Naked Rob: And being naked is not as easy as it used to be. I have a court date. I'm not totally sure I'm allowed to be with your baby.
Erica: I feel like that's something you should've mentioned earlier.

Matt: Wait. You think we don't worry about stuff? After four years, I'm still folding red jeans at the Gap. I was there when the mannequins had heads. I've seen it all.

Andy: I just turned 22 and I haven't had a relationship besides the will-they-won't-they tension I have with my grandma's in-home healthcare worker.

Beverly: Surprise! I bought you Apple's first portable computer.
Adam: Portable? That looks huge.
Beverly: Oh, it's only 16 barely-back-breaking pounds. You can take it anywhere as long as you stretch first.
Adam: And isn't that incredibly expensive?
Beverly: Big time, but with this, you'll open doors to your imagination. PC World called it, "Powerful and cumbersome."
Adam: I think I'm all set.
Beverly: Nonsense. You need to get back to your real passion... writing. Let me just turn this on for you. [computer chirps, whirs] Ah, listen to all that metal working.
Adam: Yeah, I'm just not really feeling the juices flowing today, so...
Beverly: Then let Mama be your muse. Drink me in and then write about the white-hot love I bring out in you.
Adam: You certainly elicit a response.
Beverly: Then put me in a script. You could pen the sequel to Throw Momma from the Train. Only this time, keep her on the train.
Adam: What a fun idea. You start hacking away at that, while I run upstairs and put the finishing touches on giving up. [exits]
Beverly: Schmoo, come back! This thing can go anywhere. [picks up PC; groans] Oh.

Matt: How are we supposed to instantly understand what it's like to be a father?
Barry: With the help of the cinematic romp Three Men and a Baby.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was the classic '80s comedy starring three clueless bachelors figuring out how to take care of a baby, and the JTP studied hard, learning the art of diapering, powdering, and singing babies to sleep. Then it was time to try it themselves.
Naked Rob: This is boring.
Andy: How are we supposed to practice being dads if she's asleep?
Matt: I mean, we could wake her up.
Barry: Erica gave us very specific babysitting details. Which I left downstairs. Now, let's wake this baby.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And so the JTP applied everything they remembered from the movie, which was, unfortunately, not much. They forgot how to put on a diaper, then they got into a powder fight... a long one. But eventually, they did remember one thing.
All: ♪ Goodnight, sweetheart ♪ ♪ Well, it's time to go ♪ ♪ Ba-dum, ba-dum ♪ ♪ I hate to leave you, but I really must say ♪ ♪ Goodnight, sweetheart, goodnight ♪

Adult Adam: [v.o.] They say, "The show must go on." And it did. Just without me.
Beverly: Horror of horrors! What are you doing?
Adam: Accepting my fate. I'm just a mop jockey now.
Beverly: God. Well, thanks to the middle-class bubble I raised you in, you know nothing of mopping.
Adam: With the water and the soap and that rinse-y thing, I'm sure I'll figure it out after a few weeks.

Geoff: Shh. It's okay.
Barry: Go to sleep, baby. [baby crying]
Geoff: I guess two men and a baby doesn't work.
Dr. Katman: Um, excuse me.
Barry: Dr. Katman?
Dr. Katman: Indeed. I was driving by and heard your baby crying, so I thought I could help. Follow me. ♪ Ba-da-da-da-dum ♪
All: ♪ Goodnight, sweetheart ♪ ♪ Well, it's time to go ♪ ♪ Ba-dum, ba-dum ♪ ♪ I hate to leave you, but I really must say ♪ ♪ Goodnight, sweetheart, goodnight ♪ [crying continues]
Dr. Katman: Well, doesn't always work.

Cynthia: So, after I switched nipple creams, he finally latched onto me, no problem.
Erica: Oh, if parenthood has taught me anything, it's that there is a cream for everything. [laughter]
Geoff: Yep, creams. There's so much excitement in those little tubes. Oh, Barb, by the way, how are your hemorrhoids?
Barb: Yeah, I'm not really comfortable right now.
Geoff: Oh, how rude of me. I didn't even offer you a pillow to sit on to ease the pain. I, too, have bottom issues, so, you know.
Erica: O... kay, any other topic of conversation?
Cynthia: I've got one. Anyone else sensing the dynamic of our mom group is a bit off?
Geoff: I know exactly what you mean, Cynthia.
Cynthia: I'm not sure you do.
Geoff: Diane was supposed to be on snack duty, and here I am with nary a Fig Newton to chew on.

Principal Ball: I bring news. Ms. Cinoman is taking a leave of absence to produce her one-woman show, "Loneliness: A Love Story With Myself."
Mr. Glascott: I read an early draft. One of the characters was wine.
Principal Ball: She's a giant mess. But the immediate issue is the Winter Gourd Fest.
Mr. Glascott: These Quakers will really celebrate anything.
Principal Ball: We have no one to direct our musical program.
Beverly: I have the perfect solution. Uh, my son is in a creative rut, but it's been well-documented that he's a genius in all things entertainment.
Mr. Glascott: Not so fast. My production of Oklahoma! inspired the school's newspaper cleverly worded review "OK is Okay."

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And just like that, I was back at William Penn. Only problem was it was under very false pretenses.
Beverly: And here we are.
Adam: I don't understand. Why would Alyssa Milano want to meet me here?
Beverly: I lied. But congratulations! You're the new director of Winter Gourd Fest. You may thank and kiss me now.
Adam: Mom, I appreciate the thought, but I've always hated Winter Gourd Fest. It's by far my least favorite of the four annual gourd shows.
Beverly: But here you can immerse yourself in the dramatic arts without having to take orders for cheese fries.
Adam: I don't know. I have Tuesday and Thursday afternoons off, I guess.
Beverly: He said yes. He said yes!
Adam: Don't make it seem like a marriage proposal. How many kids signed up to audition?
Beverly: Too many to count on one finger.