Red: Have you been in bed all day?
Eric: Yeah, I have. I've been reading the Jack Kerouac classic On The Road. See, as I see it, why get out of bed when you can read about people who got out of bed?
Red: You have got to be the laziest non-communist I've ever met. And you are about to read a book that my foot wrote. It's called On The Road To In Your Ass.

Fez: You told me you wanted to tell Hyde that you still love him and you wanted him back.
Jackie: Yeah, well, it's obvious he doesn't want me back. So you better not tell him what I said or I'll be humiliated.
Fez: My lips are a seal's.
Kelso: Wait, don't you mean that your lips are sealed?
Fez: I'm not hearing the difference.

Kitty: He just wants you to have some direction and so do I. And you are in luck because I got the new issue of Cosmo.
Eric: Oh, well, I'm just not sure I need seven new ways to please my man.
Kitty: No. No. Honey, it's a job aptitude test. Okay, question number one. "Do you consider yourself creative?"
Eric: Well...
Kitty: Yes. You were a little wiz at macaroni art. "Do you prefer to work alone or with others?"
Eric: Alone.
Kitty: Nope, you love people. Okay, question three. "Do you..." Oh, that's easy.
Eric: Look, Mom, I'm happy just enjoying my world. I'm like an explorer. I'm exactly like Christopher Columbus. Except, you know, I've been incredibly distracted by television.
Kitty: Okay. All done. Now, according to your answers, you should be a nurse!

Donna: I hate this room. It reminds me of my dad dancing around half-naked with finger cymbals.
Jackie: Well, my show is gonna be a news show.
Fez: All-nude or just topless?
Jackie: Not nude, news.
Fez: I'm not hearing the difference.

Donna: Jackie, how are you gonna tell people the news if you don't know any news?
Jackie: Well, I know all the news that's really important, like, who's got a new car, what store is having a sale on leggings, and if there'll ever be peace in the Middle East. [giggles] Who am I kidding? No one cares about China.

Kitty: Okay, now, Red, please let's hold off on the cursing until happy hour.
Red: This year-off crap better come to an end or I'm gonna put you in a box and mail you to the Marines.
Kitty: Oh, don't worry, honey. Your father's too cheap to mail something that heavy.

Kelso: Hey, Fez, you know what was awesome? That time you rode that tree.
Angie: How did he ride a tree?
Hyde: Oh, he climbed it, Kelso cut it down.
Angie: You guys have a million stories. And you know each other so well. It's like you have your own language. I don't even understand half the things you say.
Kelso: If you understand anything that Fez says, you're the only one. Burn!
Fez: Oh, Kelso can't understand me? Now I know how it feels to be a book. Oh, burn!

Jackie: Okay, Fez, since you're helping me with set dressing, I want the set to reflect my sparkling personality. I want it to say "Jackie."
Fez: Okay, let me see. Maybe some glitter, a disco ball...
Jackie: Uh-huh. I want a big sign that says "Jackie."

Angie: Hey, Eric, can I have some of your fries?
Eric: Sure.
Angie: Well, I don't want any. Burn! [laughs]
Hyde: I think you're confusing a burn with just talking.
Kelso: Eric, can I have some fries?
Eric: Yeah, help yourself.
[Kelso leans over and digs his face into the tray of fries]
Kelso: [mouth full] Burn!
Eric: Yeah, I knew you were gonna do that, so I spit in them. Burn! Totally.
Angie: Hey, hey, hey, hey. You ate his spit. Burn!
Kelso: That- That's a piggyback burn. We don't do that.

Kitty: I could never be on TV, unless it was Johnny Carson, because I have a very funny story about a Cheeto that looked just like Jesus.