Jackie: Hey, Fez, I think I have something in my eye.
Fez: [gasps] Is it Donna's engagement ring?
Jackie: No, no, it's too big for that.
Hyde: Hey, maybe we should get some doctors' masks, so we don't accidentally inhale Donna's ring.
Eric: Okay, okay. Donna, you thought the engagement ring was big enough, right? [Donna is silent]
Kelso: Burn!
Donna: I didn't say anything.
Kelso: So say something.
Donna: It could've been bigger.
Kelso: Burn!

Kelso: [engine starts] Okay, I see what's going on. You're not really going skiing. This is all just a gag. You're just trying to get me all worked up so you can go, "Just kidding, buddy!" [chuckles] Yeah, you got me. That's a nice burn.
Eric: It sure is. Bye-bye. [car drives off]
Kelso: Oh, he's not going. [Red and Kitty wave] He'll be back. Yep, any second now. He's probably just going around the block. [chuckles] I gotta hand it to him, he got me there. That's a major burn. Yup. There he is. I knew it! [laughs] Oh, no, that's not him.

Kelso: Oh, see? You see that, Jackie? Fez hurt himself. There is someone "stupider" than me.
Jackie: It's not his fault he's stupid. He's foreign. What's your excuse, stupid?
Kelso: Well, I know one thing's for sure. There's definitely someone bitchier than me.
Jackie: Oh, you better not mean me.
Kelso: Oh, I so mean you!
Jackie: Oh.
Hyde: Nice burn. Top shelf.
Kelso: Thanks.

Kelso: Angie, you're cute as a button, but you burn like a botard.
Eric: Look, if you wanna burn someone, you gotta embarrass them to make other people laugh. You want to combine the elements of humiliation and surprise.
[Kelso cuts a lock of Eric's hair off]
Eric: Dude, what the hell?
Kelso: Burn!

Kelso: Excuse me, excuse me. Hey, I'm back.
Hyde: Um, where's Fez?
Kelso: Oh, I left him outside like we always do. But I like how you made him come in and out just to make him think we weren't screwing with him. Burn!
Hyde: Kelso, we're not trying to burn Fez. We're just trying to all watch the game together.
Kelso: Okay, this is Kelso you're talking to here. All right, who's getting burned? Is it me? Because if it is, I'll just let it happen.
Hyde: No. No one's getting burned. Now go out and get Fez.
Kelso: All right, fine. I'll go get Fez, and you can just surprise me. [winks]

Eric: Look, Donna, maybe I kind of know her. Maybe we kind of went out a couple times when you were dating Kelso's brother.
Jackie: Wait, you got other girls besides Donna to go out with you? What is this obsession with the underdog?
Donna: Wait, so the other day at the movies you lied to me?
Kelso: Donna, I am the senior officer here. So the other day at the movies you lied to me.
Eric: No, I... You know, I mean, it was the movies, you know? It's all make-believe.
Donna: Okay, you know what? Don't bother coming over tonight. My sexual tension has been replaced with another familiar emotion, anger at your scrawny ass!
Eric: No!
Mitch: Yes!
Jackie: Well, good job, Michael. You solved one crime and prevented an even bigger one, Donna having sex with Eric.
Kelso: You have the right to remain... Burn!

[circle:]
Eric: Man, poor Kelso's van. I mean, when it finally landed, it didn't so much crash as completely separate into its basic elements and just return to nature.
Donna: It was so sad. There were Tootsie Rolls everywhere.
Hyde: Guys, took a nap in my room. My goose-down duvet is like a cocoon. I lay down a caterpillar and woke up a butterfly.
Fez: Maybe you with your room and Red with his shoes should get a room and decorate it with Red's shoes. Ha, burn!
Hyde: Man, you just don't understand what it's like to have a bed that hugs you like you're a little baby. It's like crawling into a mommy kangaroo. I miss my kangaroo. [walks off]
Fez: Remember when I said that he should decorate his room with Red's shoes? Ha, burn! [Hyde screams] Hyde's in trouble.
[circle ends]
Hyde: She took it all down.
Eric: Did you just scream like a girl?
Hyde: No. What happened to my lavender-scented candle?
Eric: Did you just say "What happened to my lavender-scented candle?"
Hyde: No.

Jackie: Patty, you know, we should really go to the mall together so I can introduce you...
Fez: Are you ready, darling?
Jackie: Excuse me, Fez. I was talking.
Fez: Oh, I know, Jackie. You are always talking.
Jackie: Oh!
Kelso: Burn! [off Jackie's look] Sorry, I just appreciate a good burn.

Kelso: Hey, Jackie? You're gonna love these cookies on the camping trip. They're sweet and tasty, just like me.
Hyde: Kelso, this apple's kind of like you too.
Kelso: You mean juicy and delicious? [eats]
Hyde: No. Red and bruised. [hits Kelso]
Kelso: Agh! Yeah? Well, these hot dogs are like you, too, Hyde. They're, uh...
Eric: Kosher.
Kelso: Yeah, kosher! Wait, what's kosher?
Eric: That means blessed by a rabbi.
Kelso: Burn!

Kelso: [rings bell] All right, here I am.
Roy: Oh, Steven, meet our new kitchen assistant.
Hyde: You hired Kelso? Do you know how many fires this guy's started?
Kelso: Three electrical, two chemical, and one that even surprised me.
Roy: Well, I wanted to help him out, and he said he needed a job.
Kelso: Yeah, if I'm gonna be a cop, I gotta quit modeling. I mean, I can't have the perps looking at pictures of me half-naked. Oh, and, uh, everywhere I work, I like to feel at home so I brought a little something of Jackie's.
Roy: Okay, uh, I think that's a health code violation. But I'm gonna look the other way, which is hard to do, 'cause , look, panties! [chuckles]
Kelso: [laughs] Yeah, I burned you with the panties again! Two days, two locations. That burn is on tour.