Virginia Kremp: Speaking of gifts, I would like to give you mine right now. It would be my honor if you would allow me to throw your bridal shower.
Erica: That means I get a whole other mountain of crap? Mama, I love getting married so much.
Beverly: Oh... [Erica squeals] Thank you, Ginzy. You are the best.
Virginia Kremp: And I'm gonna throw it in my backyard.
Beverly: And now you are the worst.
Virginia Kremp: What's wrong with my backyard?
Beverly: The long list starts with that family of moles.
Virginia Kremp: We got rid of the moles. Charles set traps and everything.
Beverly: Great, now it's a mole graveyard. [chuckles] Plus, your yard reeks. It's where I've been dumping my bacon grease.
Virginia Kremp: That's why the moles showed up!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While my mom was trying to secure a venue for Erica's shower, I was feeling insecure about my future with Brea.
Adam: Hey. So, Brown, huh?
Brea: I know. I was surprised, too, but we both got into our dream schools. That's exciting.
Adam: Yeah, so exciting. Dream schools! Dream couple! Dreamgirls is playing on Broadway.
Brea: Are you okay with this? You're doing a lot of nervous talking.
Adam: Me? [scoffs] I'm more than okay. I'm the okay-est. I'm OK Corral. [imitates gun] I'm Oklahoma's postal code. I'm the first two letters of "okra."
Brea: O-kay.
Adam: Exactly.

Virginia Kremp: You here to dump your breakfast fats on my lawn?
Beverly: No, no. We pour them down the storm drain now. Ginzy, I haven't treated you kindly, so I am going to apologize for everything I've ever said to you.
Virginia Kremp: Okay, well, that's not necessary.
Beverly: Like the time I called you a leather-faced manatee.
Virginia Kremp: Bev, you don't have to list each and every...
Beverly: No. Ginzy, I love you. You deserve this. I should not have said that you were dumber than a river weasel. You are nothing like a bag of loose poultry. And I didn't mean it when I said you have the face of an alcoholic bottlenosed dolphin. I meant that for Essie.
Virginia Kremp: Thanks.
Beverly: Nor do you have an ass like a deflated balloon left in the sun.
Virginia Kremp: Okay, some of these are just kinda stinging me all over again.
Beverly: You are not a human version of cramps.
Virginia Kremp: I don't remember that one.
Beverly: And you are not the last doll on the shelf, the one that's been dropped too many times and maybe stepped on. [voice breaks] And I mean that. Ginzy, I may not have a right to ask for forgiveness, but I'm going to anyway, because I can't lose you. You're my best friend.

Adam: This is from NYU. [Beverly gasps]
Murray: Good school. You ought to apply there.
Adam: I did apply there, 'cause I've wanted to go there since childhood. But then I got wait-listed, which devastated me, even more so because my girlfriend's going there.
Murray: You got a girlfriend? Good for you!
Adam: It says I got in! [Beverly gasps]
Murray: [choir vocalizes] Hoo-hoo! The last moocher's off the books!

Beverly: Oh, we did it! We did it!
[Beverly rips off her colorful overshirt to reveal a bedazzled sweater which reads "NYU MAMA"]
Adam: How did you...
Beverly: I've been wearing this under my clothes since you got wait-listed. Last month's Indian summer was particularly hellish. But it doesn't matter, because you got in!
Adam: The world needs to know.
Beverly: Then you go tell them, N-Y-Schmoo!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was December 1st, 1980-something, and my sister was soaking in the best part of getting married.
Erica: Where is it?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] The presents.
Beverly: Right here, Schmoo. [chuckles]
Erica: [gasps] A second blender? [Beverly squeals] Now, after I use the first one, I can just throw it out and not even bother cleaning it.
Beverly: For years, I've dreamed of the day you'd accumulate appliances you don't need, and it's happening!

Beverly: Ginzy, I love that you want to do this, but you're gonna have to dig deeper, okay? Work that little acorn.
Virginia Kremp: What about the covered tables at Birmingham Park?
Beverly: It's my daughter's bridal shower, not an AA meeting.
Virginia Kremp: Okay, well, there, there's always the back room at Il Dolce.
Beverly: We're not celebrating a mobster's release from prison.
Virginia Kremp: Um, what about m-my tennis club?
Beverly: Well, that could work.
Virginia Kremp: Yay! I c... I can... I can stop sweating now.

Barry: Love will not find a way. The second she gets to Brown, your love will get punched in the face till its nose bleeds profusely.
Adam: My love has a nose?
Joanne: It has all the body parts. And you should be taking your brother seriously.
Adam: That has not been my experience.
Joanne: If there's two things Barry knows, it's how to get the cream out of a Chocodile without ruining its structural integrity and affairs of the heart.
Adam: Fine.

Barry: Everyone thinks they can make it work long-distance, but statistically, 0.0% of couples actually do.
Adam: Moving past the shaky math, I'm not worried. We're gonna cement our already strong bond by talking on the phone all the time.
Barry: Allow us to show you how that'll go. I'll be you. Joanne'll be Brea.
Joanne: [slaps leg] Good eventide. I am Brea, last name unknown. I heard somewhere that I play volleyball.
Adam: Strong out of the gate.
Barry: I'm Adam. I make movies and I once cried at a Clorox commercial.
Adam: Can we please skip the backstories?

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As Brea and I were on shaky ground, my mom's visit to Ginzy's tennis club had her walking on air.
Beverly: Oh, my God! Look at the class coming out of this place's ass. [gasps] Wh... Is that sparkling water with pickle slices?
Virginia Kremp: Cucumber, actually.
Beverly: Shut up, Ginzy. I just can't believe you have this secret oasis of refinement and tennis.
Erica: And so much space. We can double the gift list... guest list.
Beverly: Ooh, free pastries.
Virginia Kremp: Well, folks usually just take one. [Beverly starts filling her handbag] Okay, yeah, you enjoy. Enjoy that.