Erica: [congested] Happy Mother's Day. Sorry, but so much sinus pressure.
Beverly: Oh, no! Your cold got worse.
Adam: Aw, come on! She's clearly faking!
Beverly: Shame on you, Adam! For the past week, I have been closely monitoring Erica's cough, sniffles, sore throat, sour tummy, and uncontrollable eye twitch.
Erica: See? It does it on its own 'cause it's real.

Erica: And that's how you get out of honoring your mother. That's right. For weeks, I've been planting seeds of worry. A tiny cough here, a body ache there, every day a calculated move leading to this very moment.
Adam: Bastard genius!

Barry: Boom! Barry did it! Barry got in! Everyone wants Barry!
Murray: Whoo-hoo! That makes three colleges!
Barry: But this is the one, baby! Best pre-med program on the East Coast.
Murray: The best!
Barry: Screw you, garbage safety schools Ithaca and Bucknell.
Murray: [chuckles] You're garbage. We don't need you now.

Murray: Peanut, you did it!
Barry: How is this even happening?
Erica: Well, it was a hard year, and once my band was causing me more stress than joy, Geoff made me realize that I really needed some direction.
Geoff: All I did was get her transcripts, fill out the applications, and then cash in my Bar Mitzvah bonds to cover the fees.
Murray: I always liked this kid.

Adam: So, that's the end of that? We good?
Beverly: We're great. Just look at all the stuff our faces are on! Mugs, keychain, welcome mat, blankie, car seat cover, baby bib, beach towel!
Adam: Why would I want a towel of us?
Beverly: Uh, so when you're at the beach or getting out of the shower, you can remember who loves you most?
Adam: And here I thought it was weird.

Adam: Doesn't matter, I'm off to go see "Willow." Ta!
Beverly: No "ta"! I made us reservations for brunch and Flamenco lessons and a couple's foot soak.
Adam: While that all sounds fun and also gross, you promised I could go see "Willow."
Beverly: I didn't promise "Willow." You want "Willow," but I think we both know there will be no "Willows" of any kind today.
Adam: You don't understand. "Willow" is the most important movie in a generation.
Beverly: And I'm the most important mom in a generation! Mom trumps "Willow."

Adam: Mornin', Sunshine.
Pops: Morning?
Adam: Looks like Mom's still mad and didn't make breakfast. But joke's on her 'cause we got Nintendo Cereal System!
Pops: Kiddo? Aren't you supposed to be at school?
Adam: Nah, it's only 11:30?! Balls! Nobody woke me up!
Pops: Well, don't you have an alarm clock?
Adam: I don't need one 'cause Mom always... Oh.

Dave Kim: Dude, you missed our English lit presentation.
Adam: I overslept 'cause my mom didn't wake me.
Dave Kim: Don't you have an alarm clock?
Adam: Why does everyone keep harping on this clock thing? You don't need one when you have a loving mother!

Carla: Hey, babe.
Adam: Ugh. It's still weird that you two are a thing.
Carla: Hells yeah we are. [Dave and Carla kiss] Um, your friend is totally watching us.
Adam: No! I turned my head. My lazy eye is still on you.
Carla: You're a freaky little guy, huh?
Adam: I'm just gonna walk away entirely.

Barry: I will not leave until you hear my airtight presentation of why I should be the one who goes to Penn.
Erica: Really, dude?
Barry: Geoffrey, wheel in the presentation cart.
Murray: Don't need a presentation. You both can go to the damn college.
Erica: Just let the dumbass do his thing and then he'll go away.
Barry: This will only take 80 minutes of your time. It includes a speech, slideshow, rap interlude, Q&A, intermission with kosher salami, followed by an elegant closing ceremony, and surprise T-shirt giveaway.
Geoff: They're all men's mediums.