Barry: Boom! Barry did it! Barry got in! Everyone wants Barry!
Murray: Whoo-hoo! That makes three colleges!
Barry: But this is the one, baby! Best pre-med program on the East Coast.
Murray: The best!
Barry: Screw you, garbage safety schools Ithaca and Bucknell.
Murray: [chuckles] You're garbage. We don't need you now.

Barry: I will not leave until you hear my airtight presentation of why I should be the one who goes to Penn.
Erica: Really, dude?
Barry: Geoffrey, wheel in the presentation cart.
Murray: Don't need a presentation. You both can go to the damn college.
Erica: Just let the dumbass do his thing and then he'll go away.
Barry: This will only take 80 minutes of your time. It includes a speech, slideshow, rap interlude, Q&A, intermission with kosher salami, followed by an elegant closing ceremony, and surprise T-shirt giveaway.
Geoff: They're all men's mediums.

Barry: Query! Let's say a certain applicant lied to admissions about flunking out of music college. Would Penn wanna know about it?
Dean: That's an extremely specific question, but I guess we'd look into it. Now, about declaring a major-
Erica: Would it also be concerning if another applicant was so selfish that he'd jeopardize his sister's future, and also once he pooped on the bus?
Dean: Another very specific question. I think I misheard you. What happened on the bus?
Barry: I can speak to that hypothetical and assure you that only happened 'cause the facilities at Colonial Williamsburg were inadequate.
Erica: Would the school also reconsider an applicant because he challenged a horse to a fight on more than one occasion?
Barry: Or is that the kind of passionate individual Penn is looking for?
Dean: No. Definitely not.
Barry: Should the university be aware that a certain student once sling-shotted her training bra at Donnie Wahlberg at a New Kids concert?
Erica: Should the university also be aware that another certain student practiced kissing on a Miss Piggy puppet?
Barry: Hey! The university must know the facts! You accepted an incoming freshman who was busted in kindergarten for eating paste.
Erica: How dare you?! And it had glitter in it.
Barry: Regardless, you accepted a student who will ruin my life!

Barry: My plan for this summer is to spend as much time as I can with Adam.
Matt: Beautiful, bro.
Naked Rob: Goosebumps.
Barry: Yes, that's why I made him this in wood shop.
Matt: Maybe instead of an archaic homemade weapon, you just tell Adam what he means to you.
Barry: I will tell him with the paddle.
Naked Rob: Yeah, I'm not sure that's what the paddle is saying.
Andy: If anything, it says "nerd basher."
Barry: Yeah. As in for the bashing of nerds. How are you not getting this?

Adam: Barry, I got to tell you something.
Barry: I got to tell you something, too.
Adam: Mine's bad, so me first.
Barry: No, trust me. Mine's way worse. So shut your face and sit down. I've realized something huge today when I went back to the locker I stuffed you in.
Adam: To let me out?
Barry: To fart through the air vents. But you were gone and then it hit me. Somehow Matt Bradley was right. All these years, I've been wedging underwear in your butt crack when I should have been wedging love in your heart crack. Which is why I need you to know I love you, bro, with all my heart.

Principal Ball: So, for the first time in William Penn's storied history, we have no valedictory speech.
Barry: Not so fast! I got tons of stuff to say.
Beverly: Ah. [bleep].
Principal Ball: Mr. Goldberg, there is absolutely no world in which I would let you touch-
Barry: Thank you for those kind words, sir.
Pops: Oh, this just got good.
Barry: Welcome, parents, fellow students, esteemed faculty, JTP.
All: JTP.
Barry: I'm Barry Goldberg. You might know me from the time my mom body slammed me at a wrestling tournament. Or when I showed up to school dressed as Boy George. Or last night when I put on a break-dancing show that had some very mixed reviews. But that's the amazing thing about this school. Every time I fell, there was always someone there to pick me up. I learned a lot here, but mostly, this place taught me to never be afraid to fail, and I know everyone sitting behind me feels the same way.
Murray: Would you look at that? Our moron did good.

Barry: I'm not going to Disneyland! I'm a grown adult man who will be starting a fully accredited university in a week.
Pops: But you love that Snow White. You've had a crush on her since you could talk. Which was late for your age. But still.
Barry: Sure, Ms. White has pretty hair and she's patient with those dwarves in a way you know you'd just vibe with her, but not at all!

Barry: Attention, uneducated masses! As you all know, I'll be attending college in a week, so I need to be in tip-top shape... Mind and body.
Pops: Is that why you're holding your mom's titanium leg pretzel?
Barry: This thigh-blasting machine is my ticket to physical dominance.
Murray: Just do your dumb thing in the car.

Barry: Hello? Do I spy a food-stained Flyers shirt similar to my own?
Gary Silverberg: Yep.
Barry: Barry Goldberg. Friends call me Big Tasty.
Gary Silverberg: Gary Silverberg, AKA G-Licious.
Barry: We seem well-matched, but tell me, do you know karate?
Gary Silverberg: Yaah!
Barry: I'll take that as a destructive yes. And I, uh, see you have turntables, too?
Gary Silverberg: Yep, but I am still looking for an MC to spit some fiery rhymes.
Barry: My guy, I spit fiery rhymes 24/7. [rapping] My name is Barry [Gary beatboxes] Your name is Gary We're like the same person It's kinda scary

Murray: It's nacho time.
Barry: Wait, you made food? For us?
Erica: What's your game, man?
Murray: Can't a man make a traditional Mexican snack for his kids?
Barry: Oh, no! Those aren't beans! What's in my mouth?
Murray: I don't know. I just got a can out of the pantry.
Erica: I think those are whole cranberries.
Barry: Cranberries? The Mexican people don't work with tart bog fruit! What did you do?
Murray: Just eat around the bog fruit!