Adam: Then Dad ruined the game 'cause he wasn't paying attention. No one could tell, but he felt bad!
Beverly: Your father doesn't feel regret.
Essie Karp: Or shame or modesty or common social decency.
Adam: Not typically, but tonight, he wanted to fix things and didn't know how. He did know Bill had a mild allergy, so he killed the lights... [all gasp and exclaim] ...and smashed a light bulb for dramatic effect! [glass shatters] Under cover of darkness, he grabbed a crab cake and jammed it into a mushroom cap. Bill took a bite and went down. [groans]
Virginia Kremp: I suppose that makes some sense, but what about my coat?
Adam: Simple. While we were all busy bickering... "Your tile's hideous." "There's no crab heaven." "I enjoy her shape"... That gave Dad time to find the closest thing he could to a weapon... Mom's bedazzling gun.
Beverly: [gasps] Murray. Is that true?
Murray: What gave me away? [thunder crashes]
Adam: The mid-party bath. You were so overheated by frolicking amok, committing heinous acts, you had to cool your body down.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, I loved a good mystery, whether it was UFOs or who shot J.R., the Bermuda Triangle, or what was in New Coke. So it was no mystery that I loved the movie Clue. I was so obsessed, I even took my own mom to go see it.
Beverly: I loved it.
Adam: Was it the mystery? The crime most foul? The snooty butler?
Beverly: It was the swanky party.
Adam: Wha?
Beverly: All those people dressed to the nines and eating fancy foods and discussing nonsense. That is my dream.
Adam: But I think the nonsense they were discussing was a murder of a colleague.
Beverly: How fun would that be, solving the brutal stabbing of a good friend?
Adam: I guess you could throw your own murder-mystery party.
Beverly: Yes! And it'll be the social event of the year and every year after that until I die and my friends gather to solve that crime.

Adam: I'll script the whole thing! It'll be a night full of danger, dialogue, and distrust!
Murray: Can you guys keep it down? I'm watching Dukes of Hazzard.
Adam: Dad, we're planning a murder-mystery party. It's gonna be fun.
Murray: Fun? N-No thank you.
Beverly: Look at me. We're doing this.
Murray: Look at me. Over my dead body.
Adam: Yes! He can be the dead body.
Murray: Sounds like too much work.
Adam: This is the perfect amount of work for you. You just have to exist.
Murray: 'Cause movement of any kind is a deal breaker.
Adam: I'll murder you quick. I promise.
Murray: Fine.
Beverly: Yay! Murray's kinda in. A Goldbergs murder-mystery party. How have we not done this? Yay!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was January 13th, 1980-something, and Erica was about to get a major reality check.
Dean: Ms. Goldberg, any idea why I've called you into the dean's office?
Erica: You want to put me on your famous list? Is there, like, a cash prize, or is it just something worthless like honor?
Dean: Weirdly, the Dean's List is not generated by the dean but a provost...
Erica: Can we just get to it? I have a puppetry class in ten.
Dean: Well, that's why we're here. It seems you haven't declared a major yet.
Erica: But I'm only a sophomore. Can't I just keep sampling classes until something strikes my fancy?
Dean: That depends. Are you a member of the well-heeled patrician class where money is no object?
Erica: My dad's had the same three pairs of pants since I've known him, so not so much.

Erica: Hey, oceanography. Bing, bang, boom. My life path is settled!
Geoff: But you hate the ocean. You said it's God's toilet.
Erica: Fair. Computer science. Hello, future. It's me, Erica. Let's do this.
Geoff: You're really gonna program computers?
Erica: Is that what that means?

Erica: Barry, I don't wanna hear it.
Barry: So you are aware that I'm a bio major with a pre-med concentration...
Erica: Oh, you're gonna be a doctor? I got worried because you hadn't said it in six seconds.
Barry: How dare you? I have never mentioned my career in the life-saving arts.
[montage:]
Barry: I shall be a doctor.
Barry: Doctor.
Barry: Doctor.
Barry: Brain doctor.
Andy: Doctor.
Barry: Doctor.
Naked Rob: Doctor.
Barry: Doctor Tasty's ready to save lives.

Erica: No one cares.
Barry: Dr. Milgrom does. He gave me an internship this summer.
Erica: Well, have fun mopping up bodily fluids while Geoff and I hit the beach.
Geoff: Uh, actually, I'm interning, too.
Erica: What? But you're a freshman!
Geoff: You seem upset. I'll just cancel it.

Barry: Point is, "Undeclared-ica," you either know what you want to do with your life, me, or you float around like a turd in a toilet, you.
Erica: I'm not a turd.
Barry: [chuckles] Said the turd.
Geoff: Don't listen to him, babe. You're not a turd. Turds can't talk.
Erica: When you defend me, it's worse.
Geoff: It was a tough area.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As Erica was spinning out, our murder-mystery party was revving up.
Adam: Places, everyone! The suspects are arriving soon. [breathes deeply] Is there anything better than opening night?
Murray: Yes, the end of the night, when we close the door.
Adam: Dad, where's the rest of your costume?
Murray: I came up with some new backstory for my character. He doesn't care.
Adam: But I do. Put some cloth between my eyes and that.
Murray: I don't take notes.
Beverly: Murray, your murder kicks off the entire night. Put these on now.
Murray: What I do for you people.

Bill Lewis: Hi. We're here for the murder. Ha! That's not something people say.