Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, my mom was famous for always getting her way. She bulldozed everyone, teachers, store employees, even her own friends. But my mom's arm-twisting was about to get tested when those friends became family.
Linda Schwartz: Erica! I need to get a head count for Thanksgiving dinner. Is your mother around?
Beverly: [grunts] 26 1/2 pounds is a lot heavier than you think. Oof.
Geoff: Where do you buy a bird that big?
Beverly: Oh, I've had this gobbler since he was a chick. I'd hand-feed him peanut butter, corn, and pasta carbonara every day until my relentless forced-gorging did what it do. [chuckles] [squawks] "My name was Popcorn."
Erica: That's so dark.
Beverly: The dark meat is the juiciest.

Geoff: What's up, Mom?
Beverly: Ooh, yeah, that still doesn't feel right.
Mr. Glascott: It's wildly uncomfortable for everyone involved.
Geoff: There's got to be something that speaks to our closeness. [montage] Mee-maw? Mamacita? Mommers? Mommaroony? Mumsy? Mama-lou? Queen Mother? Mamasaurus Rex? Mother Superior? Bahama Mama? The Bev Train? Choo-choo. Big Mama? She's a fine Mama-Jama? Ooh, how about just "Beverly"?
Beverly: Sorry. None of these are working.
Geoff: But, Mrs. Goldberg...
Beverly: Bup-bup! That's the one.

Linda Schwartz: Sorry to interrupt your pet's murder, but I thought I was hosting Thanksgiving this year.
Beverly: Well, that doesn't sound right, so it isn't. And I'm already three hours into a 15-hour seasoning process.
Linda Schwartz: So? I made little menus with a calligraphy pen.
Geoff: She calls yams "yums." That was actually my contribution.
Erica: That's not the brag you think it is. And, Mom, Linda clearly thought she was doing Thanksgiving this year.
Beverly: She can still be a part of the festivities. I need help with the bird. You will be scooping out Popcorn's giblets.
Geoff: Giblets are not as cute as the name implies.
Erica: Just a butt full of guts.
Beverly: I suggest putting down a beach towel, 'cause this juicy Johnny's gonna leak something fierce.

Erica: Mom, you can't just steal Thanksgiving. It's Linda's turn.
Beverly: Oh, Linda. You know, I just hate seeing your pruney little face more wrinkled and sad than usual, so what about this? You can have your own holiday.
Erica: The hell does that mean?
Beverly: It means we'll all get together and have a thing at Linda's house.
Linda Schwartz: A "thing"?
Beverly: Yeah. We'll call it Linda Day.
Geoff: Ooh, Linda Day. That sounds fun.
Beverly: Maybe it'll be a completely random gathering, at your house, at your expense, anytime within the next six to nine months.
Linda Schwartz: What are we celebrating?
Beverly: I don't know, Linda. It's your day. The least you can do is figure out why we should care. [chuckles] Also, heads up, I can't make it.
Linda Schwartz: We didn't even settle on a date.
Beverly: I'm worried about feeding people right now. Perhaps you'd know what that's like if you'd ever planned a Thanksgiving.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was Thanksgiving week, 1980-something, and Pop-Pop dropped by our house early with a surprising plus-one.
Adam: I'm sorry, ma'am. You must have found him wandering aimlessly in the street. We'll take it from here.
Barry: Your blood sugar must be tanking, Pop-Pop. You're at your son's house! The war is long over!
Pop-Pop: This is not some random lady. This is my special friend, Joyce.
Joyce: It's so nice to meet you both.
Adam: Hold on. There's something wrong with your face, Pop-Pop. Why is your frown curling upward?
Barry: Your eyes don't have their characteristic hollowness, and they're blue? You have blue eyes?
Pop-Pop: What color did you think they were?
Barry: I know this isn't a color, but "angry"?

Joyce: These boys are hilarious. You're blessed with a fun-loving family.
Pop-Pop: Yes, it's true. I have a wonderful brood, in whom I have absolutely no gripes.
Barry: What's happening right now? Is today Opposite Day? Is that why the mailman was a lady in shorts?
Adam: I think he's dating her. So, Joyce, why don't you come in and tell us how Pop-Pop tricked you, trapped you... met you?
Joyce: I had just moved in a few doors down, and they delivered Ben's TV Guide to me by mistake, and so I just knocked on his door.
Barry: And you took one look at him and said, "More, please"? [chuckles] Walk us through your flawed thinking.

Linda Schwartz: Well, I got rid of the Thanksgiving cornucopia that I grew in my garden. [chuckles] Just like the trampoline that you kids never use.
Erica: Think your mom's upset?
Geoff: Yeah, such a waste. But one scary bounce on that bad boy and I was like, "Not for moi."
Erica: Not the trampoline. The fact that my mom stole Thanksgiving from your mom and she just let it happen.
Geoff: Just letting it happen is my family's way of dealing with your mother and your whole family, to be honest.

Adam: Speaking of his generosity, Pop-Pop, are we gonna play the gobble-gobble game?
Pop-Pop: The gobble-gobble game?
Barry: You know, our Thanksgiving tradition of handing us your wallet and letting us gobble up any money we find inside.
Joyce: That is so sweet.
Pop-Pop: Is it? Is it?
Adam: Now, gobble-gobble, old man.
Pop-Pop: Sure. Sure. Here, gobble-gobble.
Adam: Four bucks? Aren't you an adult?
Pop-Pop: I don't like carrying cash. There's greasers and doo-woppers in my neighborhood.
Adam: [quietly to Barry] We're gonna inherit nothing.

Mr. Glascott: I come bearing a seasonal candle, neighbor.
Beverly: I've been cheated on!
Mr. Glascott: Exodus 20:14, no!

Mr. Glascott: I'd never think that Murray would have the energy, let alone the desire. And what woman would debase hers...
Beverly: It's Linda [bleep] Schwartz!
Mr. Glascott: I always got a skank vibe off of her.
Beverly: Murray didn't cheat on me with Linda. Erica did.
Mr. Glascott: Torrents of confusion. Please explain.
Beverly: The very fruit of my lush giving tree is out gallivanting with another mother.
Mr. Glascott: Wait, your daughter is hanging out with her soon-to-be mother-in-law, and that's bad because...
Beverly: Because it is a disgusting display of child infidelity.
Mr. Glascott: I don't think child infidelity is a real thing.
Beverly: It's real.