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Squeeze Box

‘Squeeze Box’

Season 6, Episode 20 -  Aired April 28, 2004

As Donna and Eric continue to hold off on having sex, Mitch (Seth Green) tries to stir up trouble between them. Meanwhile, Red and Hyde accidentally get an intimate look at Jackie's mom, Pamela (Brooke Shields).

Quote from Red

Hyde: Red, what I want to know is, what did Pam mean...
Red: Not here... Toyota.
[cut to Red and Hyde in the car in the garage:]
Red: This is the only place that's safe. Look, if I was a single man, what we saw today would be like a reward for a lifetime of disappointments. But I'm not, so it's just another disappointment.
Hyde: For you, maybe. I saw them. I don't care who knows it.
Red: You better care, 'cause if Kitty finds out, I'm taking you down with me. And when I take people down, they stay down. Just ask North Korea.
Hyde: But I have so many questions. I mean, I've been flashed before, but it was always followed with either, "Get out!" Or, "There's a two-drink minimum." But, "Hi, boys"? It has me reeling. Oh! Maybe she was coming on to us.
Red: She wasn't coming on to us. She was coming on to me. She heard about my war record. I'm a hero.


Quote from Red

Hyde: Red.
Red: Toyota!
[cut to Red and Hyde in the car in the garage:]
Hyde: Did you see that look she just gave us? Was that, "Please don't tell anyone you saw my boobs"? Or, "Please come over and see my boobs again"?
Red: Do you have to keep saying that word? Let's just call them..."them." This is the last time we ever talk about it. From here on out, it never happened.
Hyde: But, Red...
Red: Steven, I have been to war. I have seen a lot of things in my life, and there were only three things that I was gonna keep secret until the day I die. This is number four. And five.

Quote from Kelso

Kelso: Okay, look, I'm sorry, Hyde. There's a lot of guys that Pam would choose before you and Red. All right, it goes me, then Bob, Fez, then you, Red, then me again, then Donna, then Eric.

Quote from Kelso

Kelso: Hey, guys. Hey, listen, tomorrow I have this police test on interrogation techniques. I was wondering if I could practice on somebody. Jackie, how about you?
Jackie: Oh, well, no. This is your first time. You're gonna need somebody much more spineless than me. Try Eric.
Kelso: Yeah, that's good thinking. All right, Mr. Forman, if that is indeed your real name, what did you do on the day of yesterday?
Eric: You'll never get it out of me, copper. I'm no rat! [Kelso smashes Eric's Star Wars model] Kelso, what the hell?
Kelso: Just relax, Eric. I'm just doing good cop, bad cop. That was the bad cop, but he's gone now. See, now good cop is here to take care of you. Hey, how you doing, buddy? It's a real shame about what happened to your model. Why don't you tell me what you did yesterday?
Eric: I came home from the restaurant and spent six hours building that model!

Quote from Eric

Eric: [inner monologue] Great. Now I have to sit through Kramer vs. Kramer again with no shot at nookie. First time we saw it, I said, "You know, dads can be good parents, too," and Donna's shirt just floated off.
Donna: [inner monologue] What is wrong with me? A boy's gonna lose his mother, and all I can think about is fooling around. I am such a dirty girl. I should be spanked. Oh, stop it!
Eric: [inner monologue] Screw it. Sneak attack is my only hope. I'm gonna go with the yawn and grab. Watch out for my hand, pretty mama, 'cause I'm not really tired.
Donna: [inner monologue] Oh, God. It's the yawn and grab. How do I stop him? [out loud] Oops. Oh, sorry.
Eric: [out loud] Oh, come on. It's okay. [inner monologue] Great. Now my lap's covered in hot buttered popcorn. That's the most action I've gotten in weeks.

Quote from Fez

Bob: Thanks for helping move Pam into my house, Kitty. You know what they say, "Lady number three is a charm."
Pamela: You have been so warm and friendly. You simply must teach me how to be like that.
Kelso: Uh, Pam, I'd just like to say on behalf of Fez and myself, that it is a privilege and a turn-on to carry your underthings.
Fez: And you don't have to pay me. I took a few souvenirs.
Pamela: Well, enjoy.

Quote from Jackie

Jackie: Mitch, what are you doing here?
Mitch: I made a peach cobbler for Donna, and I forgot to leave it when I was in here last night.
Jackie: You weren't in here last night.
Mitch: Well, not as far as you know.
Jackie: Okay, look, Mitch, I know you're in love with her, but it's not gonna work out. You're as big as you're gonna get. And trust me, okay? Donna's still growing.

Quote from Red

Hyde: Hey, Red. "Hi, boys!"
Red: I could kill you without making a sound.
Kitty: You know, I'm worried we don't have enough chicken for dinner tonight. Do these breasts look big enough?
Red: I'm not comfortable with that question.
Kitty: What?
Red: What?
Kitty: What? [Red laughs] What are you laughing at?
Red: Ah, just life. It's a hoot.
Kitty: Well, I don't know what's in that orange juice, but I'm gonna pour myself a glass.

Quote from Fez

Eric: You know why Darth Vader went to the dark side? He was dating a redhead who wouldn't put out.
Fez: So, you are like Darth Vader in the sense that you're not getting any. But you are not like Darth Vader in the sense that you are weak and strike fear in no one.
Eric: Well, this is certainly one way to spend an afternoon.
Kelso: You know, I never really got into making models. Guess I was too busy having sex.
Fez: Hey, I don't have sex, and I still don't build models. I don't have a single model or a single girl. My life is an empty hole.

Quote from Donna

Mitch: [to Eric] Hey, nice job. You put the force field generators on backwards. One photon torpedo and you're space toast.
Donna: [enters] Okay, Eric, that's it. I think we should have sex.
Eric: [chuckles] Yes!
Mitch: No!
Donna: Okay, I'm going crazy not being with you. You may not be a strong man, but you read my body like Braille.
Kelso: Burn! [chuckles] Wait. What's "Braille"?

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