Adam: Robes? I don't do well in loosely-bound clothing. I'm a magnet for ill-timed breezes and errant doorknobs.
Barry: Love your body, Adam. I love mine. It's why I don't use the belt.
Erica: Well, you should. I'm already freaking out about this wedding. There can't be more for me to unsee.
Adam: What's her problem?
Barry: Who am I? The guy who wants to know her?
Erica: Oh, my God, you two dopes are so lucky. No one will ever marry you.

Erica: Unless...
Adam: Unless what?
Erica: ...you watch our apartment while we're away. Water our plants, check our mail, be there when our new dishwasher arrives.
Adam: No way. You just want me to be your houseboy.
Erica: No, but the delivery window is anytime between 8:00 and 6:00 for the next 13 days.

Erica: Adam, what the hell?!
Adam: Oh, right! The dishwasher. Thanks for bringing it in.
Erica: Who are all these people?
Randall: I'm Randall. This is Domino...
Domino: Hi!
Randall: Juniper... Roxie...
Erica: I don't want to know all these people. And, Adam, I didn't give you permission to throw a party.
Adam: Oh, this isn't mine.
Beverly: Who wants sangria? The peaches are from Carlos's bodega! Gracias, Carlos! We are gonna have such a good time being downtown girls.
Erica: Oh, no.

[cuts back and forth between Barry talking to Joanne and Geoff talking to Erica:]
Barry: If I won, it'd be like the pudding incident all over again.
Geoff: We were freshmen. There was one pudding left in the cafeteria, and we both reached for it at the same time, and, knowing how he'd react, I let him have it.
Barry: I took what was mine. With an air of emotional and physical recklessness that he couldn't deal with.
Joanne: Oh, baby, no one can.
Geoff: He then accuses me of being selfish 'cause I brought my lunch and he forgot his. He didn't talk to me for days.
Erica: Lunch has always been Barry's favorite meal. Right after breakfast, dinner, and something he calls "midnight madness."

Geoff: Relax, I'm sure you did great. You've been working so hard. Now, open it.
Erica: Oh, my God. I bombed.
Geoff: Come on. I'm sure you just... Wow, that is a low score. Okay, how do I spin this? You're so pretty!
Erica: It's over. Forget law school. I'm just gonna be a doctor's wife who drives around aimlessly crying in her Mercedes.

Geoff: [off Erica's look] Oh, Erica did well on her LSAT.
Erica: A perfect score.
Geoff: Wow, okay.
Erica: I'll have my pick of law schools, but I'll probably focus on helping people instead of making money.
Barry: Thus proving how lawyers are dumber than doctors. Now, who will fetch me a celebratory stromboli?
Erica: And who will fetch mine? [both stare at Geoff]
Geoff: Uh, I guess me?
Erica: There ya go. Those of us who aced graduate-level standardized tests need to be served.
Geoff: Okay.
Barry: And all the napkins.

Erica: This old dude couldn't breathe. We were losing him, and as others froze...
Barry: I was assessing the situation, thank you.
Erica: This man's life was in my hands. These hands.
Matt: So delicate yet strong.
Naked Rob: Like lady hammers.
Andy: Can I touch them?
Erica: No.
Andy: I'm a tactile learner, but okay.
Erica: And I summoned all my strength. And thrust! Thrust! Thrust! And then, calzone nub. And so, life.

Geoff: Wasn't that such a delight?
Erica: Okay, I'm just gonna say it. I don't enjoy Sunday night at your parents'.
Geoff: Wha?
Erica: It's the same, exact thing every single week.
Geoff: Yeah, because it's tradition.
Erica: Geoff, we're married now. We can start a new tradition... Of never doing your parents' Sunday-night thing again.
Geoff: Never again?
Erica: Come on. We can snuggle up and order in. Oh, we can watch Jump Street.
Geoff: I mean, I guess I do enjoy Johnny Depp's whole undercover vibe. He carries a gun and a backpack.
Erica: There you go. You like what you like, and I like no more lame-ass Sundays.
Geoff: What?
Erica: Jump Street.

Beverly: There they are.
Erica: We just came to give you our laundry. Extra softener. I like my towels buttery.

Plumber: You got black mold.
Geoff: Oh, no! The silent killer of the microfungus world. How did this happen?
Plumber: Heavy moisture in there. Like maybe you guys are leaving a lot of wet towels lying on the floor?
Geoff: I don't want to name any names, but, yes, someone in this couple habitually offends in the way you mentioned.
Erica: Are you sure that it's black mold? Because the stuff that I was seeing in there looked more doody brown, like your uniform.
Geoff: You saw it and didn't speak up? Erica, anything odd in here, you have to speak up.
Erica: I shared a bathroom with Barry most of my life, so odd stuff is kind of the norm.