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Alligator Schwartz

‘Alligator Schwartz’

Season 8, Episode 21 - Aired May 12, 2021

Adam tries to find Dave Kim a date for prom so they all go together. Meanwhile, Barry leads Erica to believe that Geoff has started dating someone new.

Quote from Barry

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, Australia was everywhere. We went mad for Men at Work and all-in on Olivia Newton-John. But for my brother Barry, the only Aussie that mattered was Crocodile Dundee.
Barry: He's stepping on those New Yorkers with boots covered in kangaroo dung, and they love him for it!
Geoff: And who deserves to live happily ever after more than a leathery Australian man who threatens city folk with a giant knife?
Barry: Stop being mopey. It's annoying.
Geoff: I'm sorry if my lack of joy inconveniences you. I'm still reeling from my break-up with your sister.
Barry: When a bloke loses his Sheila, it's worse than when a dingo steals your baby.
Geoff: Your words are nonsense, but your tone is comforting, so thank you, I guess?

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Quote from Barry

Barry: Probably the case of Vegemite I ordered. I bought a ton because there's no way it's not delicious.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Dear sister. Back from the City of Angels. Did you get me a tiny Oscar that says "Best Brother"?
Erica: I don't have the energy for Barry time. Just tell me where Geoff is.
Barry: [sighs] I have no idea. Too busy grabbing life by the horns to check in with Big Tasty.
Erica: Really? Geoff's doing well?
Barry: He's crushing life. He's looking jacked, feeling jacked. Hell, he's even seeing a new jacked lady.
Erica: A lady? What lady? Like, a real lady with eyes and feet?
Barry: All the parts. In fact, she's from Australia. Her name's Paula Hogan. Plays a fierce didgeridoo. [laughs] So unexpected and haunting. Anyway, may I take a message?
Erica: I guess just say hey and congrats on landing a super muscular Australian lady named Paula. Or no message.
Barry: Bye. [closes door]
Geoff: What the hell, Barry? Why would you say that?
Barry: The best lies are specific and upsetting.

Quote from Murray

Adult Adam: [v.o.] There was no way I could choose between my girl and my best friend. So in a desperate move, I went to the only other person home.
Adam: Dad, I need your help.
Murray: I'm saving my energy for a trip to the kitchen later.
Adam: What about Mom?
Murray: Great idea. She can bring me food from the kitchen.
Adam: Why is it when I don't need advice, everyone has some, but when I do need it, you're the only one here?
Murray: Just say the thing.
Adam: Fine. I'm excited to go to prom with Brea, but Dave Kim doesn't want to go. What do I do?
Murray: The kid who wears glasses in the pool can't get a date to prom?
Adam: How'd you know that?
Murray: The only reason you wouldn't go to prom is 'cause you don't have a date.
Adam: So, you're saying if he did have a date, I wouldn't have to choose?
Murray: I don't know. I stopped listening after I was done talking.

Quote from Barry

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While my dad helped me get Dave Kim to prom, Geoff was stuck on how to get Erica back.
Geoff: JTP.
All: JTP!
Geoff: It's come to my attention that before I see Erica again, I need to get out of my funk and become the best version of myself.
Matt: Good for you!
Naked Rob: Amen to that.
Andy: I am way behind this idea, too, but can we pause to find out what Barry is wearing?
Barry: What? These are the threads of the manliest man on the planet.
Geoff: He's obsessed with Crocodile Dundee, and it's bleeding into everything he does.
Barry: You should stop questioning it and embrace your inner Dundee, too.
Geoff: That's not a thing.

Quote from Barry

Barry: You still love Erica, right?
Geoff: More than anything.
Barry: Well, she'll never want you back in this pitiful state.
Geoff: I wouldn't say "pitiful."
Barry: If hot, wet garbage had a butt, you'd be it. The silver lining: this is a chance to become the new and improved Geoff of Erica's dreams.
Geoff: I mean, that is sort of what I'm going for.
Barry: And with that, the floor is open to how Geoff can be less of a sad puddle of despair that everyone despises.
Naked Rob: You could start with basic personal hygiene.
Andy: You could grow a beard.
Matt: And proper diet and exercise are always a good idea.

Quote from Geoff

Geoff: No, something big. Something that would show Erica that I've sampled life.
Barry: [gasps] How about stalking and killing a croc and making a vest out of its supple belly skin?
Geoff: Or I've always wanted to try darts.
Naked Rob: You've never played darts before?
Geoff: 'Cause what if I miss and I hit a foreign dignitary and I trigger an international squabble that spirals into World War III?
Barry: I'm writing it down.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] With that, Geoff came up with the most underwhelming bucket list ever.

Quote from Barry

Matt: So, what are you gonna try first?
Geoff: Let's throw caution to the wind and try some medium-spicy salsa.
Andy: All right. Got one loaded up for ya.
Geoff: I'm not ready.
Barry: Geoff. You think Crocodile Dundee was just born with instincts to outwit a deadly wombat?
Geoff: A what?
Barry: I think it's either a small bear or a fat squirrel.
Geoff: Okay, if I eat the chip, do you promise to never bring up Crocodile Dundee again?
Barry: No promises, Alligator Schwartz. Eat the Dorito.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: [gasps] There she is! Congratulations to the happy couple, together again.
Erica: We're not back together.
Beverly: Oh. Well, in that case... [slides cake into the trash can]
Erica: Mom, that was a whole cake!
Beverly: I make six cakes a day, most of which you never see.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: What happened?
Erica: Geoff's seeing some saucy Aussie named Paula Hogan.
Beverly: Australia? [scoffs] Those people throw shrimps on the barbie with no cheese whatsoever.
Erica: That's definitely the takeaway here. Worst of all, I had to hear it from Barry.
Beverly: Wait, so you didn't talk to Geoff?
Erica: So?
Beverly: So, I love your brother with every fiber of my being, but he's a barely functioning human.
Erica: Wait, are you actually admitting one of your children might have a flaw?
Beverly: Please. He is a perfect angel without any fault or weakness. But 100% yes. We've gotta find out the truth.

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