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The Kissing Bandits

‘The Kissing Bandits’

Season 9, Episode 12 - Aired January 19, 2022

Adam returns from a weekend visit to NYU with a secret that could jeopardize his relationship with Brea. Meanwhile, Barry comes clean about his love of ice skating.

Quote from Bill Lewis

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As I got iced out by Brea, the Winter Games were in full swing at home.
Bill Lewis: Aw, come on, USA! Canada's flag is a leaf! That's the weakest living thing on the planet. Sure, I pressed a few into my memory journal last autumn after a lovely drive up to Vermont, but we should be raking these guys up.


Quote from Barry

Joanne: Is everything okay?
Barry: That's what I'm wondering. Have Torvill and Dean lost their magic? The hairs on my arms are laying flat.
Joanne: I meant with you. You have that look on your face like when they get your order wrong at Burger Chef.
Barry: What's so hard about light lettuce, twelve pickles, three onion slices, double cheese, two top buns and ketchup-mustard at a one to seven ratio?
Joanne: You like what you like.

Quote from Geoff

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, nothing warmed your heart on a cold day like winter sports. And each snowy season, my family would take to the slopes... and by slopes, I mean our lumpy couch where we'd watch 'em on TV.
Adam: Who was the first guy who thought bobsledding was a good idea? "Let's get in this tube and fall down a mountain with three other dopes."
Beverly: Tightly packed in a cocoon of my schmoos huddled together for warmth. Ooh, I call center bob!
Erica: I'm all about speed skating. Actually, I do a little at home. After Geoff waxes our floors, I speed skate to the fridge in my socks.
Geoff: Seeing my love barrel into our Frigidaire for some OJ makes all that back-breaking waxing worth it.

Quote from Barry

Barry: None of them suspect a thing.
Beverly: I'm tingling in anticipation!
Barry: Positions!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, they were obsessed with British ice dancing superstars Torvill and Dean.
Barry: Such a harrowing and dangerous sport. They're basically spinning around with 10-inch butcher knives on their feet!
Beverly: Barry, look at me. You don't have to pretend the danger is why you love this. Be open and free with Mama.
Barry: Dammit, you're right. It's the grace, the elegance.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: The way the light shines off their costumes as they're spinning around like human disco balls.
Barry: I know. I just don't think my friends or our family would understand my appreciation for "the gorgeous game."
Beverly: Oh, for sure. And they'll forever judge you if they find out. But don't worry. Mama will take your secret to the grave, in our double coffin, where our skeletons will hold hands.
Barry: No. Double coffin? What if we don't die together?
Beverly: Oh, we will.

Quote from Adam

Erica: There he is. How was the big weekend?
Adam: I loved every moment! And I'm basically already an NYU legend.
Geoff: That sounds way wrong, but spare no detail.
Adam: Let's just say I had quite a few tiny servings of Jell-o, which at first I thought was the after-school treat we all love, but guess what?
Erica: There was alcohol in it?
Adam: So you're aware! There I was mowing down all the yummiest flavors. Grape, lime, wild cherry. The whole time, I'm thinking I had a sweet tooth, but turns out... I'm a wild man!

Quote from Geoff

Geoff: I sipped my aunt's Long Island iced tea once, so... been there.
Adam: Best part was, it was packed with so many bright-eyed incoming film students, it was like a roomful of me's.
Erica: That doesn't sound exhausting.
Adam: They kept passing around my camera, everyone filming with their own flair, their own panache, their own joie de vivre.
Geoff: What fun new words! And not at all an obnoxious peek at what freshman you will be like.

Quote from Murray

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Even at home, my deception haunted me. [tapping leg]
Murray: Hoo-hoo! Even with a wonky eye, Columbo can spot a liar a mile away.
Adam: Maybe the murder is lying to protect someone's feelings.
Murray: I was talking to the TV. Please don't interrupt us.

Quote from Barry

Joanne: Barry, are you super into those British ice dancing sensations, Torvill and Dean?
Barry: Of course not. I only like manly things. "T & D" is for trucks and dogs. Testosterone and donuts. Tom and Doug. You know, boys' names.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] So she tried a different tactic.
Joanne: Phew, well, that's a relief, because Torvill and Dean are overrated garbage.
Barry: You shut your gorgeous, filthy mouth. They're ice dancing gods.
Joanne: I knew it. You love them!
Barry: Dammit! It's true. And I understand that you have to pack up and leave me. I will forever miss your face, hair, and bottom.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Do better, America!
Vic: Technically, Canada is America. The best part of America. Hoo, go, Canucks!
Murray: Since when are you from Canada?
Vic: Since the first moment I met you, and subsequently the millions of times I've reminded you.
Murray: Doesn't ring a bell, but someone's a little proud for nothing.
Vic: We are literally beating your team.
Murray: Well, my bladder has won out over my laziness. I'm gonna go undo what the iced tea did to me.

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