Goldberg?
Beverly: I've come on behalf of my boy.
Jackie: Uh, what exactly is happening here?
Beverly: It's like that book "Cyrano," where his mom comes and speaks on behalf of her son. Okay, I've never read it, but I know I'm close.
Mrs. Geary: Who's down there? What's going on?
Beverly: Oh, it's okay. It's Beverly Goldberg, Adam's mom. I'm just appealing to your daughter to reconsider my son as a romantic prospect.
Mrs. Geary: Shouldn't your son be doing that?
Beverly: Well, she kind of caught him in a lie, which is all my fault. The point is, this is what mamas do. Right?

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: See, this is what I wanted to show you The Real Adam. Here he is as a one-eyed drifter.
Jackie: Snake Plissken.
Beverly: Ooh! An adventure boy with a whip.
Jackie: Indiana Jones.
Beverly: An underwater devil.
Jackie: Aquaman.
Beverly: See? Adam would correct me, too. You are totally made for each other.

Quote from Beverly

Mrs. Geary: I get the feeling you are right. Every Aquaman needs a Super Gal.
Jackie: Wonder Woman. And she's from the Amazon, not the deep ocean.
Mrs. Geary:Aww, baby, nobody cares but you.
Beverly: And my son. It's so off-putting and cute.

Quote from Beverly

Adam: Mom? Are you kidding me?
Beverly: Boopie, where's your jacket? It's cold out.
Adam: I didn't have time to put it on.
Beverly: You're gonna get a sniffle.
Adam: It's really not that cold out.
Beverly: You say that, but your face is very flushed.
Adam: Could we not have this discussion?
Beverly: You know, if you're not wearing a jacket, you should at least be wearing a hat.
Adam: Mom!
Beverly: That's what happens when you get all hot-
Adam: Stop!
Beverly: -outside when it's cold.
Adam: Stop.
Beverly: Think of horses.
Adam: I'm begging you, please!
Beverly: You're gonna be in the hospital-
Adam: Mom!
Beverly: With pneumonia, writing things down-
Adam: Mom!
Beverly: On a chalk board because you can't talk.
Adam: Stop.
Beverly: And then we're gonna have to have that whole discussion about-
Adam: (groans)
Beverly: do we take out Adam's tonsils?

Quote from Adam

Adam: Just ignore everything my mom said. I swear I really am the person you thought I was. Except I really don't get "Lord of the Rings." They just walk and talk and walk more.


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