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46Quotes from ‘Deadheads’

The Goldbergs: Deadheads

417. Deadheads

Aired March 8, 2017

Barry feels left out when Matt Bradley joins the JTP and invites everyone to a Grateful Dead concert. Meanwhile, Beverly starts a swear jar after she hears Adam drop an F bomb, but things quickly spiral out of control.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Wha- What?! I have never!
Erica: Seriously?
Beverly: What? I don't talk like that.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] But she did. Bev Bombs were dropped on a daily basis in our home.
[montage:]
Beverly: Holy [bleep]! I love that idea! I hate drugs so [bleep] much! Adam used to be a good boy, and now he's a real [bleep]. [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] Yeah!

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Quote from Matt

Barry: Next category, busting balls. Come up with three insults for how short Andy is.
Andy: Oh. No, we don't have to do-
Barry: Go!
Matt: Andy is so tiny, he uses a sock as a sleeping bag. When Andy plays mini-golf, it's just called "Golf." Did you hear Andy died? He was bungee-jumping off a curb and the dental floss broke.
Andy: I feel completely humiliated.

Quote from Barry

Andy: Actually, I think we'd rather just chill here and watch Matt Bradley jam.
Barry: That guy? He's a stupid Deadhead.
Naked Rob: So?
Barry: So? Their songs are, like, a million hours long, their crazy fans smell like armpits, and all they wear is tie-dye. It's like, pick a color, bro. You can't have them all.

Quote from Barry

Geoff: Look past the swirly colors, man. Matt Bradley's a good egg.
Andy: We should totally make him a member of the JTP.
Barry: No way. It's in our official bylaws that any potential JTP prospect has to bring something new to the group.
Naked Rob: Dude, he's, like, a chick magnet.
Barry: We already got one, me!
Andy: He's also, like, super-chill.
Barry: I'm super-chill! I will physically hurt your face right now!

Quote from Barry

Geoff: At the very least, he's musical.
Barry: You want music? Watch and learn. Attention, adoring fans. Big Tasty is in the house!
Johnny Atkins: You suck!
Barry: That's right! I do rock. JTP, drop a beat.
Geoff: Um, Bar, history has proven that you say two good lines and then you freeze up and just repeat them over and over...
Barry: I said "Drop a beat"!
[JTP start beatboxing]
Barry: [rapping] Check to the one and check to the two Big Tasty's on the mic, rappin' at you '
Cause I'm checkin' to the one and I'm checkin' to the two Big Tasty's on the mic, rappin' for you
Checkity one and checkity two
Andy: He's stuck in a loop again.
Barry: And I'm rappin' and I'm rappin' and I'm rappin' at you
[crowd boos]
Geoff: And he's gonna get hit in the face in three, two...

Quote from Adam

Beverly: You don't even want to know what this little muddy mouth just said. You only get one helping of shrimp Parm tonight. You can have seconds on cheesy garlic bread, but no thirds!
Adam: It was an accident, okay?
Beverly: Unacceptable! I mean, where did you even learn such a potty word?
Adam: Nowhere.
Beverly: Answer me! Who taught you how to do this stuff?
Adam: You, all right?! I learned it by watching you!

Quote from Barry

Geoff: Yo, dude, we've been talking, and we want to make an official vote to induct Matt Bradley into the JTP.
Barry: We already decided. He brings nothing new to the table.
Andy: Bro, he's got a snake.
Barry: A streamlined iguana? For real?

Quote from Barry

Naked Rob: Come on, Bar. At least give him a chance to take the membership test.
Matt: Membership test?
Andy: It's a series of riddles, trivia, and feats of strength.
Matt: Sounds rad.
Barry: Fine! I'll give you a shot. But, as our charter states, once you fail, you can't ever be one of us.
Matt: You don't mess around in the JTP.
Geoff, Andy and Rob: JTP!
Barry: No! He's not a member. No call and response, JTP.
Geoff, Andy and Rob: JTP.

Quote from Murray

Murray: No one's going to the damn Bahamas.
Erica: Bup-bup! That's a dollar in the swear jar, Dad.
Beverly: She's right, Murray. We have to live by example.
Murray: I'm not paying for these morons to go to the Bahamas.
Erica: You know, "moron" may not be considered a curse word, but it really does feel like one emotionally.
Murray: I'll put 20 bucks in that thing if I can call any moron who's acting like a moron a moron anytime I want.
Erica: 50.
Murray: Worth it. Morons!

Quote from Adam

Erica: You know what would teach us a super-valuable lesson? Upping the fee for the big-time swears to 5 bucks a pop.
Beverly: Yes. Ooh. What a great idea.
Adam: Oh, balls! It's really not!
Beverly: (laughs) That's $5.
Adam: For balls? But it has so many meanings, only one of which refers to one's nards.
Beverly: That's $10! Yay! My babies are gonna be angels!
Adam: What have you done, dragon lady? I've got $7 to my name, I'm already in debt.

Quote from Erica

Erica: I have a plan. When it comes to swearing, we have self-control. Lucky for us, our mom does not.
Adam: Oh, my God. You're gonna use the swear jar to scam Mom.
Erica: I ran the numbers. We need 723 big swear words. If we can up Mom's swear rate to twice an hour and nail her on some "hells" and "damn its" in between, we're gonna be slurping on strawberry daiquiris in the Bahamas in 13 days.

Quote from Beverly

Erica: Hey, Mom? I've been thinking about it, and you're more than a mom. You're also, like a friend.
Beverly: That's exactly how I feel! We're like best [bleep] friends!
Erica: Ohh. Wow. While I appreciate the enthusiasm, you kind of just dropped a big-money word. That'll be a fiver.
Beverly: Did I say "[bleep]"? I said it again! Ohh! How many [bleep] was that? (Sighs) Oh, [bleep] it.
I'll just put in a $20. It's money well-spent for my delicious, talented superstar.

Quote from Murray

Erica: What about him?
Murray: Don't worry. Got you covered.
Adam: An "Adam" jar?
Murray: You pay up any time you say any weird stuff about space or robits or space robits.
Adam: So the Adam jar is just a nerd jar?
Murray: Yeah.
Adam: That's very hurtful.

Quote from Adam

Beverly: See? We're all just using these jars to become better people. By the end, I'll curse less, Erica will be a ray of sunshine, and Adam will be more accessible.
Adam: But we don't have that kind of money. Unless you have some way for us to steal fractions of a penny off every bank transaction, ala "Superman III."
Murray: Dollar.
Erica: Just stop talking.
Adam: I can't. It's like the Nothing in "The Neverending Story." It can't be stopped.
Murray: Dollar.
Erica: Just don't speak!
Adam: I'm like Indy when he drank the black blood of the Kali. I can't help myself.
Murray: Dollar.

Quote from Adam

Erica: You think you'll beat us? Well, I'll be an utter delight, and Adam won't even be a little bit nerdy.
Adam: Yeah! I'll be as cool as the ice planet Hoth.
Murray: $5.
Erica: Just stop talking.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Stupid Grateful Dead. I've been listening to a bass guitar solo for 20 minutes.
Pops: That's a lot of bass.
Barry: Everyone knows no song can be longer than 10 minutes unless it's The Sugar Hill Gang.

Quote from Pops

Pops: I know what'll make you feel better. [points to the TV] "What's Happening!!"
Barry: And I told you This kid Matt Bradley is trying to take my place as supreme and almighty leader of the JTP.
Pops: No, I'm saying "What's Happening!!".
Barry: I'm losing my posse! How are you not getting this?
Pops: I get it! I mean"What's Happening!!".
Barry: I told you what's happening 10 times!

Quote from Pops

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Much like my mom, who tended to swear, this is what Pops usually said.
[montage:]
Pops: What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? (Boom) What's happening?

Quote from Barry

Barry: Oh, "What's Happening". I love Rerun on these reruns. This is a classic. Rerun tries to bootleg a show, and then the Doobie Brothers stop an entire concert when they see Rerun taping them.
Pops: Thanks for ruining it.
Barry: Wait a minute. He ruined the concert. That's it! I'll record the Dead concert and get caught.
Pops: I'm gonna really ask this time. What's happening?
Barry: I'll tell you what's happening. I'm gonna make sure the JTP never see a Dead show again.

Quote from Adam

Beverly: I heard there's a new "Star Track" movie coming out. We should go see it, huh? Go see "Star Track"?
Adam: That is a title you would say.
Beverly: And I heard the best thing about the space movie is this one superhero named Hans Olo.
Erica: Run, Adam, run!
Adam: No! I got to say it. His name is Han Solo, not Hans. He's a rogue smuggler, not a Danish shoe cobbler.
Erica: You boned us.
Adam: Han Solo is from "Star Wars," not "Star Trek." And it's "Trek," by the way, not "Track"!

Quote from Barry

Andy: Dude, this 45-minute song is amazing.
Naked Rob: And everyone's so nice.
Geoff: Yeah, especially that one guy that invited me to live with him and those 10 other guys over there on that patch of lawn.
Barry: Hey, wouldn't it be awesome if we could listen to this concert later?
Matt: What's all that?
Barry: Definitely not illegal bootleg equipment that'll allow me to profit after selling them later!
Security Guard: Hey, pal, you trying to tape the show?
Barry: Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh! We're gonna have to go, huh?
Security Guard: For sure. Taping section's way over there. You can go on down.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Unfortunately for my brother, he picked the one band chill enough to let you tape them.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Why? What kind of band allows you to tape their entire concert? This doesn't make any sense.
Matt: Dead are a band of the people. Music's for everyone.
Barry: They're so nice. Now I hate them even more!

Quote from Barry

Barry: Okay, welcome to my all-new and improved posse. I'm Big Tasty, founder and leader. First order of business, we need a name.
Johnny Atkins: How about Rush?
Barry: How about hush?
Johnny Atkins: No Rush, no Atkins. Later.
Barry: Okay, so, our name has to have "Jenkintown" in it. I was thinking the Jenkintown Awesome Group.
Dan: Wait, you want us to be the JAGs?
Sergei: (Russian accent) This is name for unbearable loser, yes? A jag?
Pops: Foreign kid's right. I don't want to be a jag.

Quote from Barry

Dan: Also, why is there an old man in our super-cool group?
Barry: Every group has a life of the party, and that's Pops. I'm our badass leader, Sergei's the funny one. And, of course, we got our wild card, Naked Dan.
Dan: Naked Dan? This is weird. I'm out.
Sergei: Is decided, Naked Sergei.

Quote from Beverly

Erica: If I say anything, we're gonna end up in Colonial Williams-turd.
Beverly: Baditude. That's $5. Pay up for comparing our beloved U.S. history to poo-poos. Poo-poos!

Quote from Murray

Beverly: What's this?
Erica: We mapped out the best route to Williamsburg.
Adam: We took all the money from the swear jars and booked a hotel room.
Erica: We thought you deserved a trip. And I say that without any attitude.
Beverly: I truly, madly, deeply love you so [bleep] much, I can't stand it.
Adam: Us too, Mama.
Murray: Guess I'm schlepping to Williamsburg. Morons.

Quote from Adam

Adam: I'm approaching the natives now. They seem to have a leader.
Erica: Dude, no! I told you not to do this.
Adam: Greetings, Colonial settlers. I have come from the year 2032 to warn you of impending doom.
Ren Bans: Everyone disregard. Time travel is not part of the tour.
Adam: Not part of the tour! See, I knew you'd say that, proving that I'm from the future, where robots have taken over and their power source is pure, thick, rich butter.
Erica: I'm starting up the Adam jar again. It's for your own good.
Adam: One of the female followers is a sad loner with no boyfriend.

Quote from Geoff

Andy: Dude, this 45-minute song is amazing.
Naked Rob: And everyone's so nice.
Geoff: Yeah, especially that one guy that invited me to live with him and those 10 other guys over there on that patch of lawn.


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