Geoff: I know, and having to write a speech on top of everything else completely implodes my jam-packed Filofax schedule.
Erica: What the hell am I looking at right now?
Geoff: My summer broken down and planned to the minute.
Erica: Dude, you have two jobs and five summer school classes and an internship at LensCrafters.
Geoff: Not enough?
Erica: It's more than enough. You even scheduled bathroom breaks.
Geoff: It's either Wednesdays at 4:00 or not at all.

Beverly: How's Geoffrey feeling?
Erica: Like his body has been ravaged by shingles.
Beverly: [breathes sharply] That is wonderful news!
Erica: The sooner I ask, the sooner I can start regretting asking. Why is Geoff's pain wonderful news?
Beverly: You've locked down every yenta's dream a man so concerned with your future that he's made himself sick.
Erica: And why exactly is that good?
Beverly: He loves you so much he's willing to do anything to provide for you. Of course, his stress rashes will continue, and all his hair will fall out, and his tired body will break till he forms a widow's hump.
Erica: Ew. I don't want a rashy bald hunchback for a husband.
Beverly: You'd be so lucky. Every day, I thank God that I have a man who would exhaust himself into that- [Murray snores] - for me and this family. Murray, don't eat Ritz crackers in your sleep! You'll choke to death! Where were we?
Erica: We were just wrapping up your positive spin on having to watch your husband breathe. Enjoy the rest of your day.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Since my mom was the one that put Geoff back on track, she knew it was her job to help him.
Geoff: Webster's Dictionary defines "Webster" as a sitcom about an adorable, pocket-sized boy. Hold for laughter. You know, if there's one thing that this school's done for me, it's [snorts] helped me find my voice. My throat is dry. In the immortal words of Mahatma Gandhi, is it me or is it hot in here? Gandhi did not said that. I said that because I'm drenched in fear right now. Although he could have said that. We don't know. He was hot in India. So, in conclusion, I ask you, do you see floating spots? 'Cause there's, like, so many.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Growing up, there was nothing better than the magical last week of school. It all began with crafting the perfect yearbook message.
Carla: How long is this?
Dave Kim: Six pages, front and back. How long is yours?
Carla: One sentence.
Dave Kim: "You are my turtle-necked stallion." This is the greatest thing anyone's ever written me!

Barry: My plan for this summer is to spend as much time as I can with Adam.
Matt: Beautiful, bro.
Naked Rob: Goosebumps.
Barry: Yes, that's why I made him this in wood shop.
Matt: Maybe instead of an archaic homemade weapon, you just tell Adam what he means to you.
Barry: I will tell him with the paddle.
Naked Rob: Yeah, I'm not sure that's what the paddle is saying.
Andy: If anything, it says "nerd basher."
Barry: Yeah. As in for the bashing of nerds. How are you not getting this?

Beverly: Hey, Schmoo. What's with the measuring?
Adam: Well, now that Barry's off to Penn, I'm gonna turn his room into my private toy sanctuary, where I can display all my collectible action figures.
Beverly: Oh, no, you won't.
Adam: I have to! Displaying collectibles is how adult boys play with toys.

Beverly: Barry's room will always stay exactly the same, so that, at any moment, I can come in and sniff his pillowcases and pretend that nothing's changed.
Adam: So, basically, it's a shrine that supports your wildly unhealthy attachment to your children?
Beverly: You want to turn this into a toy museum, so who's the weird one here?

Geoff: Erica, oh, sweet lord, Erica. I just got the worst news ever.
Erica: Oh, my God! What is it?! Did something happen to your family?!
Geoff: Worse! I have the highest GPA in my graduating class, and I'm valedictorian.
Erica: Damn it, Geoff. You scared the crap out of me.
Geoff: You should be scared. I now have to write a moving graduation speech. Do you have any idea what happens when I have to speak in a public forum?
Erica: Yes, you get slight performance anxiety-
Geoff: Crippling stage fright.
Erica: Crippling stage fright. I didn't want to say it, but that's what it is.

Beverly: Oh, son of a bitch! Erica, step away from that boy and go wash your hands.
Erica: What?!
Beverly: Geoffrey has a scorching case of the shingles.
Geoff: Shingles? No! Isn't that a virus for sad, old people?
Beverly: Oh, for sure. But it's also brought on by overwhelming stress.
Geoff: I have overwhelming stress! That describes me perfectly!
Erica: Geoff, look at me. I'm telling you as an absolute fact you don't have the shingles.
[cut to:]
Lou Schwartz: Geoff has the shingles.
Erica: What? Is he okay?
Geoff: No, I'm not okay! I'm soaking in a tub of oatmeal!
Lou Schwartz: Just stay in the healing breakfast bath, son! Doctor's orders!
Geoff: Please stop standing outside the door! This bath is delicious and humiliating!

Principal Ball: Mr. Goldberg, you're way too big and old to be playing in the lockers.
Adam: Playing? My stupid brother Barry impressively crammed me in there.
Principal Ball: Good news for many is, he's graduating. He's moving on.
Adam: Thank God, but how?
Principal Ball: You pass your classes, you do your community service boom, done. To be honest, you just got to keep the herd moving.
Adam: Clearly. Barry didn't even do any.
Principal Ball: So, you're saying Barry did no community service at all?
Adam: [laughs nervously] I was I was just kidding. Um, Barry actually organized a community soup garden 10k run for food and, also, blood and shoes. And comfort dogs.
Principal Ball: That's clearly not real.
Adam: Clearly.