Dean: Well, wait. To the extent that I believed or understood anything you said, uh, the dorm rooms are all full now. So, there's nothing I can do.
Beverly: This will be the first of many times you say that to me, and the first of many times I won't listen.
Dean: There may be something I can do.

Barry: I mean it. You will never again have the experience of being in the same room as me.
Beverly: What if we're at a family wedding?
Barry: I will dance and eat the meal in the men's room.
Erica: What about a museum?
Barry: Unlikely, since I have no interest in history or art of any kind.
Erica: Fallout shelter?
Barry: I will train my body to survive a nuclear explosion.
Beverly: What about my funeral?
Barry: I will give a dominant eulogy...
Beverly: Oh, thank God.
Barry: ...on a video monitor from an undisclosed location.

Beverly: So, my son is gonna melt in a nuclear disaster, and what's worse is, now he refuses to attend my funeral. Help me, Dean Dean.
Dean: As I've been trying to tell you since the museum part, housing became available for your children.
Beverly: It did?
Dean: Yes, and when I called to tell you, your husband said "No, thanks."
Beverly: Are you [bleep] [bleep] with me right now?

Beverly: It was you. You're the one that caused this whole mess.
Erica: What?
Beverly: That's right. Per Dean Dean, housing became available, which your father refused.
Barry: Is that true, Dad?
Murray: [quietly] Maybe.
Erica: What?
Murray: [quietly] Yes.
Barry: Are you saying "yes"?
Murray: [quietly] Maybe.
Erica: What?
Murray: [quietly] Yes.
Barry: He's talking so softly, it's imperceptible to human ears. I must know the truth.
Murray: [quietly] Maybe.

Beverly: Damn it, Murray, you obviously can't say the words, so clearly you did it.
Murray: Fine! I did it, okay?
Barry: You monster!
Erica: Oh, my God!
Beverly: Well, I hope it was worth it, Murray. You ruined your kids' college years to save a few bucks.
Murray: I didn't do it because I was cheap.
Beverly: Then why? Why would you do this?
Murray: [quietly] 'Cause I'm gonna miss 'em.
Beverly: What? He's doing it again.
Murray: [quietly] I'm gonna miss 'em.
Beverly: Murray, say the words!
Murray: I'm gonna miss 'em, okay? I spent their whole childhood sitting in that chair watching TV! And now they're leaving for college and there's nothing I can do! It's too late!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Growing up in the 80s, my mom loved her kids more than anything, which made every goodbye utter agony. So, dropping my big bro and sis off at college was bound to be a tsunami of sadness. My dad, on the other hand...
Murray: Okay, morons, out ya go.
Beverly: They're not morons. They're our baby birds leaving the nest, and they are very upset about it.
Barry: My four-year bender of unsupervised partying starts now!
Erica: Dad, you're not even stopping the car!
Murray: I'm basically stopped! Come on! Go, go, go!
Geoff: This feels very unsafe.
Beverly: For God's sake, Murray, stop the car.
Murray: There's nowhere to stop!
Geoff: The man in the orange "welcome" vest is guiding you to a spot!
Beverly: Damn it, Murray, now!
Murray: Fine! Okay, you got 20 seconds. That's 10 per kid.
Beverly: I know how many children we have.

Murray: Where do you think you're going?
Geoff: To say goodbye to the love of my life.
Murray: Uh-uh.
Geoff: I'm sorry, Mr. G, but it is time for me to stand up to you and prove that I've finally become a man. Oh, no! He kid-locked me in!

Beverly: Okay, I've prepared a lengthy and emotionally explosive speech.
Barry: Mom, if you make a scene, I will never come home again.
Erica: Ditto. So, keep it together, lady. Not a single tear.
Beverly: Children, fruit of my loins, like the spongy umbilical cord that once bound our bodies together.
Geoff: Whatever she's saying, me, too!
Beverly: Erica, I wish you the best.
Erica: Too long.
Beverly: Barry, I bid you adieu, mon ami.
Barry: A Billy Idol Mony Mony to you, too.
Beverly: Might I impose upon each of you for a small kiss?
Murray: [honks horn] No kisses! Get back in the car!
Beverly: All right, Murray, you animal! Farewell.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Okay, rough start, but things were looking up. My ex, Jackie, was off to college, and I couldn't wait to catch up with my crew.
Adam: Big Dave Kim! How was your summer?
Carla: His summer was uneventful, and he's talking to me right now.
Adam: Oh, wow. You guys are still, uh...
Dave Kim: I can't explain it, either.
Adam: Carla, I thought you graduated?
Dave Kim: She did. Now she works at Wingin' It. Dave Kim's lady brings home the bacon and the chicken.
Carla: The bacon is money, but the chicken is chicken.

Barry: Hello? Do I spy a food-stained Flyers shirt similar to my own?
Gary Silverberg: Yep.
Barry: Barry Goldberg. Friends call me Big Tasty.
Gary Silverberg: Gary Silverberg, AKA G-Licious.
Barry: We seem well-matched, but tell me, do you know karate?
Gary Silverberg: Yaah!
Barry: I'll take that as a destructive yes. And I, uh, see you have turntables, too?
Gary Silverberg: Yep, but I am still looking for an MC to spit some fiery rhymes.
Barry: My guy, I spit fiery rhymes 24/7. [rapping] My name is Barry [Gary beatboxes] Your name is Gary We're like the same person It's kinda scary