Dave Kim: I always thought poker players were insufferable, but not when it's us!
Barry: Pssht! No one ever learned stuff from a book. I'll teach you everything you need to know.
Dave Kim: Is that a Popsicle shaped like a baseball glove?
Barry: Dave Kim knows his sports foods.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] I had upped the ante and teamed with Pop-Pop for a poker party. All I had to do was round up a crew for a legendary night.
Adam: Check it! Everyone gets their own pouch of Big League Chew. We can act like we're dipping tobacco, but, really, we're enjoying mediocre gum!
Barry: [Southern accent] Candy and decorations? Y'all gonna make Tex Monte Carlo look like a fool.
Adam: Tex Monte Carlo?
Beverly: I'm an international riverboat gambler and man of justice. I get into and out of danger, usually involving money, women, or both.
Adam: Well, take it back to the mighty Mississippi because you're not invited.
Pop-Pop: Monte stays. Besides, we can use a cooler.
Barry: I am the coolest.
Adam: A cooler is an unlucky person who "cools" someone on a hot streak.
Barry: Whatever. At least I'm not bringing jelly beans to a poker party.
Pop-Pop: Monte's right. This place looks like The Good Ship Lollipop. Come on. We got to liven the vibe here.
Adam: Ooh, like a nice Greek platter with pita and cheeses and hummus.
Pop-Pop: Not at all. And don't get me started with the Greeks. Come on, come on, let's go.

Pop-Pop: See, the reason that Atlantic City plies people with stogies, booze, and broads is that the less clear the head, the more cash they drop.
Adam: Bar, is it okay that Pop-Pop's buying us beer, smokes, and smut?
Barry: Adam, this man is your grandfather. Honor him and grab me that Playboy with La Toya Jackson on the cover.
Pop-Pop: Hey, stop slow-dancing with each other! Let's go. Someone's gotta pay.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, the night was going better than expected. Until this happened.
Beverly: [enters] What in the [bleep]?!
Adam: Mom, before you get upset, I can explain! Barry, explain!
Barry: Mm-hmm. Simple. I came to keep Adam from the seductive and lonely life of a professional card player.
Beverly: Then why are you dressed like Kenny Rogers from "The Gambler"?
Barry: That guy dresses like me! [gasps] I'm so sorry!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] After my mom crashed the party, it went from epic poker night to epic poker nightmare.
Adam: What's Mom doing in the kitchen?!
Barry: Deciding the best way to kill us. Obviously, the answer is ice bullets. They melt fast, leave no trace, but she may go her own way.

Adam: You sure you want to bet? I've already won everything you own. Your car keys, your hockey trophy, your mint-condition Mike Schmidt card. [Barry groans] And the spear gun you bought after you saw Jaws.
Barry: That spear gun is for home protection! And I'm gonna win it all back right now starting with this hand. I raise you $100.
Adam: You have 90 cents.
Barry: Then I raise you 90 cents.
Adam: You're clearly bluffing.
Barry: [lowers shades] Am I?
Adam: For sure. I call with a queen-high flush.
Barry: Dammit! Are my emotions so easy to discern?!
Adam: Yep, I read you like a book.
Barry: This game sucks!
Adam: Also your cards reflect in your glasses.

Barry: Dear sister. Back from the City of Angels. Did you get me a tiny Oscar that says "Best Brother"?
Erica: I don't have the energy for Barry time. Just tell me where Geoff is.
Barry: [sighs] I have no idea. Too busy grabbing life by the horns to check in with Big Tasty.
Erica: Really? Geoff's doing well?
Barry: He's crushing life. He's looking jacked, feeling jacked. Hell, he's even seeing a new jacked lady.
Erica: A lady? What lady? Like, a real lady with eyes and feet?
Barry: All the parts. In fact, she's from Australia. Her name's Paula Hogan. Plays a fierce didgeridoo. [laughs] So unexpected and haunting. Anyway, may I take a message?
Erica: I guess just say hey and congrats on landing a super muscular Australian lady named Paula. Or no message.
Barry: Bye. [closes door]
Geoff: What the hell, Barry? Why would you say that?
Barry: The best lies are specific and upsetting.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While my dad helped me get Dave Kim to prom, Geoff was stuck on how to get Erica back.
Geoff: JTP.
All: JTP!
Geoff: It's come to my attention that before I see Erica again, I need to get out of my funk and become the best version of myself.
Matt: Good for you!
Naked Rob: Amen to that.
Andy: I am way behind this idea, too, but can we pause to find out what Barry is wearing?
Barry: What? These are the threads of the manliest man on the planet.
Geoff: He's obsessed with Crocodile Dundee, and it's bleeding into everything he does.
Barry: You should stop questioning it and embrace your inner Dundee, too.
Geoff: That's not a thing.

Barry: You still love Erica, right?
Geoff: More than anything.
Barry: Well, she'll never want you back in this pitiful state.
Geoff: I wouldn't say "pitiful."
Barry: If hot, wet garbage had a butt, you'd be it. The silver lining: this is a chance to become the new and improved Geoff of Erica's dreams.
Geoff: I mean, that is sort of what I'm going for.
Barry: And with that, the floor is open to how Geoff can be less of a sad puddle of despair that everyone despises.
Naked Rob: You could start with basic personal hygiene.
Andy: You could grow a beard.
Matt: And proper diet and exercise are always a good idea.

Matt: So, what are you gonna try first?
Geoff: Let's throw caution to the wind and try some medium-spicy salsa.
Andy: All right. Got one loaded up for ya.
Geoff: I'm not ready.
Barry: Geoff. You think Crocodile Dundee was just born with instincts to outwit a deadly wombat?
Geoff: A what?
Barry: I think it's either a small bear or a fat squirrel.
Geoff: Okay, if I eat the chip, do you promise to never bring up Crocodile Dundee again?
Barry: No promises, Alligator Schwartz. Eat the Dorito.