Beverly: Oh, Dolores, I see you looking at the expensive side of the menu, huh? You like nice things?
Dolores: Guilty as charged!
Beverly: Aha! You're gonna bleed Bill's already meager life savings dry.
Dolores: Oh, well, actually, I make more money than Bill.
Bill Lewis: She knows fancy finance words like "dividend" and "checking account."
Beverly: And you'll always feel inferior because of it.
Bill Lewis: Nuh-unh! I'm ready for my full-time job to be foot rubber.
Dolores: Well, I'm hiring!
Murray: Yeah, well, keep your hands off her dogs while I'm eating my soup.

Beverly: I didn't do this!
Jane: Who would do this if it wasn't you?
Murray: It was me, okay?
Bill Lewis: Murray? What did you do to that woman?
Murray: I just told her that Bill was so crushed after his wife left that he wasn't ready for another relationship.
Beverly: Why?
Murray: It was just all happening too fast. I saw you all these years destroyed by love, and I didn't want to see it happen again.
Bill Lewis: But Dolores makes me happy.
Murray: I was just looking out for you, buddy.
Bill Lewis: If you were really my buddy, you wouldn't have sucker-punched my heart.
Murray: Bill...
Bill Lewis: No, Murray! Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm meant to be alone. I knew I didn't need to get my doorbell fixed.

Murray: Listen, what I said about not wanting you to get hurt? It's true. I meant it.
Bill Lewis: I appreciate that.
Murray: Here's the thing... I don't have a lot of people in my life. You're my friend. My one friend.
Bill Lewis: Right back at you.
Murray: We spend every Sunday watching TV at my house, and the thought of that not happening...
Bill Lewis: That's a thought you don't need to have. There's not a woman in the world that can come between me and my best bud.
Murray: Really?
Bill Lewis: Really. Now bring it in. Let old Bill get his arms around you.

Murray: L-L-Let me give this a try. [sighs heavily] Hey, Bill. I thought you were crazy about this lady.
Bill Lewis: Like beans love weenies. That's also our nicknames for each other. I'm beans.
Murray: Well, then, what's the problem?
Bill Lewis: I've been burned by the marriage game once. Do you know I spent the last six years sleeping on an empty waterbed?
Murray: That sounds terribly uncomfortable.
Bill Lewis: I just haven't had anyone to fill it for, you know?
Murray: Now you got Dolores to fill it for you.
Bill Lewis: What if she leaves me, too? I can't go through it again.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Bill Lewis was crabbed! My mom's big murder-mystery party had gotten something even better... a real almost murder.
Beverly: Can you believe it? Someone tried to kill Bill. This is the best!
Dolores: Not for Bill! He's still a little splotchy around the tummy and neck.
Bill Lewis: Only the woman that loves me would want to study my nooks and crannies.
Beverly: Or maybe it's an act to throw us off her scent. Clearly, Dolores crabbed you to collect on your ample life insurance.
Bill Lewis: Please. She's the breadwinner. If anything, I'd crab her.
Dolores: Aw!

Adam: Yeah, you're gonna maybe want to follow your friend?
Bill Lewis: Oh, this bed is like a cloud's lap. [moans]

Murray: Well, I have something more traditional, something that a lot of people like.
Formica Mike: Unh-unh, not so fast. Sir, follow me, and park your keister on this kisser.
Bill Lewis: I don't think... Wow. That's a lot more comfort than I expected. It's so fun and red.
Murray: Well, uh, if you like Mr. Red, then you'll like his best friend, Mr. Brown. Come on over here and check out this corduroy beauty.
Formica Mike: You seem to me like you have a beautiful woman in your life. One with gorgeous lips.
Bill Lewis: Dolores does have a sensational smoocher.
Formica Mike: Wouldn't this piece be a testament to your beautiful Dolores and her magnificent lips?
Bill Lewis: Man, I just came in here looking for a place to park in front of the tube, but you've made this red lip couch come to life with meaning.
Murray: I feel like you came in here with one couch in mind, and you should probably stick to that.
Formica Mike: Here's what I'm gonna do, and this is only because I like you... half-off.
Bill Lewis: Wow, that's a hell of a bargain!
Murray: You want a bargain?! I'll give you anything in the store for free if you just leave now.

Bill Lewis: Come on, Murray, the boy has clearly been dreaming about this for a couple of hours. Saying no will destroy his afternoon.
Vic: Or possibly ours, when he throws one of his famous hissy fits.
Murray: Not gonna happen.
Vic: Or maybe Murray won't help because he actually never played.
Bill Lewis: [as Murray] I'm Murray Goldberg. I love TV and chairs. [Vic laughs] And everyone's a moron!
Murray: Toss me the ball.
Vic: Wait, wait. What's happening? And why is he moving?
Murray: When I say "go," toss that pillow across the room.
Bill Lewis: Oh, my God, he's breaking in half! Oh, no, he's just bending over.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As my mom went to make a sale, Barry was looking to profit from my dad's football expertise.
Vic: [chuckles] Yeah. Look at this. Oh, to be young and delusional about one's athletic ability.
Barry: Yep, I'm blessed. What's first, Coach Dad?
Murray: Don't call me that. And I'm not helping you until you show me a tiny bit of skill and a willingness to listen.
Barry: I'll show you 10 times that.
Murray: Oh!
Barry: Professional hike!
Bill Lewis: Oh! [groans] I need that mirror! How will I merge?

Vic: You know, Mur, a week ago, if you told me that your son could make the Eagles, uh, I'd say you were crazy.
Bill Lewis: Oh, my God! That little guy got bent in ways no human should bend!
Vic: he human elbow's not located there.