Adult Adam: [v.o.] Geoff and Erica had cut my mom out of the wedding planning and were hoping the rest would be a piece of cake.
Geoff: Mmm. What do you think?
Erica: I don't know.
Geoff: It's rich. Moist. Chocolatey.
Erica: But is it chocolatey enough?
Geoff: It's called "Death By Chocolate," so...
Erica: So, it's too chocolatey? What if a dog gets ahold of it?
Geoff: How many dogs are gonna be at our wedding?
Erica: What if the caterers are blind?
Geoff: All of them?
Erica: It could happen. How many seeing eye dogs have to die for our one day of happiness, Geoff?

Erica: Oh, my God. Barry, you need to distract yourself. Here, look at this!
Barry: Whoa! It lights up.
Erica: Mmm-hmm.
Barry: And the mirror makes my eye look like a giraffe's!
Erica: Yeah, you want to know what else is fun? Keys!
Barry: [gasps] [keys jingle] They sound like sleigh bells!
Erica: Mmm-hmm.

Linda Schwartz: This is just Thanksgiving dinner.
Joanne: Cool.
Erica: What did you do?
Beverly: Oh, this? Well, it's just a light offering of some coincidentally seasonal dishes.
Erica: I'm looking at five gravy boats.
Beverly: The stuffing, mashed potatoes, cornbread, and turkey have to drown in something, Erica.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was December 1st, 1980-something, and my sister was soaking in the best part of getting married.
Erica: Where is it?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] The presents.
Beverly: Right here, Schmoo. [chuckles]
Erica: [gasps] A second blender? [Beverly squeals] Now, after I use the first one, I can just throw it out and not even bother cleaning it.
Beverly: For years, I've dreamed of the day you'd accumulate appliances you don't need, and it's happening!

Virginia Kremp: I'm so glad you two like it. It's gonna be a very special day.
Beverly: Oh, you mean a special life. I'm joining this [bleep].
Virginia Kremp: Uh, what?
Beverly: I mean, can't you just picture me lounging around in my tennis whites, sharing a genteel laugh with other members about the poor commoners on the other side of the club wall? [Virginia chuckles] "More pickle water?", "Yes, please."
Virginia Kremp: You actually can't just join. You have to be admitted. There is an application process, interviews...
Erica: Mom, if you become a member, can I have two showers? One that you host and one that Ginzy hosts?
Beverly: Of course you can. We're tennis people now. We do whatever we want.
Erica: Okay, I'm gonna call Gimbels and tell them to add electronics, auto parts, and anything made of fur to the registry.

Beverly: What have you got so far, schmoopy-poo?
Erica: "Dear Geoff. 'G' is for 'good.' 'E' is for 'even better.' 'O' is for 'oh, dang, that's my fella.'"
Beverly: I'm gonna stop you.
Erica: I'm gonna let you.

Geoff: I'm sorry, can I just ask, do you go around hiding smooches from me?
Erica: Of course not.
Geoff: 'Cause it feels like maybe I'm engaged to Morganna the Kissing Bandit.
Adam: Morganna the Kissing Bandit?
Geoff: She's this delightful, top-heavy woman who goes around from ballpark to ballpark stealing kisses from unsuspecting Major League ballplayers.
Erica: Funny that Morganna was so top of mind for you. I know that you're hot for Morganna, Geoff, and it really hurts me.
Geoff: I'm so sorry. She means nothing to me, and oh, my God, are you manipulating me to get the upper hand?
Erica: You see what I did there, Adam? These are the kinds of tools that you need to keep in your relationship toolbelt.

Erica: So, you guys exchange Valentine's gifts?
Geoff: Oh, yeah.
Joanne: Yeah.
Geoff: Valentine's is a big event in this house.
Joanne: The biggest! Oh.
Barry: This is obviously bizarre and unsettling.
Erica: Barry, let's not judge. I mean, secretly we will, but for now, we'll pretend it's totally innocent and not shaking me to my core.

Barry: I love you! Okay? Tell me you love me!
Erica: No! What is going on?!
Barry: Forget it! Horsey Man, stop the horsey!
Erica: Barry, what is your problem?
Barry: Everyone else loves their siblings, but all we have is a lifetime of pranks and reading each other's diaries.
Erica: You've read my diary?
Barry: Every boring word. But what does it matter? It's not like we're gonna be in each other's lives anymore.
[As Barry leaves the carriage, Beverly and Adam pass by in the horse and cart she's commandeered]
Beverly: Hyah! Hyah!
Erica: We're a supremely [bleep] up family.

Erica: Thought you'd be here.
Barry: Just looking at old photos of us.
Erica: I remember that backyard pool. Dad was furious because he had to inflate it by mouth.
Barry: [chuckles] Had to lie down for two days after.
Erica: Okay, you're right. We don't have a perfect relationship, but there's a good reason.
Barry: What's that?
Erica: You and I are a lot like Dad. It's tough for us to let our guard down and show we care.
Barry: Yeah. That's why I thought it'd be nice to try for once.
Erica: So what if we start right now? [holds out arms]
Barry: Is this a prank?
Erica: No prank. Just bring it in. [they hug] But we will never kiss, though.
Barry: Oh, God, no! We were right about that part. Those Schwartzes are freaks.