Michael Kelso Quotes Page 1 of 49    

Quote from Misty Mountain Hop

Kitty: Steven, what's in the bag?
Kelso: The Packers winning next year's Super Bowl. That's what's in the bag.
Red: Is that what I think it is?
Kelso: If you mean paprika, yes, sir.
Kitty: Honey- Honey, paprika is red.
Kelso: If you mean green paprika, yes, sir!
Red: Green paprika?!
Kelso: Hyde, what am I looking for here?
Hyde: Oregano.
Kelso: If you mean oregano, yes, sir!

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Quote from Immigrant Song

Hyde: Way to go. If you hadn't fallen off the water tower, we could've helped him out.
[After Hyde punches Kelso in the arm, Kelso groans as he uses his sprained hand to hit Hyde back.]
Hyde: They should've x-rayed your head at the hospital.
Kelso: They did. And for your information, they found nothing.

Quote from Donna's Panties

Kelso: Wow. Chicks must really dig astronauts, 'cause it says here that astronauts get all the Tang they want.

Quote from The Crunge

Kelso: This chapter just helped me figure out the answer to you and Donna's problem, vis-a-vis your crappy score.
Eric: "Vis-a-vis"?
Kelso: It's a PBS word, Eric. Stay with me here. Yeah, I liken your situation to that of Pavlov's dog. You see, Pavlov was this science guy and every time his dog would ring a bell, Pavlov would eat.
Eric: Are you sure it was the dog who rang the bell?
Kelso: Yeah. I mean, who else would it be?
Eric: Pavlov?
Kelso: Well, that wouldn't be a trick, Eric. I mean, what man can't ring a bell? Anyway, every time that dog would ring that bell, old Pavlov would eat, and then he would drool.

Quote from Mother's Little Helper

Donna: She chose Fez because he listens when a woman talks instead of staring at her chest. Stop staring at my chest!
Kelso: I'm sorry, look, I've been screwed by Darwinism. I never needed to evolve listening skills, 'cause my looks are so highly developed.
Donna: Um, that's not how evolution works.
Kelso: Yeah, sure it is. Look, say I had to catch my own food, right, but I only ate really fast animals? My feet would eventually evolve into rockets.
Hyde: Man, it's amazing your brain doesn't evolve into pudding.

Quote from You Can't Always Get What You Want

Angie Barnett: Why is it every time I leave the room, you guys do this?
Kelso: It's Thanksgiving. Some people bake pies, we bake ourselves.

Quote from What is and What Should Never Be

Fez: Ah, we've been here for, like, an hour. We've only moved, like, two feet.
Kelso: You think the lines at the D.M.V. are long? You should see the free clinic. Now, there's a wait.
Hyde: Man, you've been to the free clinic?
Kelso: No. Oh, but I did see your mom there. Burn! [Hyde punches Kelso's arm] [chuckles] That's gonna leave a mark. Just like your mom did! [laughs]

Quote from The Acid Queen

Kelso: Well, Donna, turns out Brooke doesn't like intelligent men.
Hyde: Kelso, you didn't have sex with her, man, just let it go.
Brooke: [enters] Michael, I need to talk to you.
Kelso: Yeah, about what?
Brooke: About our night together at the Molly Hatchet concert.
Kelso: [smiles] Excuse me. [to Fez] Burn! [to Donna] Burn! [to Eric] Burn! [to Jackie] Burn! [to Hyde] Burn!
[Kelso runs upstairs into the kitchen]
Kelso: [to Kitty] Burn! [to Red] Burn.
[Kelso runs out the sliding door and down the stairs back to the basement]
Kelso: Burn. We totally did it!
Brooke: Michael, I just found out I'm pregnant.
Kelso: I never touched her.

Quote from Roller Disco

Kelso: I don't get Jackie, man. I mean, picking Fez over me? Me? I have the three things that women want: I'm- I'm hot, and I'm smart.
Donna: That's two things, moron.
Kelso: No, it's three. I count hot twice. I mean, come on.

Quote from Dine and Dash

Donna: Hey, Kelso, thanks for dinner. It was great.
Eric: Yeah, it was delicious.
Kelso: Hey, guys, no need to thank me. I'm happy to do it. [opens bill] Okay. Everybody ready?
Eric: Uh, don't you have to pay first?
Kelso: I'm not paying.
Donna: What? What, did you think I was paying?
Eric: Yes. Kelso, we don't have any money.
Kelso: You don't need any. People, we are on a "dine and dash" here. Oh, yeah. 'Cause the only thing better than eating lobster is eating lobster and hauling ass. Let's haul ass.

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