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‘Vacation’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Goldbergs: Vacation

701. Vacation

Aired September 25, 2019

Before Barry and Erica leave for college, Beverly is determined to spend family time together with a National Lampoon's Vacation-inspired trip across America.

Quote from Adam

Beverly: So we're gonna take one last unforgettable family vacation before everybody starts the next big chapter in their lives! What do you say?
Pops: We love you, but pass.
Beverly: You're gonna pass on a trip to Disneyland?
Adam: Oh, balls!
Erica: I love you now!
Beverly: Ah, that's right! Embrace your mama!
Adam: Star Wars just opened a ride there! It's called "Star Tours"! You get to travel to the forest moon of Endor!
Beverly: Well, I "Endor" you. Boop!
Adam: Even you can't ruin this. Star Wars teaming up with Disney is just so big! Sure, I wish they'd dedicate a whole land to Star Wars, but that's just a little boy's dream!

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Quote from Barry

Barry: I'm not going to Disneyland! I'm a grown adult man who will be starting a fully accredited university in a week.
Pops: But you love that Snow White. You've had a crush on her since you could talk. Which was late for your age. But still.
Barry: Sure, Ms. White has pretty hair and she's patient with those dwarves in a way you know you'd just vibe with her, but not at all!

Quote from Pops

Adam: Who cares! I can't believe we're flying to California!
Beverly: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! That won't give me enough time squished together with my squishies. [chuckles] We're driving!
Adam: To the airport and then we're flying?
Erica: When will I learn not to hug until I hear all of the details?
Beverly: It'll be just like the Griswolds. We're gonna see America!
Pops: This America? I've seen it. It's all corn.

Quote from Murray

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was the last week of summer, 1980-something, and the Goldbergs were about to hit the road. Of course that meant my dad was excited about one thing, saving money.
Murray: Lose the bathrobe.
Adam: It's a traditional Jedi cloak revered the galaxy over.
Murray: Well, I'd revere a tank top if I were you, because I'm not using the air conditioning.
Beverly: You're not cheaping out on this trip, Murray. We have to make it perfect so that no matter how old they get or where they are in the world, they'll want to do this for years to come.
Murray: An annual trip? I was just sitting, enjoying my cookies. Now our financial future is in doubt?
Pops: Good news, everyone! I'm bringing my banjo.
Murray: No.
Pops: Roger that.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Attention, uneducated masses! As you all know, I'll be attending college in a week, so I need to be in tip-top shape... Mind and body.
Pops: Is that why you're holding your mom's titanium leg pretzel?
Barry: This thigh-blasting machine is my ticket to physical dominance.
Murray: Just do your dumb thing in the car.

Quote from Geoff

Erica: You really don't want to come and be jammed in a station wagon with my family for a week? And I answered my own question.
Geoff: Look, I'll be on the road, too. The Dead have four more concerts left this summer. I'm hoping by the last one, I finally like them.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Yeah, you keep calling yourself a college man, but come next week, you're in for a rude awakening.
Barry: What's that supposed to mean?
Adam: It means you might be in college, but you're just gonna be a lowly freshman, totally starting from scratch socially.
Barry: Have you not seen the work I've been doing on my thighs? College is gonna love me.
Adam: Or the safety of the only world you've known will have vanished, and you'll discover that there's no place for an emotionally out-of-control doof with a thigh device.
Barry: What?! I am not an emotionally out-of-control doof! You are!
Beverly: Adam, quit working your brother up. He's gonna strain his groin.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: You know what's fun? A sing-along! [Erica groans]
Murray: Oh, come on!
Beverly: I'll start us all off. ♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪ ♪ Gently down the stream ♪ Jump in! ♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ♪ ♪ Life is but a dream ♪ Anyone now! ♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪ ♪ Gently down the stream ♪ There's your cue! ♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ♪ ♪ Life is but a dream ♪ Make it yours. ♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪ ♪ Gently down the stream ♪ Just the girls! ♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ♪ ♪ Life is but a dre-e-e-am ♪ [laughs] That was great!

Quote from Pops

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, our vacation was off to a slow start. But somewhere along the open road, things were about to kick into high gear.
Murray: What the hell is this nut job doing? [to attractive woman in a convertible] Hey! Go around!
Beverly: I think she's flirting with you, Murray.
Adam: Whoa, it's just like in the movie! But when you see it in real life, it just comes off as wildly reckless!
Murray: You're being very aggressive!
Beverly: He's spoken for! Show her your wedding ring!
Pops: I think she's eyeballing me. Move your melon, Murray, so I can enchant her with a coy wink.

Quote from Beverly

Murray: This can't be real.
Beverly: Oh, it's real, all right. My fruit guy's nephew was seduced by a road hussy and he woke up in a bathtub missing his kidney, spleen, corneas, and rectum.
Erica: There are road hussies? Geoff's on the road!
Barry: And single.
Erica: We don't know that!

Quote from Erica

Erica: There's no way he's breaking up with me. I mean, look at me. I'm a catch. I guess I am a little bossy, but what man doesn't like that? Damn it! He's so leaving me! Love isn't real!
Bartender: Neither is your ID.
Erica: Oh, sure, you don't have phones, but you check my fake driver's license? Pick a century!

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Murray, the kids aren't gonna go away to college and never come back, right?
Murray: I dunno.
Beverly: Sure they're growing up, but they love us and want to stay in our lives forever!
Murray: I dunno.
Beverly: My children will spend every summer with me until the day I die!
Murray: [mumbles]
Beverly: And even then, they're gonna carry my urn on every vacation they ever take.
Murray: Of course!
Beverly: Well, you're finally agreeing with me?
Murray: Of course they're screwing me at the pump! $9 to fill up a tank?
Beverly: Our babies are choosing to de-latch from our collective bosom and all you care about is gas mileage!
Murray: What do you want from me? I don't know what those morons are gonna do. But I do know they're here now, so let's, uh, drive around or, uh, whatever.
Beverly: That's right! They're with us now! So if we make this trip extra special, they're gonna want to come back for more!
Murray: Yeah, I dunno.

Quote from Erica

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As my mom was trying to keep her family together, my sister was trying to keep her relationship from falling apart.
Erica: [on the phone] Hey, Geoff, it's Erica. Just checking in to see what you meant by, "We need to talk." Probably just wanted to say how we have no problems and we're a perfect couple. Okay, well, have fun on the road, bye!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Unfortunately, she couldn't leave just one message.
Erica: Here's what "We need to talk" means to me. It means we have a problem. So is... Is it me? You're the problem, Geoff! Maybe I don't want you! Come back to me, my widdle Geoffy-weffy. You're a butt! And not just the tiny part of the butt, but the whole mound. The cheeks, the smelly region, all of it.
Lou Schwartz: Okey-doke. I think I got it.
Erica: Thanks, Dr. Schwartz.
Lou Schwartz: Oh, I almost forgot. Geoffrey called and passed on a message of his own.
Erica: What did he say?
Lou Schwartz: He said he needs to tell you in person, but it's big and possibly upsetting.
Erica: That doesn't help at all. It just makes everything worse!
Lou Schwartz: Sure thing, honey. Bye now.

Quote from Beverly

Adam: Look! They got one of those Magic Fingers bed massagers.
Beverly: No! Nobody touch anything until I hit it with some Lysol Pine action.

Quote from Murray

Murray: You know what I think? I think you're all [bleep] in the head.
Barry: Dad!
Adam: Whoa!
Erica: Motel language!
Murray: You're just gonna give up?
Barry: Yeah.
Erica: Kinda.
Adam: Do we have a choice?
Murray: Your mom worked her ass off to plan you a great vacation, and I didn't know why. But, damn it, I do now.
Beverly: Murray, what are you saying?
Murray: I'm not sure about the future, but right here, right now, there's no amount of money I wouldn't spend for my family to have a great vacation.
Adam: Dad's suddenly thoughtful! He must've banged his head in the accident!
Beverly: Are you serious?
Murray: To keep this family together, I would spend every last penny.

Quote from Beverly

Security Guard: Oh, sorry, park's closed.
Adam: What? Oh, no! Someone do something!
Beverly: I'm here! [laughs] Don't worry, schmoo. Mama's got this.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] In that moment, Beverly Goldberg did what she did best... She lied her ass off. She told elaborate, far-fetched tales of our journey. Apparently, we were attacked by bald eagles and a motorcycle gang? There was a tornado, and then a tsunami. And then another tornado. She wove a tapestry of lies so intricate, so beautiful, by the end, none of us knew what was real.
Beverly: ...and that is when little Adam had to help his grandpa by sucking out the venom.
Security Guard: Wow, you guys have been through a whole lot as a family. And you know what? I had no idea there were zebras in Arizona.
Beverly: Zebras are the piranhas of the sand.
Security Guard: Well, you know what? All I meant was the park is closed now. But it opens in 15 minutes.
Beverly: [laughs] Why didn't you say something?
Security Guard: Well, I tried, but you were going on and on and on. But go on in! Come on, the park's all yours!
Beverly: Rusty, you're the best!

Quote from Erica

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the 80's, National Lampoon's Vacation was the best road-trip comedy ever. Yep, the Griswold family tore across America, and no one loved it more than my mom.
Beverly: Yes! This movie has everything I love and deserve! So pack your bags so I can unpack them and then repack them again properly because the Goldbergs are going on vacation!
Erica: I don't know, Mom. That family's trip seemed super stressful and difficult. And they like each other.
Beverly: But we have one week left before Barry and Erica jet off to college.
Barry: It's 10 minutes away.
Erica: On nice days, I might walk.

Quote from Adam

Beverly: And Adam's starting life as a high-school upperclassman.
Adam: Now when the juniors throw food at me... [sniffs] They'll be my peers.
Barry: Such a dork.
Erica: You shame us daily.

Quote from Murray

Erica: Look, I just finished following the Grateful Dead in a van with Geoff. I'm not going back out there.
Barry: Me neither!
Beverly: If you don't, I won't pay for college. Yay, everyone's in!
Murray: What's all the noise? I can barely hear myself eat my creme cookies.
Beverly: We're driving to Disneyland!
Murray: I get the feeling I don't have a say in this.
Beverly: Hmm, I get that feeling, too! Yay!
Murray: Why did I come in here?

Quote from Murray

Beverly: And I got a Polaroid so I can take a photo diary of our trip! Come on, squeeze together.
Murray: I don't want to be near your dad. He smells like coffee and onions.
Beverly: Squeeze in.
Pops: You ain't exactly cinnamon and sugar, sweetheart.
Barry: I don't know where my body ends and Adam's begins.
Erica: This trip is already the worst thing that's ever happened to me!
Murray: Just take the damn picture!

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